Posts Tagged ‘Xanax’

I Don’t Know What to Do with My Life

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

Well here it is Tuesday forme, Wednesday for you. Not much I can do about it. Not much I can do about anything. I’m in the same boat as a lot of people and as far as I can tell, we are all pretty much miserable.

At least I have Xanax to get me through the day. Others use booze, heroin, whatever may be handy.

The latest twist in the saga of working retail, is that next month, I’ll probably have to participate in Monday Night Football. Not playing it, not watching it, just having to be in the store while the game goes on.

And if there is any one sport that I don’t like, it’s football. I already plan on having a good book to read and I’ll likely be writing at the cigar shop and posting it when I get home, which should be sometime around 2:00 in the morning.

I certainly wasn’t asked, but the new schedule is out and one of those games is on my late shift. I’m not happy about but who the fuck cares? I have a job don’t I? So shut up and stop complaining.

Still I continue to look elsewhere for work, hopefully getting out before the holiday rush, but no one is hiring. No word from CVS, Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. And no word from that guy Ian who offered me a job last month.

Perhaps he’s a flake. He did say I should hear something mid- September or by the end of the month and that is rapidly approaching.

Work was the usual stupid nonsense. Redundant? Perhaps. The ride to work was more of the banal. Sat there at the bus stop as the 10:15AM rolled past me, opting for the 10:30 bis instead. It wasn’t a crowded bus, still some familiar faces got on.

No Angie Baby, but the tattooed guy from the summer walked on board. His birth date is tattooed in a digital manner and it surprisingly matched the small tea cup saucers embedded in his earlobes.

I got off the subway with about 25 minutes to spare and just sat on a bench across from the cigar shop. The Xanax had kicked in so I didn’t really care much. It was Marcus, Calvin and Don with Sean coming in after school.

Some of the regulars floated in and out of the cigar shop and stationed themselves in the back room. Since Don was on the shift, I was able to leave the shop for my lunch hour for the first time in days. It really made a difference, to be able just to go outside instead of looking at the same four walls I would be stuck with for ten hours.

I wandered over to yet another bench by the park, had a cigar and read some of the New Yorker. I miss having a camera. I have a cellphone camera, but it’s definitely not the same thing.

I left the shop, around 9:13 tonight and to my surprise it was pouring out. I never see the weather outside. Still I plugged in the second half of the Buzzcocks, A Different Kind of Tension. Mainly heard I Don’t Know What to Do with My Life, Money, Hollow Inside, and A Different Kind of Tension.

By the time I got to the bus terminal, I Believe came on and since that is a 7 minute song, I’ll round the time to 17 minutes and 15 seconds. Probably would have been shorter, but it was raining after all.

That’s about all I have to write about. Bill is sore after training with a physical trainer.

Rejeição

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

Yes it’s been a steady rain today and quite windy. It was that way last night. I only went out once today to get some groceries that I neglected to get yesterday. And of course when I got home I realized that I forgot to get Stevia.

The weather has been affecting my sinuses but it’s manageable as long as I don’t have to physically interact with people. Phone is fine, online chatting is fine, Facebook is fine. But face to face? Forget about it. It’s best for all concerned I believe.

I was invited to see my nephew Brian in a play at his school, somewhere upstate. But with the weather and my sinuses I begged off. The same with Pedro. It’s his birthday today and he invited me up to Otisville but once again I said no thanks.

Otisville could even be close to my nephew’s school and perhaps I could have done both but here I am in front of a computer in Hoboken. Like I said, it’s best for all concerned.

Last night I found myself close to the blues. The mood, not the music. Watched Bill Maher and realized that I really can’t stand Bill Maher. I don’t know if I will watch it again. I guess it would depend on who his guests are.

I would prefer it if Maher wasn’t on his own show, just having the guests on with a different host, a host who didn’t think they were the most clever person in the hemisphere.

After that, the Simpsons and Craig Ferguson. I wound up going to bed not because I was tired but because I was bored. Maybe closed my eyes for about five minutes before I tossed and turned beset with anxiety.

Bill wasn’t home yet and I found myself worried. That sound on the street, was it a fight? Was someone attacking Bill? Was I going have to go down in the rain in my boxer briefs and crack some skulls? I got out of bed and checked Google Latitude which said he was a block away from the Path train.

I took a Xanax and went back to bed. Before I fell asleep Bill came home and told me of the fight he had out on the street, how he yelled my name and wondered where I was.
No, That didn’t happen.

For some reason Google Latitude said he was by the Path train and he was actually taking the bus. He was safe and sound on the couch and I soon fell fast asleep, anxiety free.

Slept the best I had in days actually. Had an interesting dream where a classmate from grammar school, Joyce- had opened a day spa in Hoboken in what looked like the basement apartment I lived in in the 1980′s.

In the dream, Joyce hadn’t grown since 1976 and to kiss her hello I had to bend down on my knees.

What? It last dream before I woke up.

I watched Gosford Park this afternoon and was overwhelmed by how good it was. If only for the phenomenal cast. Great story (sort of figured it out midway through), great performances.

I was blown away. I only regret not watching it sooner. Great direction by Robert Altman naturally. I might even watch it again with Altman’s commentary.

Bill should watch it, so I will probably hang onto it so he can.

I also watched the extras disc from Near Dark which I enjoyed more than the actual movie last night. Interviews with Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen , Jeanette Goldstein and Katheryn Bigelow.

Happy birthday Pedro!

Giving It All Away

Monday, January 4th, 2010

Well it’s back to school, back to work for most everyone. Or for some. I don’t know. I did harbor some hope that the interviews I went on, the resumes I sent out, the online applications that I filled out would be responded to, today perhaps, today would be the day that I would have heard something.

But alas, nothing. I sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes fill out these forms online, send my resume, with such a feeling of hope and feeling that this will be the one, the one that I get a call back. Bloomberg, Goldman Sachs, all big names that surely must have some small room in their organizations for someone like me, but no.

Apparently there is nothing forthcoming, leaving me dejected.

And when I walked around this afternoon I felt I could see the same reactions on a lot of people’s faces. Perhaps the look on their faces is from the fact that where the past week or so there was family and fun and good feelings abounding, now there’s just us.

And the bitterness of the cold, mirrors the bitterness we feel inside.

For me, the angst arrived in the night as I was going to sleep. Bill and I watched a few episodes of Lawn Hors d’œuvre: Criminal Malcontent. Caught the Simpsons which was OK, nothing to write about despite the fact that I’m writing about it.

Caught the first few minutes of the Cleveland Show which is made by Seth McFarlane who made The Family Guy. I loathe the Family Guy and through that I disliked the Cleveland Show. Bill and I did become hooked on what is the only reality show we like, Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.

Tabatha is a tough Australian woman who goes into hair salons and tries to help them out. If only Tabatha was in Hoboken 20 years ago when Patrick Morrissey was around with his hair salon. Then again Narcotics Anonymous and AA would have had to play a major part in that, if that were the case.

And in case Patrick Morrissey googles his name, ‘Hello Patrick’.

Bill went to bed early so I watched The Soloist starring Robert Downey Jr & Jamie Foxx. Oh it was remarkably lackluster. Left you not caring at all. Then the news which was all about how cold it was. It was in the 15 degree range last night.

I wound up watching How I Met Your Mother which I never watched before. No Neil Patrick Harris in this one, and I didn’t know Jason Segal was a regular cast member. I like the Jason Segal.

Around 1:30 I went to bed, not because I was tired but because I was bored. And I lay there for about 45 minutes unable to sleep. I got out of bed and did an online crossword puzzle. Knowing that Xanax makes me drowsy sometimes, I took a Xanax and about 20 minutes later I was heavily lidded and ready to go to sleep.

Slept so well I didn’t realize Bill kissed me goodbye. It was around 2:30 or so when I went to sleep and woke up around 10:30 this morning. Made some coffee and poured my cereal in the bowl and decided to go back to sleep. It felt good.

I didn’t do much today, went out around Hoboken, saw the faces of my fellow unemployed and came home again from the bitter cold. Had an early dinner since I was hungry and now here I sit, filling out more online applications with not much hope.

I wish the weather was warmer so I could go out and play guitar again on the pier.

Basketball Jones

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

This is one of those moments in life where a joint would be most nice. But of course I am lacking in that department. What started as a fine day almost degenerated into crap and it wasn’t my fault. I do have to thank the makers of Xanax for taking a major edge off the trouble I found myself in this afternoon.

I suppose it’s true, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. In that case, to quote AC/DC I’m on the Highway to Hell.

Last night was quite pleasant enough. Bill came home and we watched The Baroness of Jazz, about a woman, an heiress to the Rothschild fortune who left England and wound up being a major supporter of Thelonious Monk and a few others in that Jazz scene.

I recorded it since Bill has a connection to Thelonious Monk in some regard. Right now, my patience is sorely being tested by the sound card I guess on my computer.

Right now I’m trying to listen to some Kate Bush on iTunes, while also trying to upload the videos I shot of Bill tonight. Unfortunately with every keystroke on the computer the sound goes to shit.

Apparently I cannot do more than one thing on the computer without something going wrong. You get what you paid for I guess. Be ru-un-nni-i-i-nn-ggg u-u-u-p-p t-hhhhaaa-tttt hi-ll-ll is not how Kate Bush is supposed to sound. A 5:01 song gets stretched to 6 and change.

And the one clip I had shot of Bill was somehow turned into 2 clips, so I decided to add the sound check making it a 2:36 clip. I know I would be feeling a lot worse if it weren’t for the Xanax which is merely making me frustrated rather than angry.

Anyhow, The Baroness of Jazz was good and Bill really enjoyed it. After that, Bill and I watched Saturday Night Live. I generally enjoy the holiday episodes of Saturday Night Live. I often wondered if it was Lorne Michaels generosity that lets some truly strange sketches go on air.

I loved the digital short, it was hilarious and definitely weird. No more pajamas for me. Bill went to bed during Weekend Update, I stayed up to watch the rest. Muse were the musical guests and I thought they were alright.

Soon I went to bed as the snow continued falling. I woke up around 8:30, Bill was off to church for the first time in weeks, delivering the liturgy. I soon had my boots on, walked up to Washington Street where the bagel shop was empty. Yesterday the line was out onto the sidewalk.

In and out in under a minute, I made my way through sloppy streets to the supermarket. Cute cashier, reminded me of Karen Kuhl from Gutbank, 20 years ago.

The rest of the day was OK, until I responded to matters regarding Christmas presents. Where I planned and saved to get these presents I was left feeling foolish for getting these meager presents. Whatever good feeling I had was soon gone.

Bill was home by then and taking a nap, I had an early supper. That’s when I had the Xanax which couldn’t activate fast enough for my nerves. Eventually it did and talking to Bill about it certainly helped.

Things will have to be done differently and certain plans will be changed within the next five days. C’est la vie, that’s just the way that it goes.

Bill and I ran into Rand and Lisa as we walked to the Path train, good to see them. They wished Bill good luck with his singing. We also ran into Kathe Charas who is leaving New York and heading to Florida to help out some relatives. Glad to be able to see her on the day she was leaving though it was quite inadvertent.

We were set up nicely at the Garden, had dinner in the Press Room and Bill had a small dressing room. We had passes that allowed me to walk through the bowels of the Garden and shoot Bill’s sound check and the pass came in handy during the actual performance.

Unfortunately, someone bumped into me during the actual performance which left the video slightly disjointed. I posted it on YouTube as johnotoole99 as well on Facebook and also here.

Our singer

Our singer

'Just the facts, ma'am'

'Just the facts, ma'am'

Time After Time (Annelise)

Sunday, August 16th, 2009

Nice and tired. Did a lot of walking last night and slept well, did even more walking today. Would have been a good day for a bike ride, but it was way too warm for that.

Since I did some work for Greg Stevens yesterday I decided to head back into the office and just tidy things up for when Greg got into his office tomorrow morning.

I did my usual Sunday morning thing, bagels, newspapers and whatnot. No murderous impulses towards my fellow Hobokenites, it was a warm morning all around. Bill was gone by 7:00 this morning, some big church function.

Came home, had a good breakfast and read the papers. After a while I figured it was now or never so I headed into the city around 1:30. Ran into Rand and Lisa on the bus, they were going to see Billy Elliot on Broadway with some of Rand’s relatives, already in the city.

I explained to them what was going on with me with regards to the Xanax and I was surprised to see Rand have a frown about it. Well it’s working well for me, even at half the dosage prescribed.

He recommended exercise, much like Annemarie did the other day, but there’s no one around to exercise with basically.

There are those Tai Chi classes in Bryant Park on Thursday mornings that I never had time for but now I might be able to find time. Well see about that come Thursday morning.

Made it to the office, wisely sidestepping the Madison Avenue street fair. No one in the office at all today and I was able to get somethings together and make life a little bit easier for Greg Stevens.

Grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and decided to head up to Central Park. I did not want to see or hear Dinosaur Jr so I walked over to the skate circle.

Found a seat by the flagpole monument and sat down, enjoyed a cigar and read the Tom Waits biography. Almost done with it and it’s due back at the library tomorrow.

A beautiful day, lot’s of people in the park. No bears on Bear Hill, but quite a few baby strollers. I guess the bear thing is a Saturday event. The music was classic disco mainly and when it started getting all housy housy I made my way out.

Still people were streaming into the park, lot’s of tourists. I strolled down Sixth Avenue to catch the Path train and one pulled into the station just when I got there. More reading about Tom Waits in an air conditioned train car.

It’s just been a nice, calm day. Really stress free, not even relatively.

I know why that is and I’m sure you have a pretty good idea as well. Feeling the way I am now is so much better than the internal rage that I carried around and never really wrote about except one or two times, which inspired my brother Brian to write that I sounded like our father.

Things have been getting quite intense for me and I needed something fast. And I think I found it for the time being.

So I’m cool.
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The Pressure Of Life (Takes the Weight Off the Body)

Friday, August 14th, 2009

OK, back to the present day. The past few weeks have been quite stressful for me. Job loss, staying home climbing the walls, planes and helicopters crashing nearby.

Plus my people skills have been non-existent. Going to the supermarket would leave me enraged. Crossing the street was a matter of life or death with me tempting fate.

Not that I was trying to get hit by a car, but rather looking for trouble as a pedestrian yelling at and sometimes smacking the trunk of a car as it rolled through a stop sign.

The sort of thing that occasionally winds up with someone getting shot and since I do not own a gun, the person who might get shot would be me.

I discussed this with Casey Chasm who is fleeing Hoboken with the missus at the end of the month since Hoboken is so bleedin’ expensive. He’s been unemployed longer than I’ve been and went through similar feelings.

He recommended a prescription for Xanax. I’ve used Xanax back in the day, usually from Susan Sled’s pillbox hat. Didn’t do much for me 19 years ago, but it was for recreational purposes then, and foolishly so.

Now I had an actual reason.

Casey suggested seeing his doctor and since the doctor I used a few years ago has quite a flaky schedule I called up Casey’s MD and got an appointment for the same day.

So following Casey’s well timed advice I went and had an EKG, and some lung capacity tests and they were fine. Of course the discussion about quitting cigarettes came up and it will be discussed further once I get my blood work done next week.

I do like the doctor though, and his staff were very nice as well. So after picking up the prescription, I took one. The recommended dosage was 2 a day, but 1 was enough. Plus it was late afternoon. Within about 20 minutes, things started to get warm, edginess fading.

Ran into the funniest girl alive, Meghan and her daughter Ruby. All very pleasant, even more pleasant than usual. And I still had a sense of humor. Walked around with Meghan and Ruby, saw Jim at the Guitar Bar where Jim was putting stuff in the car for the Guitar Bar Summer Camp show at the Frozen Monkey Cafe.

Jim & Ruby drove up there, Meghan and I walked up. I was feeling generally pretty good and Meghan was feeling pretty much the same way.

I decided not to stay to watch the kids playing whatever it is they were going to play. A few weeks ago all I needed to hear was the opening notes to Sweet Child of Mine by Guns & Roses to get me out of there.

I opted to go to the supermarket to see if my murderous rage was suppressed enough. On the way there I talked on the phone to my sister in law Elaine since my new doctor asked me for info on my brother Frank’s stroke in 2007.

Got the info and headed into the store which was crowded and staffed with the usual belligerent people. This time it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me either when on the express line someone ahead of me had 20 items instead of the limit of 15.

Had a light supper when I came home, a few hours later, a walk around Hoboken once again with Julio. And that was pleasant, none of the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I know that weight is still there but not crushing me like it’s been lately.

I could have used a Xanax the other night when I went to the Yankee game with Bill. That didn’t go as well as I had hoped.

I was pretty much miserable and Bill had a feeling that was going to happen. Overall that was a bad night. Sitting in the bleachers with no back support, my neck was stiff and I was wearing an older pair of glasses that I thought looked better but with a weaker prescription, I couldn’t focus on much at all.

Bill enjoyed himself despite me. And it made for an uncomfortable ride home.

I can be quite an asshole sometimes. Hopefully now I’ll have a better grip on that.

Today I’m going into Greg Stevens office to do some coconut work, then heading across town to see the play that Bill has been stage managing the past few weeks.

I think this weekend or early next week, I’ll have a return trip to Lodi, a family friend passed away this morning. Back to the social milieu of wakes and funerals.

Bill & his friend Kirk

Bill & his friend Kirk