Tag Archives: Xanax

I Don’t Like Mondays

Well it’s a Saturday and it’s been a day off and from what I can tell nice day weather wise. It’s been alright, I’ve been relatively busy though operating on a low flame. Not that I am ill or anything like that. Physically I feel fine.

All week long I was looking forward to going to Maxwells to support Rand and the Kirby Enthusiasm art show. I spent most of the day killing time, cleaning the apartment, getting some groceries and running errands.

Went to the bibliothèque and picked up a couple of things on hold for me and a stop at the dry cleaners to pick up some clothes. I came home and watched some television, not watching anything in particular. All in all it’s been a nothing day really. Lying low basically.

Last night I was home at a decent hour after work, Bill was off working on the play. I watched Bill Maher and then the news. Surprisingly (or maybe not) there was nothing to watch. Bill came home and we talked for a while before he went to bed.

I soon joined him, falling fast asleep. I slept fairly well, probably from the Xanax I had taken 12 hours before. The day before at the cigar shack was so soul crushing that I needed to let things slide and it certainly helped. And the comedown was pleasant enough to insure a good night’s sleep.

The sleep was good enough to make me sleep later than I expected, awoken once more by Bill kissing me good bye for the day. Bill had a full day, a voice lesson and then picking up his cousin’s son (whom he calls his nephew) to work alongside Bill on the play for some school project.

I did go walk around Hoboken for a spell this afternoon. Not much going on anywhere, so my walk was short lived. After coming home and having something to eat, as well as my Saturday phone call to Annemarie I started to get ready to go to Maxwells for the Kirby Enthusiasm show.

I took my time since I was watching a DVD and also downloading some Everly Brothers tracks as well as some Dave Edmunds and a couple of Elvis Presley songs. I wasn’t sure how cool it was outside since on the fifth floor of my building it was quite windy with the windows open.

I did get it together and started to head out. I also called CREDO since I checked my smartphone account. I was near my 300 text limit and couldn’t figure out how that happened so fast. I called CREDO and spoke to customer service.

They told me that my texting including the sending and receiving of texts as well as photographs, which I’ve been sending quite often. So I upgraded my text messaging and downgrading my phone plan because it seems I only talk to my sister and Bill. A trade off of sorts I guess.

Around 5:00 I decided to finally head out the door. But of course I didn’t actually hit the street until 25 minutes later. I walked up Washington Street, listening to the Bongos on the iPod. On the way I saw a young mother with a toddler and a baby in the carriage about to go into the building.

The toddler climbed the stoop to open the door for the mother. I figured the mother would need help carrying the carriage up the front steps so I offered to help. It was no big deal. I was smoking a cigar and lodged it in the front grate and then helped the mother up the four or five steps. After helping her out, I reclaimed my cigar and walked up the boulevard towards Maxwells.

Inside it was busy enough, people coming in for Saturday night dinners. I walked in and some guy waved to me so I waved back even though I had no idea who he was. I didn’t know anyone there so I looked at the art hanging on the wall. Great stuff, many different artists.

After a few minutes I still didn’t see anyone I knew. It was almost like the first time I went to Maxwells, just a feeling of unease from not knowing anyone. I did check in on my smartphone and decided I might have a better signal outside. Standing on the sidewalk I had a smoke and checked my bank account online and saw it was dangerously low.

I decided to head towards the river, planning on sitting on a bench. As I walked away, out of the corner of my eye I did see someone I knew, but didn’t really hang out with back in the day. Now he approached with one of his kids. I figured he didn’t see me so I had the advantage and kept walking, not turning around.

I turned the corner and felt better at being unseen. It was then I felt it would be best to go home. I saw the artwork and liked it, but couldn’t afford a pint or anything else, including a friend’s band playing in the back room as part of the Kirby Enthusiasm event. I felt bad but what could I do.

Perhaps pride got me going home, or perhaps it was shame at not having the funds. Still it was a way to save face. I feel better being home now, regretting not seeing any friends but I was there and they weren’t. Now they are there probably and I am not. That’s how it goes I suppose.


heading home

I Believe In Father Christmas

Just had a nap where I was in the southern part of Lodi, waiting to get a Frappuccino at Starbucks. A cover version of What’s My Name by the Clash played as I found myself trying to find where the Starbucks was that I left to escort a young woman from the coffee shop.

It was a rust belt version of Lodi, old machines decomposing in the deserted industrial areas. It should have been easy to find since it was across the street from Immaculate Conception high school. Inside it was dismal, with a few people milling about waiting for their beverages.

My server was actually someone who used to work at a pub in Saddle Brook called Gleason’s. I was doing some leaping and running as well as scaling down some iron walls designed like steppes while trying to get back to the Starbucks.

My knee was no trouble at all in the dream. Lots of running and jumping but still no Frappuccino.

I guess the Frappuccino was in my subconscious after getting an email from the corporation telling me I could get a free download of summer songs if I just go into the Starbucks. Although I wound up in Lodi in the dream I believe the Starbucks was actually in the vicinity of the cigar shack. There is no escaping the cigar shack.

A nap when the weather is close to 100 degrees outside is very nice. A fan blowing on my half dressed body as I lay on top of the bed was quite nice. I didn’t sleep too well last night and that helped with the nap. A Xanax that I took earlier in the day certainly helped quite a bit.

The Xanax came in handy when I made a phone call to someone. It was a day off and I tried calling them twice in the past week, left voice mails both time. This person usually calls me up and is generally upset that I never call.

Of course I never take into consideration that they have a phone that cannot dial out, they can only receive calls for some reason.

A few weeks previous this person contacted me about going to see a benefit show at Maxwells on June 29. I explained that it’s Bill’s birthday that day and depending on my work schedule I wasn’t sure at the time whether or not I would be able to make it.

It turns out that I was able to request that day and the next day off, not actually days off but when Calvin does the schedule I would like to be able to be off and make up those days off later in that week or around that time.

Well the person on the phone seemed harried as I walked around outside in the record high temperatures answering his questions concisely. He asked if I was upset about something, remarking that it sounded like I was angry with him. I explained that I wasn’t angry or upset, far from it, thanks to the Xanax.

Well it turns out that I wasn’t able to buy the tickets locally in Hoboken, that I would have to make the purchase online when I got home. That was no problem.

But what actually did upset me was the fact that me and the guy at the other end of the phone were once quite close and I do make an effort to rebuild what past we may have had, but sometimes it gets so hard to do so.

It’s not always like this but on occasion there is such a chemical reaction between the two of us that it almost always ends badly. And today was just like that.

Farewell to Harbor House, the Hoboken rehab center. Must've been some party...

I Love You Because

Monday for me, Monday for you. It could be worse but I don’t see how. The mantra pops up once again, ‘at least you have a job’. Xanax helps with that. I was feeling a bit anxious last night so I had half a tablet and this morning I had the other half before I went in. It certainly helped last night.

I watched Toy Story 3 yesterday, and like a lot of people I got chocked up at the end. It was a sweet movie, I guess it doesn’t matter that I never saw the first two parts.

After that some dinner, a light supper and then the finale of Big Love. I had caught up on all the episodes and still I was greatly surprised by who it ended. Did not see that one coming at all. After that shocker came Shameless which I really enjoy even though a few people I’ve met said that the UK version of Shameless makes the US version look like it was on the Disney channel, but that’s fine with me.

Bill had come home in a good mood and we had a few good laughs. He was soon off to bed and I stayed up watching whatever it is that I can’t remember right now. It wasn’t Kill Bill Vol. 1 since I watched that the night before on cable, with commercials and toned down violence and no swearing.

In any event I was up at 8:00 this morning wondering why Bill was still in bed. Well apparently he messed up his back and really couldn’t get out of bed. That threw me off my game for a bit this morning but still I got it together. And I must say I looked good. Nice navy pinstripe, 2 button, a pink shirt with a white collar and French cuffs, and a pink striped tie.

When I kissed Bill goodbye he remarked how good I looked so I left the apartment floating on that compliment as well as half a Xanax. The walk to the bus stop was drizzly but I refrained from using the umbrella.

Since the weather was a bit wet I opted for the subway once I got into the bus terminal. I still had time to kill so I just wandered around in the drizzle before I headed into work. It was the Bradley and Marcus in the cigar shack when I arrived.

Calvin was late, apparently he was ill. Still he managed to get it together somewhat and came in about 45 minutes later. It wasn’t such a bad day after all. Calvin was not really around, Marcus left the shop and the Bradley was somewhat agreeable to work with.

Calvin seemed to take my suggestion to heart and laid low, out of sight. He even left early once I convinced him that it would be best, since he has a major event going on Wednesday night. Maybe he will stay home and conserve his energy.

Other than that there was nothing much else to write about. Jimmy Seltzer came by and hung out for a while, smoking cigars in the man cave. I sat with him for a little while, puffing on a cigar and then running off to help the rare customer that comes in after 7:00PM.

We were having a good chat when I realized that it was after 9:00 and I had to close up. Jimmy Seltzer hit the road and I did the usual thing of closing the store at an extra slow momentum.

Still after that I made it to the bus terminal in good time, thanks to James Brown, Sly & the Family Stone, Aretha Franklin and Marvin Gaye.

I Got Lucky

Another day at the cigar shack and here I am getting an early start on writing. Not much else to do. I did the right thing this morning and did a Xanax before I came in. It’s felt great and there has been no need to desire to punch anyone in the face.

I slept well last night, thanks to some jazzy cigarettes. Watched Bill Maher last night and it was more annoying than anything. Bill did make it home and I got the hug I was looking for and then proceeded o tell him about the day that I had.

He was tired but understanding and listened to every word which was exactly what I needed. The we watched part of The Laughing Policeman before Bill went to bed. I stayed up and watched footage of the disaster in Japan, which to me looked like animation. Just a mass of mud and sea water sweeping trucks and cars away with just a wave of Mother Nature’s hand.

And the day today was not as bad as it was yesterday. The boys seem to be on their best behavior but then again I seem to be on Xanax. Things will slow down considerably in 20 minutes when the man cave shuts down. That wouldn’t be so bad after all. And that is definitely the Xanax talking.

Still the occasional asshole wanders in but thanks to the Xanax, its water down a duck’s back. Tomorrow I will be working with the Poacher Calvin. Now we are listening to Prince Sign of the Times. We listened to Stevie Wonder’s Innervisions. And also Billie Holiday’s Greatest Hits which is what the Boy Wonder Thomas requested the past few days and I remembered to bring it in for him.

He’s going to borrow it so I guess he will burn himself his own copy. Sorry Lady Day, but you know how it is. And the Boy Wonder Thomas messed up a few times today. I don’t know if it was pride but something prevented him from asking for help, leaving me to clean up the messes after he had left.

I like the Boy Wonder Thomas, he’s a nice guy, has a good sense of humor and seems to be a born salesman. I don’t know how he does it but he’s been number one or at least number two in sales.

Where in February I was told my numbers were impressive, now my numbers are anemic and pathetic. I expect to hear something about it sooner or later. And the Xanax this morning was definitely a good idea, though by the end of the day it wore off somewhat.

I didn’t have the homicidal urges that I had yesterday but still there was a modicum of frustration to deal with and that was mainly the Boy Wonder Thomas’ mistakes, making me leave the cigar shack about 20 minutes later than I would have.

Street Fighting Man, Gimme Shelter, Satisfaction, The Last Time and Jumping Jack Flash got me to the bus terminal in 18 minutes, no frantic stomping thanks to the Xanax. Now I am home, I am happy and I am not writing tomorrow, but I am working with the poacher. Have a good Sunday.

I Wanna Be Around

And now we find ourselves in Tuesday, or rather I find myself in Tuesday. Where and when you are I really couldn’t say. Some readers are in New Zealand, others are in Bala Cynwyd (who actually came in second place of ‘readers’ for the first week in February.

It’s peculiar but then I suppose some people in Bala Cynwyd are peculiar. Not the active writing comments type, just the wallflower types, standing on the sidelines and letting life pass them by. Maybe that is the thing to do in Bala Cynwyd, nothing.

My day (as well as last night) was fraught with anxiety. I was going to be working with Calvin after last seeing him on Thursday last. He was slurry and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. So last night I was edgy.

Bill was home fast asleep and I could not talk to him about it. A Xanax was nearby which took the anxiety level down somewhat. After that it was relatively smooth sailing. Slept fairly well too which was needed.

Bill was up and out at 6:00AM and I slept some more until about 8:00, waking up to the Eagles singing Take it To the Limit which was a song I grew up with. Brought me back to a class trip in the 1970’s to Old Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts.

A day trip which came back a few hours late, filling the parking lot with nervous parents. If it happened today, the parents would have been on the news worrying frantically about their lost babies. Nowadays, it’s my classmates from back then who would be on the TV screaming about their missing, tardy children.

I got out of bed and shuffled about, breakfast, coffee, and shower. I needed to leave earlier since I needed to drop off a suit at the dry cleaners as well as a few shirts that belong to Bill and myself. Then a drop off at the bibliothèque.

I had picked up Herbie Hancock’s CD, Gershwin’s World since Bill and I heard a clip of Joni Mitchell with Herbie singing Summertime. Bill loved it immediately and unbeknownst to me, had downloaded it almost instantly. I arranged for it to be at the bibliothèque. So I burned a copy to no avail. It was alright though, I didn’t mind and got a few laughs out of Bill saying the he did not love me anymore since he went and downloaded it while I sweated and slaved over a CD burner.

Waited for the bus while chatting with Bill on the phone. I tell you, I would be so lost without Bill. He is the guy I can depend on if just for an ear, his good advice and his overall warm and loving spirit. Soon I was on the bus, then walking through the terminal and onto the subway.

Another call to Bill since we have to maintain radio silence while I am working and I don’t want to overload my man with my drama and whatever it is that is happening. I walked into the cigar shack (which is what Bill calls it) and there was Calvin.

The Bradley was also on board and we actually spoke since he wasn’t too happy with Calvin’s behavior. It was certainly an odd thing as I helped the Bradley straighten out the humidor which was Sean’s (Ryan ‘Krispy’ Ramos) domain. The day progressed, I had a late lunch and came back in time for the Bradley to be headed home, leaving me to close with Calvin.

That was what I dreaded but it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. A half a bottle of beer on Calvin’s office desk and me on Xanax made for a tranquil evening, though we both did a lot of avoiding each other in any event.

A customer came in and was smoking a cigar in the back, so he was a nice buffer. The customer saw Prince again after seeing him at Madison Square Garden a few weeks ago and regaled me with highlights from the show. I headed home after closing the store by myself, getting on a downtown train to the bus terminal.

I called Hyman Gross who missed me last night. I didn’t think he would be out and about again but he was and hoped to see me on the 9:42 bus. But I was on the 9:26 bus. He asked to give him a call tonight and if I spoke to him I would have waited for him, but I got his voice mail and took the earlier bus home.

With all the dry cleaning I brought this morning, I had forgotten to wear a hat and the temperature dropped considerably. I won’t be forgetting to wear a hat again until the spring.

And that’s the name of that tune.

I Love Paris

A day off. And it’s been a productive day again. Slept fairly well last night, had dreams that I remember. One dream featured my mother and it was a nice feeling to see her again. That dream either involved or preceded a dream that involved a varsity jacket that had NUTS written on the back.

I’m not sure if that meant a scrotum or in fact something to do with the state of mind. Then at some point after that I had an itchy palm which to superstitious folk (which I am sometimes) means that I will be coming into some money.

I eventually woke up around the usual time to the sound of Barry White singing ‘You’re My First, My Last, My Everything’ which I took to be a good omen since Barry White and I were both born on September 12.

Bill took the day off since he was feeling exhausted and in need of a rest. I puttered about as usual making some coffee, pouring some cereal and showering and shaving. I had time to get myself ready to head out, and Bill eventually got out of bed to offer his support once again.

I got it together and though I couldn’t find the suit that I wanted to wear (superstition again) I did find another suit that did the job just as well. I wore a belt instead of the braces I usually wear. I thought the braces would have been a bit much, a bit overreaching for a job interview, even though it was for an investment institution.

I thought it would be best to dress like I was in an office support position rather than dressing like an investment banker. Braces make people think ‘stock broker’ or ‘investment banker’ so for an administrative position a belt was in order.

There was a slight snow storm outside as I walked to the Path train, heading to the World Trade Center stop. Of course I was crazy early so I decided to stop by Century 21 and looked at some clothes to kill some time. I still was early after that, but only five minutes early.

I made it to the building and checked in with security. A phone call was made to the woman I was supposed to meet, Shirley. Unfortunately Shirley was unavailable and her voice mail was reached. I of course panicked a bit, but thankfully, having had half a tablet of Xanax it wasn’t so bad.

I hung around for a few minutes until the security guard called me back, Shirley contacted him and I was granted access to the 14th floor. On the 14th floor was a security guard who escorted me to the 12th floor, where I was shown to a conference room overlooking the Hudson River.

It was an impressive sight, a snowstorm was going on and I saw various boats and tug boats going up and down the river. I was tempted to take a photograph of the view but decided against it. This was a serious job I was after and no artsy shenanigans were to be had.

Shirley came in and we seemed to hit it off quite nicely. They need to fill this job which is basically a job that I have done for the past 10 years and did an exceptional job I might add. After a few minutes with Shirley, I met Nelson, who if I get the job, I would be working with.

All around it was a 45 minute interview. Thanks to the Xanax I don’t think I had any scent of desperation on me. Shirley and I talked some more, she showed me the offices as she walked me to the door. I think it was a good sign, for why would they show someone the office to someone who had no chance for the position?

It had basically stopped snowing as I headed back to the Path train, and I stopped in Century 21 and picked up some nice cufflinks as a present for Bill. Back in Hoboken, the Path from Hoboken to the World Trade Center is about a 15 minute ride.

I stopped by the Guitar Bar and picked up some cigars that I had shipped last week. Calvin had something in the order which made me think that was why he was being relatively kind for the past few days.

When I give Calvin the cigars tomorrow when I return, I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes back to being a dick again. But that’s then and not now so as far as I’m concerned the cigar shop simply does not exist for me. It would be nice to get a Monday through Friday job again. I liked the people I met today and I hope they liked me.

Also talked with Harpy for a bit as well as a nice talk with my dear friend Billie in DC today. Billie’s still looking for a job, he’s been out of work longer than I have. I wish him the very best in the world, he’s my chocolate sister and I love him very much.

I Don’t Know What to Do with My Life

Well here it is Tuesday forme, Wednesday for you. Not much I can do about it. Not much I can do about anything. I’m in the same boat as a lot of people and as far as I can tell, we are all pretty much miserable.

At least I have Xanax to get me through the day. Others use booze, heroin, whatever may be handy.

The latest twist in the saga of working retail, is that next month, I’ll probably have to participate in Monday Night Football. Not playing it, not watching it, just having to be in the store while the game goes on.

And if there is any one sport that I don’t like, it’s football. I already plan on having a good book to read and I’ll likely be writing at the cigar shop and posting it when I get home, which should be sometime around 2:00 in the morning.

I certainly wasn’t asked, but the new schedule is out and one of those games is on my late shift. I’m not happy about but who the fuck cares? I have a job don’t I? So shut up and stop complaining.

Still I continue to look elsewhere for work, hopefully getting out before the holiday rush, but no one is hiring. No word from CVS, Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. And no word from that guy Ian who offered me a job last month.

Perhaps he’s a flake. He did say I should hear something mid- September or by the end of the month and that is rapidly approaching.

Work was the usual stupid nonsense. Redundant? Perhaps. The ride to work was more of the banal. Sat there at the bus stop as the 10:15AM rolled past me, opting for the 10:30 bis instead. It wasn’t a crowded bus, still some familiar faces got on.

No Angie Baby, but the tattooed guy from the summer walked on board. His birth date is tattooed in a digital manner and it surprisingly matched the small tea cup saucers embedded in his earlobes.

I got off the subway with about 25 minutes to spare and just sat on a bench across from the cigar shop. The Xanax had kicked in so I didn’t really care much. It was Marcus, Calvin and Don with Sean coming in after school.

Some of the regulars floated in and out of the cigar shop and stationed themselves in the back room. Since Don was on the shift, I was able to leave the shop for my lunch hour for the first time in days. It really made a difference, to be able just to go outside instead of looking at the same four walls I would be stuck with for ten hours.

I wandered over to yet another bench by the park, had a cigar and read some of the New Yorker. I miss having a camera. I have a cellphone camera, but it’s definitely not the same thing.

I left the shop, around 9:13 tonight and to my surprise it was pouring out. I never see the weather outside. Still I plugged in the second half of the Buzzcocks, A Different Kind of Tension. Mainly heard I Don’t Know What to Do with My Life, Money, Hollow Inside, and A Different Kind of Tension.

By the time I got to the bus terminal, I Believe came on and since that is a 7 minute song, I’ll round the time to 17 minutes and 15 seconds. Probably would have been shorter, but it was raining after all.

That’s about all I have to write about. Bill is sore after training with a physical trainer.


Yes it’s been a steady rain today and quite windy. It was that way last night. I only went out once today to get some groceries that I neglected to get yesterday. And of course when I got home I realized that I forgot to get Stevia.

The weather has been affecting my sinuses but it’s manageable as long as I don’t have to physically interact with people. Phone is fine, online chatting is fine, Facebook is fine. But face to face? Forget about it. It’s best for all concerned I believe.

I was invited to see my nephew Brian in a play at his school, somewhere upstate. But with the weather and my sinuses I begged off. The same with Pedro. It’s his birthday today and he invited me up to Otisville but once again I said no thanks.

Otisville could even be close to my nephew’s school and perhaps I could have done both but here I am in front of a computer in Hoboken. Like I said, it’s best for all concerned.

Last night I found myself close to the blues. The mood, not the music. Watched Bill Maher and realized that I really can’t stand Bill Maher. I don’t know if I will watch it again. I guess it would depend on who his guests are.

I would prefer it if Maher wasn’t on his own show, just having the guests on with a different host, a host who didn’t think they were the most clever person in the hemisphere.

After that, the Simpsons and Craig Ferguson. I wound up going to bed not because I was tired but because I was bored. Maybe closed my eyes for about five minutes before I tossed and turned beset with anxiety.

Bill wasn’t home yet and I found myself worried. That sound on the street, was it a fight? Was someone attacking Bill? Was I going have to go down in the rain in my boxer briefs and crack some skulls? I got out of bed and checked Google Latitude which said he was a block away from the Path train.

I took a Xanax and went back to bed. Before I fell asleep Bill came home and told me of the fight he had out on the street, how he yelled my name and wondered where I was.
No, That didn’t happen.

For some reason Google Latitude said he was by the Path train and he was actually taking the bus. He was safe and sound on the couch and I soon fell fast asleep, anxiety free.

Slept the best I had in days actually. Had an interesting dream where a classmate from grammar school, Joyce- had opened a day spa in Hoboken in what looked like the basement apartment I lived in in the 1980’s.

In the dream, Joyce hadn’t grown since 1976 and to kiss her hello I had to bend down on my knees.

What? It last dream before I woke up.

I watched Gosford Park this afternoon and was overwhelmed by how good it was. If only for the phenomenal cast. Great story (sort of figured it out midway through), great performances.

I was blown away. I only regret not watching it sooner. Great direction by Robert Altman naturally. I might even watch it again with Altman’s commentary.

Bill should watch it, so I will probably hang onto it so he can.

I also watched the extras disc from Near Dark which I enjoyed more than the actual movie last night. Interviews with Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen , Jeanette Goldstein and Katheryn Bigelow.

Happy birthday Pedro!

Giving It All Away

Well it’s back to school, back to work for most everyone. Or for some. I don’t know. I did harbor some hope that the interviews I went on, the resumes I sent out, the online applications that I filled out would be responded to, today perhaps, today would be the day that I would have heard something.

But alas, nothing. I sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes fill out these forms online, send my resume, with such a feeling of hope and feeling that this will be the one, the one that I get a call back. Bloomberg, Goldman Sachs, all big names that surely must have some small room in their organizations for someone like me, but no.

Apparently there is nothing forthcoming, leaving me dejected.

And when I walked around this afternoon I felt I could see the same reactions on a lot of people’s faces. Perhaps the look on their faces is from the fact that where the past week or so there was family and fun and good feelings abounding, now there’s just us.

And the bitterness of the cold, mirrors the bitterness we feel inside.

For me, the angst arrived in the night as I was going to sleep. Bill and I watched a few episodes of Lawn Hors d’œuvre: Criminal Malcontent. Caught the Simpsons which was OK, nothing to write about despite the fact that I’m writing about it.

Caught the first few minutes of the Cleveland Show which is made by Seth McFarlane who made The Family Guy. I loathe the Family Guy and through that I disliked the Cleveland Show. Bill and I did become hooked on what is the only reality show we like, Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.

Tabatha is a tough Australian woman who goes into hair salons and tries to help them out. If only Tabatha was in Hoboken 20 years ago when Patrick Morrissey was around with his hair salon. Then again Narcotics Anonymous and AA would have had to play a major part in that, if that were the case.

And in case Patrick Morrissey googles his name, ‘Hello Patrick’.

Bill went to bed early so I watched The Soloist starring Robert Downey Jr & Jamie Foxx. Oh it was remarkably lackluster. Left you not caring at all. Then the news which was all about how cold it was. It was in the 15 degree range last night.

I wound up watching How I Met Your Mother which I never watched before. No Neil Patrick Harris in this one, and I didn’t know Jason Segal was a regular cast member. I like the Jason Segal.

Around 1:30 I went to bed, not because I was tired but because I was bored. And I lay there for about 45 minutes unable to sleep. I got out of bed and did an online crossword puzzle. Knowing that Xanax makes me drowsy sometimes, I took a Xanax and about 20 minutes later I was heavily lidded and ready to go to sleep.

Slept so well I didn’t realize Bill kissed me goodbye. It was around 2:30 or so when I went to sleep and woke up around 10:30 this morning. Made some coffee and poured my cereal in the bowl and decided to go back to sleep. It felt good.

I didn’t do much today, went out around Hoboken, saw the faces of my fellow unemployed and came home again from the bitter cold. Had an early dinner since I was hungry and now here I sit, filling out more online applications with not much hope.

I wish the weather was warmer so I could go out and play guitar again on the pier.

Basketball Jones

This is one of those moments in life where a joint would be most nice. But of course I am lacking in that department. What started as a fine day almost degenerated into crap and it wasn’t my fault. I do have to thank the makers of Xanax for taking a major edge off the trouble I found myself in this afternoon.

I suppose it’s true, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. In that case, to quote AC/DC I’m on the Highway to Hell.

Last night was quite pleasant enough. Bill came home and we watched The Baroness of Jazz, about a woman, an heiress to the Rothschild fortune who left England and wound up being a major supporter of Thelonious Monk and a few others in that Jazz scene.

I recorded it since Bill has a connection to Thelonious Monk in some regard. Right now, my patience is sorely being tested by the sound card I guess on my computer.

Right now I’m trying to listen to some Kate Bush on iTunes, while also trying to upload the videos I shot of Bill tonight. Unfortunately with every keystroke on the computer the sound goes to shit.

Apparently I cannot do more than one thing on the computer without something going wrong. You get what you paid for I guess. Be ru-un-nni-i-i-nn-ggg u-u-u-p-p t-hhhhaaa-tttt hi-ll-ll is not how Kate Bush is supposed to sound. A 5:01 song gets stretched to 6 and change.

And the one clip I had shot of Bill was somehow turned into 2 clips, so I decided to add the sound check making it a 2:36 clip. I know I would be feeling a lot worse if it weren’t for the Xanax which is merely making me frustrated rather than angry.

Anyhow, The Baroness of Jazz was good and Bill really enjoyed it. After that, Bill and I watched Saturday Night Live. I generally enjoy the holiday episodes of Saturday Night Live. I often wondered if it was Lorne Michaels generosity that lets some truly strange sketches go on air.

I loved the digital short, it was hilarious and definitely weird. No more pajamas for me. Bill went to bed during Weekend Update, I stayed up to watch the rest. Muse were the musical guests and I thought they were alright.

Soon I went to bed as the snow continued falling. I woke up around 8:30, Bill was off to church for the first time in weeks, delivering the liturgy. I soon had my boots on, walked up to Washington Street where the bagel shop was empty. Yesterday the line was out onto the sidewalk.

In and out in under a minute, I made my way through sloppy streets to the supermarket. Cute cashier, reminded me of Karen Kuhl from Gutbank, 20 years ago.

The rest of the day was OK, until I responded to matters regarding Christmas presents. Where I planned and saved to get these presents I was left feeling foolish for getting these meager presents. Whatever good feeling I had was soon gone.

Bill was home by then and taking a nap, I had an early supper. That’s when I had the Xanax which couldn’t activate fast enough for my nerves. Eventually it did and talking to Bill about it certainly helped.

Things will have to be done differently and certain plans will be changed within the next five days. C’est la vie, that’s just the way that it goes.

Bill and I ran into Rand and Lisa as we walked to the Path train, good to see them. They wished Bill good luck with his singing. We also ran into Kathe Charas who is leaving New York and heading to Florida to help out some relatives. Glad to be able to see her on the day she was leaving though it was quite inadvertent.

We were set up nicely at the Garden, had dinner in the Press Room and Bill had a small dressing room. We had passes that allowed me to walk through the bowels of the Garden and shoot Bill’s sound check and the pass came in handy during the actual performance.

Unfortunately, someone bumped into me during the actual performance which left the video slightly disjointed. I posted it on YouTube as johnotoole99 as well on Facebook and also here.

Our singer

Our singer

'Just the facts, ma'am'

'Just the facts, ma'am'

Time After Time (Annelise)

Nice and tired. Did a lot of walking last night and slept well, did even more walking today. Would have been a good day for a bike ride, but it was way too warm for that.

Since I did some work for Greg Stevens yesterday I decided to head back into the office and just tidy things up for when Greg got into his office tomorrow morning.

I did my usual Sunday morning thing, bagels, newspapers and whatnot. No murderous impulses towards my fellow Hobokenites, it was a warm morning all around. Bill was gone by 7:00 this morning, some big church function.

Came home, had a good breakfast and read the papers. After a while I figured it was now or never so I headed into the city around 1:30. Ran into Rand and Lisa on the bus, they were going to see Billy Elliot on Broadway with some of Rand’s relatives, already in the city.

I explained to them what was going on with me with regards to the Xanax and I was surprised to see Rand have a frown about it. Well it’s working well for me, even at half the dosage prescribed.

He recommended exercise, much like Annemarie did the other day, but there’s no one around to exercise with basically.

There are those Tai Chi classes in Bryant Park on Thursday mornings that I never had time for but now I might be able to find time. Well see about that come Thursday morning.

Made it to the office, wisely sidestepping the Madison Avenue street fair. No one in the office at all today and I was able to get somethings together and make life a little bit easier for Greg Stevens.

Grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and decided to head up to Central Park. I did not want to see or hear Dinosaur Jr so I walked over to the skate circle.

Found a seat by the flagpole monument and sat down, enjoyed a cigar and read the Tom Waits biography. Almost done with it and it’s due back at the library tomorrow.

A beautiful day, lot’s of people in the park. No bears on Bear Hill, but quite a few baby strollers. I guess the bear thing is a Saturday event. The music was classic disco mainly and when it started getting all housy housy I made my way out.

Still people were streaming into the park, lot’s of tourists. I strolled down Sixth Avenue to catch the Path train and one pulled into the station just when I got there. More reading about Tom Waits in an air conditioned train car.

It’s just been a nice, calm day. Really stress free, not even relatively.

I know why that is and I’m sure you have a pretty good idea as well. Feeling the way I am now is so much better than the internal rage that I carried around and never really wrote about except one or two times, which inspired my brother Brian to write that I sounded like our father.

Things have been getting quite intense for me and I needed something fast. And I think I found it for the time being.

So I’m cool.
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The Pressure Of Life (Takes the Weight Off the Body)

OK, back to the present day. The past few weeks have been quite stressful for me. Job loss, staying home climbing the walls, planes and helicopters crashing nearby.

Plus my people skills have been non-existent. Going to the supermarket would leave me enraged. Crossing the street was a matter of life or death with me tempting fate.

Not that I was trying to get hit by a car, but rather looking for trouble as a pedestrian yelling at and sometimes smacking the trunk of a car as it rolled through a stop sign.

The sort of thing that occasionally winds up with someone getting shot and since I do not own a gun, the person who might get shot would be me.

I discussed this with Casey Chasm who is fleeing Hoboken with the missus at the end of the month since Hoboken is so bleedin’ expensive. He’s been unemployed longer than I’ve been and went through similar feelings.

He recommended a prescription for Xanax. I’ve used Xanax back in the day, usually from Susan Sled’s pillbox hat. Didn’t do much for me 19 years ago, but it was for recreational purposes then, and foolishly so.

Now I had an actual reason.

Casey suggested seeing his doctor and since the doctor I used a few years ago has quite a flaky schedule I called up Casey’s MD and got an appointment for the same day.

So following Casey’s well timed advice I went and had an EKG, and some lung capacity tests and they were fine. Of course the discussion about quitting cigarettes came up and it will be discussed further once I get my blood work done next week.

I do like the doctor though, and his staff were very nice as well. So after picking up the prescription, I took one. The recommended dosage was 2 a day, but 1 was enough. Plus it was late afternoon. Within about 20 minutes, things started to get warm, edginess fading.

Ran into the funniest girl alive, Meghan and her daughter Ruby. All very pleasant, even more pleasant than usual. And I still had a sense of humor. Walked around with Meghan and Ruby, saw Jim at the Guitar Bar where Jim was putting stuff in the car for the Guitar Bar Summer Camp show at the Frozen Monkey Cafe.

Jim & Ruby drove up there, Meghan and I walked up. I was feeling generally pretty good and Meghan was feeling pretty much the same way.

I decided not to stay to watch the kids playing whatever it is they were going to play. A few weeks ago all I needed to hear was the opening notes to Sweet Child of Mine by Guns & Roses to get me out of there.

I opted to go to the supermarket to see if my murderous rage was suppressed enough. On the way there I talked on the phone to my sister in law Elaine since my new doctor asked me for info on my brother Frank’s stroke in 2007.

Got the info and headed into the store which was crowded and staffed with the usual belligerent people. This time it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me either when on the express line someone ahead of me had 20 items instead of the limit of 15.

Had a light supper when I came home, a few hours later, a walk around Hoboken once again with Julio. And that was pleasant, none of the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I know that weight is still there but not crushing me like it’s been lately.

I could have used a Xanax the other night when I went to the Yankee game with Bill. That didn’t go as well as I had hoped.

I was pretty much miserable and Bill had a feeling that was going to happen. Overall that was a bad night. Sitting in the bleachers with no back support, my neck was stiff and I was wearing an older pair of glasses that I thought looked better but with a weaker prescription, I couldn’t focus on much at all.

Bill enjoyed himself despite me. And it made for an uncomfortable ride home.

I can be quite an asshole sometimes. Hopefully now I’ll have a better grip on that.

Today I’m going into Greg Stevens office to do some coconut work, then heading across town to see the play that Bill has been stage managing the past few weeks.

I think this weekend or early next week, I’ll have a return trip to Lodi, a family friend passed away this morning. Back to the social milieu of wakes and funerals.

Bill & his friend Kirk

Bill & his friend Kirk