Posts Tagged ‘Xanax’

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I Don’t Like Mondays

Saturday, October 15th, 2011

Well it’s a Saturday and it’s been a day off and from what I can tell nice day weather wise. It’s been alright, I’ve been relatively busy though operating on a low flame. Not that I am ill or anything like that. Physically I feel fine.

All week long I was looking forward to going to Maxwells to support Rand and the Kirby Enthusiasm art show. I spent most of the day killing time, cleaning the apartment, getting some groceries and running errands.

Went to the bibliothèque and picked up a couple of things on hold for me and a stop at the dry cleaners to pick up some clothes. I came home and watched some television, not watching anything in particular. All in all it’s been a nothing day really. Lying low basically.

Last night I was home at a decent hour after work, Bill was off working on the play. I watched Bill Maher and then the news. Surprisingly (or maybe not) there was nothing to watch. Bill came home and we talked for a while before he went to bed.

I soon joined him, falling fast asleep. I slept fairly well, probably from the Xanax I had taken 12 hours before. The day before at the cigar shack was so soul crushing that I needed to let things slide and it certainly helped. And the comedown was pleasant enough to insure a good night’s sleep.

The sleep was good enough to make me sleep later than I expected, awoken once more by Bill kissing me good bye for the day. Bill had a full day, a voice lesson and then picking up his cousin’s son (whom he calls his nephew) to work alongside Bill on the play for some school project.

I did go walk around Hoboken for a spell this afternoon. Not much going on anywhere, so my walk was short lived. After coming home and having something to eat, as well as my Saturday phone call to Annemarie I started to get ready to go to Maxwells for the Kirby Enthusiasm show.

I took my time since I was watching a DVD and also downloading some Everly Brothers tracks as well as some Dave Edmunds and a couple of Elvis Presley songs. I wasn’t sure how cool it was outside since on the fifth floor of my building it was quite windy with the windows open.

I did get it together and started to head out. I also called CREDO since I checked my smartphone account. I was near my 300 text limit and couldn’t figure out how that happened so fast. I called CREDO and spoke to customer service.

They told me that my texting including the sending and receiving of texts as well as photographs, which I’ve been sending quite often. So I upgraded my text messaging and downgrading my phone plan because it seems I only talk to my sister and Bill. A trade off of sorts I guess.

Around 5:00 I decided to finally head out the door. But of course I didn’t actually hit the street until 25 minutes later. I walked up Washington Street, listening to the Bongos on the iPod. On the way I saw a young mother with a toddler and a baby in the carriage about to go into the building.

The toddler climbed the stoop to open the door for the mother. I figured the mother would need help carrying the carriage up the front steps so I offered to help. It was no big deal. I was smoking a cigar and lodged it in the front grate and then helped the mother up the four or five steps. After helping her out, I reclaimed my cigar and walked up the boulevard towards Maxwells.

Inside it was busy enough, people coming in for Saturday night dinners. I walked in and some guy waved to me so I waved back even though I had no idea who he was. I didn’t know anyone there so I looked at the art hanging on the wall. Great stuff, many different artists.

After a few minutes I still didn’t see anyone I knew. It was almost like the first time I went to Maxwells, just a feeling of unease from not knowing anyone. I did check in on my smartphone and decided I might have a better signal outside. Standing on the sidewalk I had a smoke and checked my bank account online and saw it was dangerously low.

I decided to head towards the river, planning on sitting on a bench. As I walked away, out of the corner of my eye I did see someone I knew, but didn’t really hang out with back in the day. Now he approached with one of his kids. I figured he didn’t see me so I had the advantage and kept walking, not turning around.

I turned the corner and felt better at being unseen. It was then I felt it would be best to go home. I saw the artwork and liked it, but couldn’t afford a pint or anything else, including a friend’s band playing in the back room as part of the Kirby Enthusiasm event. I felt bad but what could I do.

Perhaps pride got me going home, or perhaps it was shame at not having the funds. Still it was a way to save face. I feel better being home now, regretting not seeing any friends but I was there and they weren’t. Now they are there probably and I am not. That’s how it goes I suppose.

Bibliotheque





heading home



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I Believe In Father Christmas

Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

Just had a nap where I was in the southern part of Lodi, waiting to get a Frappuccino at Starbucks. A cover version of What’s My Name by the Clash played as I found myself trying to find where the Starbucks was that I left to escort a young woman from the coffee shop.

It was a rust belt version of Lodi, old machines decomposing in the deserted industrial areas. It should have been easy to find since it was across the street from Immaculate Conception high school. Inside it was dismal, with a few people milling about waiting for their beverages.

My server was actually someone who used to work at a pub in Saddle Brook called Gleason’s. I was doing some leaping and running as well as scaling down some iron walls designed like steppes while trying to get back to the Starbucks.

My knee was no trouble at all in the dream. Lots of running and jumping but still no Frappuccino.

I guess the Frappuccino was in my subconscious after getting an email from the corporation telling me I could get a free download of summer songs if I just go into the Starbucks. Although I wound up in Lodi in the dream I believe the Starbucks was actually in the vicinity of the cigar shack. There is no escaping the cigar shack.

A nap when the weather is close to 100 degrees outside is very nice. A fan blowing on my half dressed body as I lay on top of the bed was quite nice. I didn’t sleep too well last night and that helped with the nap. A Xanax that I took earlier in the day certainly helped quite a bit.

The Xanax came in handy when I made a phone call to someone. It was a day off and I tried calling them twice in the past week, left voice mails both time. This person usually calls me up and is generally upset that I never call.

Of course I never take into consideration that they have a phone that cannot dial out, they can only receive calls for some reason.

A few weeks previous this person contacted me about going to see a benefit show at Maxwells on June 29. I explained that it’s Bill’s birthday that day and depending on my work schedule I wasn’t sure at the time whether or not I would be able to make it.

It turns out that I was able to request that day and the next day off, not actually days off but when Calvin does the schedule I would like to be able to be off and make up those days off later in that week or around that time.

Well the person on the phone seemed harried as I walked around outside in the record high temperatures answering his questions concisely. He asked if I was upset about something, remarking that it sounded like I was angry with him. I explained that I wasn’t angry or upset, far from it, thanks to the Xanax.

Well it turns out that I wasn’t able to buy the tickets locally in Hoboken, that I would have to make the purchase online when I got home. That was no problem.

But what actually did upset me was the fact that me and the guy at the other end of the phone were once quite close and I do make an effort to rebuild what past we may have had, but sometimes it gets so hard to do so.

It’s not always like this but on occasion there is such a chemical reaction between the two of us that it almost always ends badly. And today was just like that.





Farewell to Harbor House, the Hoboken rehab center. Must've been some party...

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I Love You Because

Monday, March 21st, 2011

Monday for me, Monday for you. It could be worse but I don’t see how. The mantra pops up once again, ‘at least you have a job’. Xanax helps with that. I was feeling a bit anxious last night so I had half a tablet and this morning I had the other half before I went in. It certainly helped last night.

I watched Toy Story 3 yesterday, and like a lot of people I got chocked up at the end. It was a sweet movie, I guess it doesn’t matter that I never saw the first two parts.

After that some dinner, a light supper and then the finale of Big Love. I had caught up on all the episodes and still I was greatly surprised by who it ended. Did not see that one coming at all. After that shocker came Shameless which I really enjoy even though a few people I’ve met said that the UK version of Shameless makes the US version look like it was on the Disney channel, but that’s fine with me.

Bill had come home in a good mood and we had a few good laughs. He was soon off to bed and I stayed up watching whatever it is that I can’t remember right now. It wasn’t Kill Bill Vol. 1 since I watched that the night before on cable, with commercials and toned down violence and no swearing.

In any event I was up at 8:00 this morning wondering why Bill was still in bed. Well apparently he messed up his back and really couldn’t get out of bed. That threw me off my game for a bit this morning but still I got it together. And I must say I looked good. Nice navy pinstripe, 2 button, a pink shirt with a white collar and French cuffs, and a pink striped tie.

When I kissed Bill goodbye he remarked how good I looked so I left the apartment floating on that compliment as well as half a Xanax. The walk to the bus stop was drizzly but I refrained from using the umbrella.

Since the weather was a bit wet I opted for the subway once I got into the bus terminal. I still had time to kill so I just wandered around in the drizzle before I headed into work. It was the Bradley and Marcus in the cigar shack when I arrived.

Calvin was late, apparently he was ill. Still he managed to get it together somewhat and came in about 45 minutes later. It wasn’t such a bad day after all. Calvin was not really around, Marcus left the shop and the Bradley was somewhat agreeable to work with.

Calvin seemed to take my suggestion to heart and laid low, out of sight. He even left early once I convinced him that it would be best, since he has a major event going on Wednesday night. Maybe he will stay home and conserve his energy.

Other than that there was nothing much else to write about. Jimmy Seltzer came by and hung out for a while, smoking cigars in the man cave. I sat with him for a little while, puffing on a cigar and then running off to help the rare customer that comes in after 7:00PM.

We were having a good chat when I realized that it was after 9:00 and I had to close up. Jimmy Seltzer hit the road and I did the usual thing of closing the store at an extra slow momentum.

Still after that I made it to the bus terminal in good time, thanks to James Brown, Sly & the Family Stone, Aretha Franklin and Marvin Gaye.




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I Got Lucky

Saturday, March 12th, 2011

Another day at the cigar shack and here I am getting an early start on writing. Not much else to do. I did the right thing this morning and did a Xanax before I came in. It’s felt great and there has been no need to desire to punch anyone in the face.

I slept well last night, thanks to some jazzy cigarettes. Watched Bill Maher last night and it was more annoying than anything. Bill did make it home and I got the hug I was looking for and then proceeded o tell him about the day that I had.

He was tired but understanding and listened to every word which was exactly what I needed. The we watched part of The Laughing Policeman before Bill went to bed. I stayed up and watched footage of the disaster in Japan, which to me looked like animation. Just a mass of mud and sea water sweeping trucks and cars away with just a wave of Mother Nature’s hand.

And the day today was not as bad as it was yesterday. The boys seem to be on their best behavior but then again I seem to be on Xanax. Things will slow down considerably in 20 minutes when the man cave shuts down. That wouldn’t be so bad after all. And that is definitely the Xanax talking.

Still the occasional asshole wanders in but thanks to the Xanax, its water down a duck’s back. Tomorrow I will be working with the Poacher Calvin. Now we are listening to Prince Sign of the Times. We listened to Stevie Wonder’s Innervisions. And also Billie Holiday’s Greatest Hits which is what the Boy Wonder Thomas requested the past few days and I remembered to bring it in for him.

He’s going to borrow it so I guess he will burn himself his own copy. Sorry Lady Day, but you know how it is. And the Boy Wonder Thomas messed up a few times today. I don’t know if it was pride but something prevented him from asking for help, leaving me to clean up the messes after he had left.

I like the Boy Wonder Thomas, he’s a nice guy, has a good sense of humor and seems to be a born salesman. I don’t know how he does it but he’s been number one or at least number two in sales.

Where in February I was told my numbers were impressive, now my numbers are anemic and pathetic. I expect to hear something about it sooner or later. And the Xanax this morning was definitely a good idea, though by the end of the day it wore off somewhat.

I didn’t have the homicidal urges that I had yesterday but still there was a modicum of frustration to deal with and that was mainly the Boy Wonder Thomas’ mistakes, making me leave the cigar shack about 20 minutes later than I would have.

Street Fighting Man, Gimme Shelter, Satisfaction, The Last Time and Jumping Jack Flash got me to the bus terminal in 18 minutes, no frantic stomping thanks to the Xanax. Now I am home, I am happy and I am not writing tomorrow, but I am working with the poacher. Have a good Sunday.



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I Wanna Be Around

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

And now we find ourselves in Tuesday, or rather I find myself in Tuesday. Where and when you are I really couldn’t say. Some readers are in New Zealand, others are in Bala Cynwyd (who actually came in second place of ‘readers’ for the first week in February.

It’s peculiar but then I suppose some people in Bala Cynwyd are peculiar. Not the active writing comments type, just the wallflower types, standing on the sidelines and letting life pass them by. Maybe that is the thing to do in Bala Cynwyd, nothing.

My day (as well as last night) was fraught with anxiety. I was going to be working with Calvin after last seeing him on Thursday last. He was slurry and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. So last night I was edgy.

Bill was home fast asleep and I could not talk to him about it. A Xanax was nearby which took the anxiety level down somewhat. After that it was relatively smooth sailing. Slept fairly well too which was needed.

Bill was up and out at 6:00AM and I slept some more until about 8:00, waking up to the Eagles singing Take it To the Limit which was a song I grew up with. Brought me back to a class trip in the 1970’s to Old Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts.

A day trip which came back a few hours late, filling the parking lot with nervous parents. If it happened today, the parents would have been on the news worrying frantically about their lost babies. Nowadays, it’s my classmates from back then who would be on the TV screaming about their missing, tardy children.

I got out of bed and shuffled about, breakfast, coffee, and shower. I needed to leave earlier since I needed to drop off a suit at the dry cleaners as well as a few shirts that belong to Bill and myself. Then a drop off at the bibliothèque.

I had picked up Herbie Hancock’s CD, Gershwin’s World since Bill and I heard a clip of Joni Mitchell with Herbie singing Summertime. Bill loved it immediately and unbeknownst to me, had downloaded it almost instantly. I arranged for it to be at the bibliothèque. So I burned a copy to no avail. It was alright though, I didn’t mind and got a few laughs out of Bill saying the he did not love me anymore since he went and downloaded it while I sweated and slaved over a CD burner.

Waited for the bus while chatting with Bill on the phone. I tell you, I would be so lost without Bill. He is the guy I can depend on if just for an ear, his good advice and his overall warm and loving spirit. Soon I was on the bus, then walking through the terminal and onto the subway.

Another call to Bill since we have to maintain radio silence while I am working and I don’t want to overload my man with my drama and whatever it is that is happening. I walked into the cigar shack (which is what Bill calls it) and there was Calvin.

The Bradley was also on board and we actually spoke since he wasn’t too happy with Calvin’s behavior. It was certainly an odd thing as I helped the Bradley straighten out the humidor which was Sean’s (Ryan ‘Krispy’ Ramos) domain. The day progressed, I had a late lunch and came back in time for the Bradley to be headed home, leaving me to close with Calvin.

That was what I dreaded but it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. A half a bottle of beer on Calvin’s office desk and me on Xanax made for a tranquil evening, though we both did a lot of avoiding each other in any event.

A customer came in and was smoking a cigar in the back, so he was a nice buffer. The customer saw Prince again after seeing him at Madison Square Garden a few weeks ago and regaled me with highlights from the show. I headed home after closing the store by myself, getting on a downtown train to the bus terminal.

I called Hyman Gross who missed me last night. I didn’t think he would be out and about again but he was and hoped to see me on the 9:42 bus. But I was on the 9:26 bus. He asked to give him a call tonight and if I spoke to him I would have waited for him, but I got his voice mail and took the earlier bus home.

With all the dry cleaning I brought this morning, I had forgotten to wear a hat and the temperature dropped considerably. I won’t be forgetting to wear a hat again until the spring.

And that’s the name of that tune.


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I Love Paris

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

A day off. And it’s been a productive day again. Slept fairly well last night, had dreams that I remember. One dream featured my mother and it was a nice feeling to see her again. That dream either involved or preceded a dream that involved a varsity jacket that had NUTS written on the back.

I’m not sure if that meant a scrotum or in fact something to do with the state of mind. Then at some point after that I had an itchy palm which to superstitious folk (which I am sometimes) means that I will be coming into some money.

I eventually woke up around the usual time to the sound of Barry White singing ‘You’re My First, My Last, My Everything’ which I took to be a good omen since Barry White and I were both born on September 12.

Bill took the day off since he was feeling exhausted and in need of a rest. I puttered about as usual making some coffee, pouring some cereal and showering and shaving. I had time to get myself ready to head out, and Bill eventually got out of bed to offer his support once again.

I got it together and though I couldn’t find the suit that I wanted to wear (superstition again) I did find another suit that did the job just as well. I wore a belt instead of the braces I usually wear. I thought the braces would have been a bit much, a bit overreaching for a job interview, even though it was for an investment institution.

I thought it would be best to dress like I was in an office support position rather than dressing like an investment banker. Braces make people think ‘stock broker’ or ‘investment banker’ so for an administrative position a belt was in order.

There was a slight snow storm outside as I walked to the Path train, heading to the World Trade Center stop. Of course I was crazy early so I decided to stop by Century 21 and looked at some clothes to kill some time. I still was early after that, but only five minutes early.

I made it to the building and checked in with security. A phone call was made to the woman I was supposed to meet, Shirley. Unfortunately Shirley was unavailable and her voice mail was reached. I of course panicked a bit, but thankfully, having had half a tablet of Xanax it wasn’t so bad.

I hung around for a few minutes until the security guard called me back, Shirley contacted him and I was granted access to the 14th floor. On the 14th floor was a security guard who escorted me to the 12th floor, where I was shown to a conference room overlooking the Hudson River.

It was an impressive sight, a snowstorm was going on and I saw various boats and tug boats going up and down the river. I was tempted to take a photograph of the view but decided against it. This was a serious job I was after and no artsy shenanigans were to be had.

Shirley came in and we seemed to hit it off quite nicely. They need to fill this job which is basically a job that I have done for the past 10 years and did an exceptional job I might add. After a few minutes with Shirley, I met Nelson, who if I get the job, I would be working with.

All around it was a 45 minute interview. Thanks to the Xanax I don’t think I had any scent of desperation on me. Shirley and I talked some more, she showed me the offices as she walked me to the door. I think it was a good sign, for why would they show someone the office to someone who had no chance for the position?

It had basically stopped snowing as I headed back to the Path train, and I stopped in Century 21 and picked up some nice cufflinks as a present for Bill. Back in Hoboken, the Path from Hoboken to the World Trade Center is about a 15 minute ride.

I stopped by the Guitar Bar and picked up some cigars that I had shipped last week. Calvin had something in the order which made me think that was why he was being relatively kind for the past few days.

When I give Calvin the cigars tomorrow when I return, I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes back to being a dick again. But that’s then and not now so as far as I’m concerned the cigar shop simply does not exist for me. It would be nice to get a Monday through Friday job again. I liked the people I met today and I hope they liked me.

Also talked with Harpy for a bit as well as a nice talk with my dear friend Billie in DC today. Billie’s still looking for a job, he’s been out of work longer than I have. I wish him the very best in the world, he’s my chocolate sister and I love him very much.

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