Tag Archives: Unemployment

Hymn of the Big Wheel

Well today is a better day. It’s because I took a Xanax. Now some people frown upon the fact that I occasionally take a Xanax, but then again those people haven’t set foot in my size 12’s.

And what those people think actually has an effect on me taking some medication to feel better. Today I decided to ignore their opinions, worries and fears and it’s not a surprise that I actually feel better.

It’s my choice and I try not to judge what other people do in their lives or what they might do to make them happy, but I can safely say over the past few days I’ve never felt as despondent as I have. I appreciate their worry and concern but I do have to look out for myself first.

And I’m glad that I did.

Whether or not they’re glad about the reason I’m feeling better is something that I obviously cannot be concerned about. And it’s not like I take a Xanax every day, maybe one every two weeks at best.

Last night was a roller coaster of emotion for me. Bill came home after having deep tissue massage on his knees and we chatted a bit. At one point I decided to open myself up and actually tell him what was going on in my mind.

I told him how depressed I was and said a few other things, open ended stuff, hoping for some sort of feedback. I never got it. So my last statement on that matter was ‘this was my attempt to open up and talk about what is going on with me.’

That seemed to have gone unheard.

It hurt and reminded me of my Arcade Fire meltdown with my brother Frank. I was losing it and needed to talk to Frank about it, but he wasn’t having it, thinking I was baiting him for an argument. I am a firm believer in talking things out, but if there is no one responding to what I am talking about, it is basically useless.

Sure there are a few friends I can call, but even then I go unheard and wind up listening to everything they have to say about themselves with little or no input on my end. I generally would like to talk about what is going on with me.

If I believed in therapy for myself that would be the way to go, but since I don’t, it is not the way for me. Anyone else gets something out of therapy is fine, but for me it requires too much of a commitment that I am willing to make.

I was fairly distant with Bill most of the night. We watched all the comedy shows on NBC. Community was funny, Parks and Recreation not so much. The Office was OK as was 30 Rock, but those could be attributed to my lousy mood.

Bill went to bed soon after that and gave me a hug which was when he noticed that I wasn’t doing so well. I then explained what was going on, how I said I was so depressed and needed to hear some feedback from him and that since I didn’t I shut down and realized that whatever I was feeling, I would have to work through it on my own.

And perhaps even if Bill was there for me in that sense, I would still have to work through it on my own. He looked crestfallen and I felt bad dropping that on him before he went to bed.

Not that it kept him awake. As soon as his head hits the pillow he is out. This morning, Bill did make it a point to say he would be more attentive to my situation when he’s at home and in my groggy haze of the morning I told him I appreciated it and also apologized for my timing.

I should have brought it up right away when it was happening rather than feeling hurt and shutting down most forms of communication. I usually try to do that, but last night I was too far gone.

And like I said, I am better now.

Just got a phone call from my former boss Ashish. His first words? ‘Sounds like you’ve been drinking!’ Why does everyone think I drink all the time? He said I could use him as a reference which was gracious of him.

99 Bottles of Beer

Don’t know what to write about since there’s nothing really to write about. I went for a walk around Hoboken. Saw a few other unemployed people, all with the same look on their faces as me. Though I’m reluctant to describe it this way, it certainly was a vanilla sky.

I tried watching Gran Casino by Luis Bunuel finally after getting it from Netflix back in September. I did some reading about it online and read that Bunuel felt it was one of his lesser films so I stopped halfway through. I really didn’t care for the story and didn’t have the attention span to sit and watch it.

So that got me out of the apartment. Things being tight financially made buying anything risky behavior.

Heard from Pedro who is in Puerto Rico since his father is not doing that well. He called me up the other night to ask me about what type of luggage could be carried on board. I explained that a 2.5 foot bag worked for me when I last flew and that I was able to stow it in the overhead compartment.

When he called he asked me to guess where he was calling from and when I answered, Puerto Rico he was surprised, having forgotten that he actually called me telling me what he was doing and where he was going. Such is his state of mind lately.

Sent out a few resumes today, with hope mixed with antipathy. I almost wrote despair but I know how that would go over with some people. Antipathy is a better word anyhow. Almost like antipasto which is more repugnant to my delicate palette.

Having this time is good though sometimes.

I’ve been cleaning the apartment, bit by bit. Unfortunately there are quite a few bits.

Last night, being a Monday night meant Heroes is on. I feel I’m committed to seeing it all the way through. Bill was home when I started watching it and he remarked that he likes the show but finds it difficult to follow.

He hasn’t seen all the episodes like I have. Bill also mentioned that it reminded him of Lost. Well Lost is something totally different though also in the realm of science fiction. And that’s scheduled to wrap up next year.

Heroes doesn’t seem to have an end date and they keep introducing ludicrous characters that no one (at least in the forum that I read about it) cares much for the new actors. They should definitely tie it all together as much as they can and pull the plug.

You might have noticed that it was a late posting last night. That was mainly because I was distracted by the Google Chrome browser that I started using. Harpy suggested it so I downloaded and played with it, figured out the ins and outs.

I had actually finished the post before 6:00 last night, but when I went to check it still wasn’t up. Then I checked out the Word Press dashboard and there it was, forlorn and forgotten. So I posted after midnight even though the time stamp was something like 17:45.

I can tell how alarmed you all were, being inundated by emails showing concern. Well rest assured it will not happen again, at least not tonight.

11.10.09 Sun

That’s the Way of the World

It’s a Tuesday and it was a very nice Tuesday at that. Still I write on Bills Mac, which is fine, though I would prefer to have the access to my music and files and whatnot. And even though Bill is allowing me to use his Mac, I know for a fact that he’d rather I would be on my own computer.

Nothing is going on job wise. With all those resumes I sent out last week I haven’t heard from any one or any staffing agency. Still I’ve only been unemployed for 4 months and other people I know have been out of work even longer than that. I’ve been passing the time just wandering around Hoboken, going into stores and just looking at things. And since Hoboken is a small town I am running out of stores.

Last night I watched the Monty Python documentary and much to my surprise, it was all about how Python influenced a few people, like Russell Brand, Stephen Merchant, and Seth Green among others. They mostly said what I had written, though mine was mainly comprehensible as opposed to Russell Brand who was just so excited there were moments I had no idea what he was saying. Next time he should stick to my script.

Bill watched it with me. It was the first time he had ever seen the Fish Slapping Dance and it was startling to see his reaction. He was literally rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. ROFLMAO in Internet speak. So much so that I had to pause the show and wait to he collected himself. It was a very good episode though and I’m definitely looking forward to tonight’s part.

After that we watched most of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, even tough I own the DVD. Bill went to bed after the news and I stayed up watching Heroes. Which just keeps getting stupider and stupider. They should just cancel the show at the end of the season. I don’t care anymore for the majority of the characters, except for Peter Petrelli, played by Milo Ventimiglia.

Watched some of Craig Ferguson before going to bed. Not to sleep mind you. Bill’s sleep apnea mask isn’t fitting properly so he’s not wearing it, which causes him to snore and causes me to stay awake. He does respond to requests when he’s sleeping and I said loud enough, ‘Maybe you should sleep on your side’. I was hoping he’d turn away from me, but instead he turned towards me.

It reduced the snoring somewhat and I eventually did fall asleep, but it wasn’t an easy sleep since occasionally Bill would make the windows rattle. A trip to the east of Flushing is in order so Bill could get a replacement. I looked online to see if there was any place local so I would pick it up, but it turns out even if there was a local medical supply store, I wouldn’t be able to get the mask since I don’t have a prescription.

The Cutter

So happy it’s Thursday makes for a good acronym. The week went by not too fast but not too slow either. Keep your head down and muddle through is basically how its done.

I am through with the Today Show. One day they cancel Ann Cunter, the next day they have that anorexic twat on anyway. Matt ‘Sans scrotum’ Lauer talked with her in the first 10 minutes and I of course caught it like a bad cold.

I never heard of her until 9/11 and when I heard about how the US should invade foreign countries and convert the inhabitants to christianity, I figured she was just an old hag like Phyllis Schafly. Nope, I was wrong. She’s a middle aged hag. And the less said the better.

It seems like this might be a busy weekend coming up. Jeff the guy who works at Empire Coffee has a band that’s playing at McSwells tomorrow night. I think Jeff’s band is called the Poconos. He’s a good guy and I told him I would make an attempt to see him.

I also told him that I’m supposed to go out for a cigar and some whiskey with Steve like I did last week. I feel bad for Steve, he’s having a tough time trying to find a new job. So is Harpy, Rita and a few others that I know.

It used to be that I was the one who was unemployed and everyone else was working. Except for Harpy who was living the life of a country squire in upstate NY. I am keeping my ears open for all concerned, but I’m not hearing anything.

Last night was another in a series of quiet nights. Olbermann, but I turned off Rachel Maddow. I watched the recording of the Daily Show which was funny of course, but I was disappointed when the recording of The Colbert Report didn’t take. Does my DVR have something against Stephen Colbert?
It did erase the Colbert Christmas Special after all. I’m trying again tonight.

I might forgo Olbermann tonight and watch Ugly Betty. I need levity damn it! Since I missed the Colbert Report I was able to watch the new episodes of what else, but Scrubs. And they were actually pretty funny, though the second one was a touch sad with Glynn Thurman playing a dying man.

Good new characters introduced and I’m glad they kept Keith who was dumped a few days before his wedding to Eliot last year. That was a good way to resolve that plot line.

Saturday is Chaz’ party which Bill and I are attending. Kathe is supposed to be there as well as Connie, who I can’t believe I haven’t seen in a number of years. Just maintaining contact via the phone. I hope to see them as well as a certain commenter on this blog.

Just planing on relaxing tonight. Some TV, some reading, and probably a lot of surfing online. Don’t really have much else to write about so I should end it here. Or here.

Oh wait I should also send some good thoughts to my brother in law Rex who is en route to San Francisco with Annemarie for some tests to figure out what the hell is wrong with him.

So good thoughts are on the way!

Look Alive

Just got off the phone with Bill. It’s 11:37AM. Bill’s at work, I am not. He was just going off about how lucky I am to be able to go to work when I feel like it this week. My eyes rolled as I heard him say that and I needed to tell him what was what.

Yesterday while at work I sent him an Outlook invitation that I had posted in November and as a note on the invitation I wrote, ‘SEE? I am supposed to be out until Friday’. He got the invite but didn’t read it.

So technically I am off of work this week, as planned, as approved over a month ago by the managing director, the president of the company and the chief financial officer. Those are the other three people in the company- Vivek, Greg Stevens and Tom Chin.

I also explained that yes I am off and yes I am stopping by the office to take care of whatever odds and sods there might be, and no- I don’t have to do it.

I do it because I don’t want a pile of crap to deal with on Monday January 5. Plus it looks good that I am showing up when I don’t have to. So a few hours yesterday, maybe an hour tomorrow, maybe an hour on Friday…I wouldn’t say that I have the week off, would you?

A week off would be nice, but what would be nicer is a week off with someone to spend a week off with. I don’t have that.

Sorry but I was crabby when I talked to Bill about having the day off.

I am amazed sometimes at how I can change my mind. This afternoon I was all set to head into the city, just to wander around. I was all set, had the Lennon bio in my bag, some water, my bus pass and the latest New Yorker and my camera.

As I walked up towards Washington Street I realized that there really isn’t any good reason to head into the city, especially since I’m planning on going into the office tomorrow and anything that I wanted to do today, could be done tomorrow.

So I walked down Washington Street, talked to my sister on the phone, letting her know that her brownies and cookies arrived finally.

There’s also a gingerbread man in one of the containers. The gingerbread man looks horrified, as if he knows how it will end for him. As soon as you open the container, there he is under the wax paper with a look of anguish.

I walked over to Barnes and Nobel and farted around in there, bought a new calendar and walked home listening to the Kinks.

I really hope next year will be an improvement but I also think that it’s going to be tougher than it’s been this past year. Prices gone up, products shrinking and now I have a few friends out of work.

It seems inevitable that I will join their ranks but according to Vivek that won’t be until March 2010, and that will be here before you or I know it. Anything is possible of course. Gotta save some money this year while I still can!

I think everyone should take a nap at some point in the day. We can call it, ‘Siesta!’