It’s been an up and down kind of 24 hours. Like I may have written earlier in the past week, when I am on my own I find myself in despair. And once again it happened last night, a little after midnight. Just crunching some numbers and found myself a bit upset.

I chatted with an online friend who like my other friends and family was extremely supportive. I also sent out a few applications for work, a little closer to home. Still I went to bed with a heavy heart.

I thought about doing something dishonest and then decided not to, which was good. The dishonest thing would have the potential to bite me on the ass. The reward for being honest was the fact that I wouldn’t be looking over my shoulder all the time.

Bill was asleep while I was going crazy and I soon joined him in our air conditioned bedroom. Surprisingly I slept well.

I woke up and still had the blues and while I showered Bill came in to use the loo. When I came out we talked. I explained the way I was feeling, the fear that I have. I am making less money than before, and that stressed me out.

It’s more money than unemployment but once again I find myself gazing longingly at the past, thinking that at such and such a job, I was making this much. Bill, my rock, reminded me that I will be making a commission which if I play the game right, will help make up for the lower pay.

It’s all about the hustle.

Why is it that other people believe in me a lot more than I believe in me? I am so fucking lucky to have family and friends who are there for me. Some people don’t have that.

Bill sat there and listened as I talked, as I cried. I would love to have a Monday through Friday job, a 9 to 5 job which is what I’ve had for the past 20 years but it’s not that world anymore. And I have to wrap myself around that fact.

I also have to stop looking backwards. My life is not the same as it once was. I won’t be able to take a week off when my sister is in town like I have all the previous years when she came to visit, and now that I can’t I get upset thinking about it.

I was lucky to be able to get 3 days off at least. And that first day Bill arranged for me to take photographs of his band when they rehearse. And also it’s the day before the party so there will be all that running around. It will be catered, pasta and salad. Cash bar.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Bill was great, so understanding, so supportive. A great big hug and his reassurance that he’s here for me. He asked if I wanted to go out for breakfast and I said we could get some bagels and come home but he wouldn’t hear of it. I also expressed that I was upset that our neighbors Mike & Nicole had to move away. I know they had to do it, it’s all for the best, but there’s been so much change in my life this week.

I couldn’t even buy the paper this morning as a way to avoid the bad news that keeps coming through.

So we walked over to Stacks Pancake House and had a very nice breakfast. It was good timing since when we were leaving there was quite a line for breakfast. After that we walked to the supermarket where I bought food for lunch at work.

Got to save money and bring my own lunch in, but more importantly, I have to bring the lunch with me when I head off to work and not leave it behind.

Tonight I am off to the Theater for the New City to see Bill in a play. He plays a child molester. Very creepy and I’m glad he’s not a method actor. I wanted to talk to him about what has been going on in my head after the play, but he wouldn’t hear of it.

I don’t know if I could have lasted that long anyhow. Once I talk about what is going on in my head, it starts the process. I suppose it’s true, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Like I said it’s been a rough 24 hours but I have to take things day by day, if not hour by hour, minute by minute.

And I am so grateful that Bill is there for me. I love him so very much.
A halfhearted smile, but a smile nonetheless.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with the retail world, and working for a commission, I would really like to hear about it.