Archive for the ‘WTF’ Category

I Don’t Do Gentle

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

Oh yes, it was the day from hell. And it started out in the hellish manner before I even left Hoboken. I wait for the bus and nine times out of ten I am the one who flags down the bus. Most of the other people at my bus stop are way too involved with their iPhones and their smartphones.

You would think the bus driver (who I like and just got back from his vacation) would pull up to the person who flagged the bus, but no. He stops the bus wherever there is a young woman standing. It annoyed me enough that I just let everyone else get on the bus before me, including people who don’t know how much the commute is or lack the exact change necessary.

And of course once those people, about ten of them, got on the bus all of the good seats were taken leaving me to sit on top of the wheel well. It was the first of many things that happened. Bill was off today so that he could work the load in for the show that opens later this week. That meant no calling Bill for support or just to hear his voice, letting me know that he is there for me.

I soldiered on, not looking forward to working alongside the Possum. Sure enough there was the Possum on the phone when I walked into the cigar shack. Another scheduling debacle. Calvin was in the office which is where he spends most of his time lately. Jerry Vale was due in later in the day.

It was another slow day, not much business. Calvin mentioned that the sales for last month were lower than the previous year and the way things have been lately, October does not bode well either.

A customer came in today, I recognized him from being in the cigar shack on Sunday. He was returning the $395.00 lighter he bought on Sunday, he wanted a torch lighter after all, and the one he bought was a soft flame. I remember Thomas selling it to this guy.

The possum stepped up and offered to take care of the return and I thanked him and set about helping another customer. When an item is returned, the return falls to the sales associate, in this case it would be Thomas. The Possum made the return mine and on the tally for a good part of the day, I had about 20 sales, but only $9.69 in my column thanks to the refund which should have gone to Thomas. By the time I found out, it was too late to do anything about it.

Another customer came in with a return as well, and I recognized it as my sale. It was a key chain that a forgetful daughter bought for her father’s birthday at the last minute. The mother came in as a favor for her daughter, all the way from Rockland County.

I was going through the motions of the return and asked if the mother had the credit card. She said no, that I should credit her account since she pays the daughter’s credit card bills all the time. I told her we couldn’t do that. So she frantically tried calling her daughter, texting her daughter, all the while nervous about the time left on her parking meter.

She also did not believe me that we can get cellphone signals in the cigar shack. She went outside and came back in, telling me that her daughter just texted her about something unrelated so she was going to text the daughter to call back ASPCA. You read that right. I finished the return and immediately wrote that one down.

The day plodded forward, the Possum stealing a customer from me, I in turn stole a customer from him. I did not ask how he liked them apples, but did hope he would choke on one.






I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside

Tuesday, September 20th, 2011

Oh just got back from the cigar shack today and once again it was a bear of a day. It started out in a blasé way, grey skies, falling rain. Not much inspiration to get out of bed. Bill headed off later than usual, only about 45 minutes before I got out of bed. Shower, cereal, coffee and whatever.

And soon I was out on the street walking to the bus stop, talking to Bill on the phone. I love our routines. No Deborah on the bus, just the friendly bus driver and quite a few unfamiliar faces. Broke away from the herd in the bus terminal, going my own way.

Despite just missing an express train I was still early enough for work. Iced coffee, a trip to the bank and another phone call to Bill. Then I found myself in the cigar shack. Calvin was sequestered in the office trying to manage a budget for the next quarter.

This is probably the reason why he turned down the managerial position way back when. He was off yesterday trying to make sense of the budget, during which- a slurry phone call was had in the afternoon. He told me he did not want to be disturbed and I did my best to avoid him at any cost and I was mostly successful.

Of course there are customers who claim to be Calvin’s best friend who popped their heads in and distracted Calvin from his job at hand. There were three of us on staff today besides Calvin. Bradley and Jerry Vale were in as well and Bradley kept grabbing the lion’s share of sales, even Jerry Vale had passed me by.

I was too busy doing menial tasks so I didn’t really care. These things had to be done. When they were done, Calvin emerged from the office and felt that I was loafing about and suggested that I send out some emails to my clients and try to drum up business. Apparently we’ve gone in the past seven days from doing so much better than the year before, to hardly anyone coming into the cigar shack. Since the last year/this year announcement was made, things had definitely fallen by the wayside.

And I did not really need to know the gauge of Calvin’s Prince Albert. Bradley split at his appointed time leaving Jerry Vale and myself with Calvin crunching numbers in the office. Since I was off the floor I was way behind, but it could be explained away.

As I was outside cleaning the window some Europeans came in and were looking around. I tried to help them as best as I could and to my delight we got along quite nicely despite the language problem, thanks to the overworked interpreter in the entourage.

They decided on a nice paperweight and a letter opener to go with it. I set about getting it all ready, and while trying to find the boxes for the items. I found the letter opener box but the paperweight box proved elusive. I didn’t want to but I had to ask Calvin if he had any idea. He didn’t, only saying it should be where I couldn’t find it.

So it was on my knees I went looking for a nonexistent box. A few minutes later Calvin emerged from the office and with an air of authority told me to ring up the item while he found the box. Only he didn’t find the box, he found a box similar to what I was looking for. A different paperweight would now be without a box.

I rang up the items as well as wrapping them and they thanked me before heading out the door. The sale put me in second place right behind Bradley.

Calvin mentioned that Thomas and I will spend tomorrow matching the items in the showcases to the empty boxes nearby. Calvin planned on leaving the cigar shack at 7:30, at 9:19 I left him in the office with a ‘see ya tomorrow’ and heading out the door to my life.




Have another drink drunko!

I Do #1

Tuesday, September 13th, 2011

Yesterday, being the magical day that it was, the bar was set quite high. Of course anything that followed would be bound to be a disappointment. Maybe it’s a Catholic thing from my past, ‘You’re having fun today, tomorrow you will be sorry’.

Just thinking about sitting with Bill, eating some really big burgers, walking around afterwards and smoking cigars, then going to see Priscilla Queen of the Desert certainly warms my heart a day later. Today was different. The magic of course had faded somewhat.

I had an interview scheduled for today, something a friend had set up for me. I mainly went on behalf of the friend for putting herself out there (Thanks Elizabeth). I was a bit anxious as I got myself ready. All I had to go on was a nice chat on the phone this past Sunday and that went especially well. Still I tried to not have any high hopes regarding what may happen.

I took a quarter of a tab of Xanax and as I approached the building I bought a banana from a fruit vendor on the street. Wanted to be in the best of all possible moods and it turned out I was. With the Xanax/Banana combination working through my system I took the elevator to a very high floor.

Lazyteat@gmail says that 1/4 tab of Xanax is being pumped full of drugs.

Apparently “I have found pumping the body full of drugs prior to an interview usually does not work out in the favor of the applicant” so it seems that Miss Greg has gone to interviews pumped full of drugs which did not work out well at all for Miss Thing. I suppose that is why she hasn’t responded to my email asking what it was that they do for a living. Perhaps they don’t work, perhaps she’s not living.

I was astounded by the view, and I could see the Statue of Liberty, and looking over Brooklyn I could even see the ocean in the distance, as well as my neighborhood in Hoboken. I found myself thinking that I would love to work in an office like this with such stunning vistas.

After a short wait, I met with the gentlemen who were friends with Elizabeth, and we walked into a conference room. They had my resume and we ran down the jobs listed. Why did I leave there? What happened here? What do you think of our firm? The last one threw me but I think I recovered and answered with a modicum of relative intelligence.

The interview ended sooner than I expected and was told they would tell me whether or not I got the job. I felt a bit deflated and was soon on the street. Bill’s office was nearby and I gave him a call. He came down and I told him what happened, how I felt the question about the company was probably my Achilles Heel.

Bill was reassuring and suggested that I send an email, thanking them for the meeting. I told him I was already planning on doing that. Then Bill had the added idea of sending an actual Thank You card, a cherry on top as it were. I thought it was a good idea and bought a card in the bus terminal.

I walked home, feeling a bit disconsolate back in Hoboken. After all I did get a haircut and shaved my goatee for this interview, which wasn’t so bad since I did need a haircut and the goatee had a little too much grey in it.

I changed out of my suit and back into shorts and sneakers. I spoke with my brother Frank and that was good. He suggested taking a walk by the river and I explained that I had done that so often lately it is starting to mean nothing to me. Still I had filled out the Thank You card and decided to walk to the post office and drop it off.

I did take Frank’s advice and sat by the river, enjoyed a cigar and read about Zooey Deschanel in the latest New York magazine. After reading all about Zooey, I decided to head home. I made a playlist of the original songs covered in Priscilla Queen of the Desert and listened to that as I walked home. Then my phone rang.

I didn’t recognize the number but saw it was a 212 area code. I answered it and it turned out to be the guy I interviewed with. He was being truthful, telling me that I did not get the job. He explained to me why I didn’t get it, which is something I never heard before.

Basically, I was too good for the job and would have been bored in 15 minutes. I explained that I actually thrive in tedium, in fact I would love a boring job, and it’s where I do my best work. He laughed but once again said that I was basically overqualified.

Perhaps it was telling him about the jobs not on the resume, which would be the music business and People Magazine. Two jobs that people would think would be fabulous and glamorous, therefore rendering any office job to be extremely boring.

‘On the contrary’ I thought, but the gentleman’s mind was made up. He did mention that he was on an HR Council and a friend of his, also on the council might be looking for someone just like me, so he asked if it would be OK to forward my resume to the friend. I couldn’t really say no to that, now could I?

He ended the call telling me he was sorry that it didn’t work out, adding that he ‘wasn’t saying no, just saying not now’, and once again saying I was just too good for the job. I told him that I was disappointed, but I was smiling nonetheless.

So like I wrote earlier, after such a magical day yesterday, lunch with dear friends, dinner and a show with Bill, my spouse (more than a mere roommate), basically anything that followed was bound to be a disappointment, and yes I was quite disappointed today.

At the very least I have some great memories and a whole lot of good friends and family who sincerely love me, as I love them. I am a lucky guy, for some people don’t have that.







The Cake photo sent by Pedro

Happy birthday....make a wish and blow...... lmfao..... yadigg ?????

I Cigni Di Balaka

Wednesday, August 24th, 2011

I just got back from seeing Bill at Le Poisson Rouge in ‘Destinations’ once again. It was enjoyable once more. I decided to sit further back from the stage so I can take a few photographs and not interfere with anyone’s sightlines. I wasn’t supposed to and Bill didn’t know anything about it.

I know the staff at Le Poisson Rouge didn’t care since they asked me while I was taking photographs if I wanted something to drink. It was an entertaining show and it was a lot tighter than it was when I saw it initially. Of course I saw it on opening night, or rather opening afternoon.

I took several hundred photos, so many that my camera was getting hot. And seeing it a second time, it felt a lot faster. I could easily see it becoming an off Broadway show and perhaps with some fine tuning it could even be a Broadway show, though if a show like Passing Strange which did boffo box office off Broadway and faded too quickly on Broadway, maybe the chances for an original rock and roll show on Broadway isn’t the way to go. Hedwig & the Angry Inch did very well off Broadway too, though I never saw it there.

We had a nice dinner at a restaurant around the corner, Rocco’s. Bill and the cast ate there last night and Bill liked it so much that of course he wanted to take me tonight. Then a walk around part of the West Village. I hung outside of McDonalds while Bill ran in and used the bathroom. It was a long wait and of course Bill had to buy something, so he bought a hamburger to give to a homeless person.

Then another long wait on Eighth Street where Bill got his hat cleaned. I waited for a while then told Bill I was going to Barnes & Noble across the street. I browsed for a while and was followed by the security guard while I scoped out them music books slim selection. I was hoping to get back to Hoboken before the sun went down and at 8:00 I knew it would be dark when we returned to New Jersey. That was alright, just a slight crimp in my plans.

Bill didn’t know that cleaning his hat would take so long. We walked through Hoboken, bars getting crowded, outdoor seating at the restaurants were pretty much full. Good business in Hoboken. We came home, and once inside I set about uploading a ton of photos, over 400 that I took at Destinations. Then I posted them to Facebook which took a while.

Bill and I were just settling in when I got a message on Facebook from Bill’s cousin. She tried to get in touch with Bill on his phone but it was dead and getting charged up in another room. Bill’s mother was rushed by ambulance to the hospital after getting very sick. I told Bill the news and he went into full panic mode and headed out the door to the Path train, back into the city.

I offered to go with him, but he told me I should stay home in case he needs something. So here I sit, phone nearby. Other than the last hour, it’s been a really good day. Perhaps it still is, maybe Bill’s mom will be diagnosed with something that isn’t too bad. All we have is hope.






Gangs of New York











The one that calls itself Shack Master commented again on the previous post. This time he said that if he was a monkey from Kiev, he would take into consideration my poor attitude and lack of ambition and wouldn’t think he could trust me to check ID’s.

Wow, Miss Shack Thing has really gotten bitchy!

I Cheat the Hangman

Monday, August 22nd, 2011

Forgive the language, but today has been a mother fucker. Such a dumb ass day. It started at 6:00 this morning, with Bill kissing me goodbye and making sure I was getting out of bed. I had to get up early since Calvin had scheduled a re-certification class for tobacconists in NYC.

Now last year in June 2010 I had to go to Inwood on Long Island and sit in a room with gas station attendants and learn how to check identification cards. Today was scheduled for the same thing. I got there early enough, on time actually and saw Calvin as well as Ralph the tobacconist certification guy.

Ralph mentioned that it had been three years since the test was taken. I spoke up and said that I had done it last year and Ralph said then there was no need for me to be there. I looked at Calvin, and the supreme dumbass said ‘Well you’re here already anyhow, ha ha ha…’ Oh right then and there I wanted to throttle him.

I had to get up early for something that I didn’t have to. Stupid ass apparently forgot about my test last June. In fact he forgot about it last June, calling me up while I was online at Penn Station wondering where I was, how come I wasn’t at work. I reminded him then that I was headed out to take the test that he and Marcus had set up.

Luckily Thomas was there to diffuse my tension and after 90 minutes of a power point presentation as well as a test where most of the answers were letter ‘D’, both Thomas and I were on the street off to get our shoes shined. Thomas had the day off and they insisted he come in to take this stupid test.

Bradley was supposed to be there but he spaced and that was just alright with dumbass Calvin. Oh I’ve been carrying around this bitterness all day, on my sister’s birthday as well as Jerode’s birthday, a nice guy and nearby shop assistant. To offset the bitterness I am playing the Clash’s first album.

Yesterday was Joe Strummer’s birthday and I played Sandinista and Joe Strummer and the Mescalero’s Global A Go Go. Calvin left about an hour ago and Bradley left 30 minutes ago. Yesterday was cool with Thomas and Jerry Vale, today it was Dumb and Dumber. I didn’t care about the sales, I didn’t care about much of anything really.

My day was shot at 8:00 this morning and it was all downhill from there. Things being what they are, surprisingly I did alright on the sales front, maybe it was because I did not give a damn. Of course it was the luck of the draw, or in my case, whomever answred the phone. In this case I answered the phone. Someone from Beverly Hills wanted to buy a humidor and two boxes of cigars to send to New Orleans.

It was done over the phone and I have to admit, initially I did not think the sale would go through. But it did after a few games of phone tag.

Now I am home, and quite happy to be here. I don’t think I will have trouble sleeping tonight, having been up since 6:00AM. Sleep should be no problem, but having written that… Rest in Peace Jerry Leiber and Nick Ashford. Anyway, happy birthday to my sister Annemarie, the richest gal in Northern California!

Hard to believe it was only seven years ago Bill and I flew out to San Francisco to wish her a happy birthday on her fiftieth! Oops, maybe I shouldn’t have written that!




I Can’t Tell You Why

Thursday, August 11th, 2011

New day, new document. It’s amazing how a good night’s sleep can decide the kind of day you will have. Since I slept soundly last night, the day has been going on an alright level. No dark moments of despair while waiting for the bus. No looking for reapers happy or grim or whatnot.

Weather wise I think the day can be described as splendid. An enjoyable lunch hour spent on a bench near the park, reading a book about 1970 by David Browne, in which I found a few errors. It was a decent summer read but ultimately as boring as it sounds.

It was about The Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel breaking up, the disarray that Crosby Stills Nash & Young found themselves in along with a lot of cocaine and the rise of James Taylor who was doing a lot of heroin.

I met and worked with James Taylor in the the 1990’s and he was clean and took it upon himself to lecturing me about my then Gauloises habit. Apparently he had a French tobacco monkey on his back as well at some point.

It was back to the cigar shack for me today and it wasn’t bad at all. It was Calvin & Thomas and me, a good team. Things worked effortlessly. Thomas is the great white shark of course and Calvin plays the role of Black Friday admirably. Me, I’m like Gilligan I suppose. Things happen somewhat awkwardly and a few laughs are had. As long as nobody gets hurt it is alright I suppose.

45 minutes left in the shack and I am ahead in sales which puts me in a good mood. Bradley stopped by the cigar shack, his wall hitting hand no worse for wear. Jerry Vale also made an appearance picking up something that he had delivered to the cigar shack.

I am happy to report that as of now, all systems are go for Monday. Bill, my niece Corinne and I are headed to the beach. Plans are to leave early enough, like maybe on the road at 11:00 in the morning. Bill even texted me telling me that he’s looking forward to some relaxation on the beach.

I myself am looking forward to Bill being relaxed and just spending as much time as possible looking at the horizon. And I am pretty sure that Corinne is feeling the same way. Can’t bring Brady the dog with us though. No dogs allowed where we’re going until after Labor Day.

Two more days after today before I get two days off. A goal to reach and attainable. I just made Thomas blanch with my use of an MLK comment that Juan used on me a number of years ago. 34 minutes to go and I’m felling alright. Bananas help.

I watched Stardust Memories again last night. I saw that on it’s opening weekend at the Century Theater in Paramus. A full house on a Saturday night and I was the only one laughing. That sums up my life in Bergen County. Good to watch again and interesting to see how many jokes have made it into my day to day life.

And the establishment that I wrote about previously, where I interviewed in June with the woman with a European accent, well it was the Hoboken Library. They turned me down. I knew it was a 50/50 chance and I also knew that one needed to have an ‘in’ to actually land the job.

I got a poorly written letter from Pina Lodles, the library director. Now as much as I like the Hoboken Library, I was actually hoping to work there and make it something that is not so badly run. The audio visual room is atrocious. Not that I was gunning for Pina Lodles job, but as a director Pina Lodles has surely dropped the ball.

And this bullshit of sending out letters, a waste of money and paper. If you’re going to notify people they did not get the job, then email or a phone call would be more economical. I suppose that isn’t the library director’s concern, then again, neither is writing a letter that is grammatically correct. It’s a shoddy, poorly run operation.

It’s just as well. I suppose that BCCLS doesn’t need a literate person in their employ.

Their loss!