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I Lie Around

Saturday, May 19th, 2012

It’s been another day. Today was a Saturday and as far as I know it still is, though for some of you it is already tomorrow. Glad I did not have to wake up early for another round of Pakistani charades like yesterday. Who knew Bradley was so versant in Urdu?

Bill was up before I was and actually started to converse with me as I lay sleeping. I pleaded (read: snapped) at him to please let me continue sleeping. He should have known better, but still what he said was encouraging. He keeps saying he has my back and I certainly believe him. He knows what has been going on and has been able to make light of the situation.

I caught the bus as usual, rode into Manhattan. Near the bus terminal was the usual weekend flea markets and the avenue was filled with people headed to a food festival. I avoided that so I would not be late for work. My co-workers were Jerry Vale, Bradley and Zack. Jerry Vale was his usual effervescent self, Bradley just grunted and Zack to my surprise waxed effusive.

I set about doing the things I do, making sure items were in stock so the store would run smoothly. There were lots of fingerprints on the glass, doors and windows so I took care of that. Some of my favorite customers came in, some specifically looking for me and it was good to see them.

It was a busy day over all. I had three Asian women to deal with and as I finished their transaction I asked if they were Japanese and they said no, they were Korean and pretty. ‘You certainly couldn’t say that if we were Japanese!’ I nodded and then kept my mouth shut after thanking them as they headed to the door.

Lunchtime came soon enough and I decided to check it out. It was in Hell’s Kitchen which used to be dodgy, but now it’s like Chelsea now, meaning pretty gay. And things being what they are I of course ran into a former hook up, Ruben. He lived nearby as I remembered and wondered if it was a Freudian thing that got me there.

There must be something in the air, perhaps its spring fever since it finally does feel like spring, but I allowed myself to be seduced and went back to Ruben’s studio apartment. It was just as I remembered our previous encounters, lots of laughs, quite a bit of moaning and throbbing and I have to admit it is quite sexy when Ruben talks in Spanish during intercourse.

It’s like a Gomez/Morticia thing, with Gomez going bananas whenever Morticia would speak French. A few pile drives later and a quick jump in Ruben’s tiny shower and I was back on the street headed back to the cigar shack. Luckily I stretched beforehand so there were no Charlie horses to contend with though my shoulders did ache a bit from Ruben’s legs resting on them.

It was great to see Ruben once again and we exchanged numbers. His schedule is quite erratic, more than mine- and said anytime I wanted to stop by on my lunch hour- he was up for it both literally and figuratively as am I, even right now. A Five Hour Energy drink was purchased on my way back to the cigar shack so I would not have any flagging spirits throughout the rest of the day.

A few hours later and Bradley split first, then Zack with Jerry Vale and I manning the fort. It was a bit busy oddly enough before closing and I thought about paying Ruben a house call on the way home, but decided against it since I am working with Zack and Jerry Vale tomorrow. I did text Ruben and we might have a lunch date tomorrow, so that’s something to look forward to for sure.

Ruben Ruben Ruben (old modeling pic)

04 From a Buick 6

Tags:Bill, Ruben, Sexy
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I Left My Heart In San Francisco

Friday, May 18th, 2012

Well it certainly was not easy getting up this morning at 6:00AM to attend Bradley’s swinging training session but I got myself together and was on my way at the appointed time. Lot’s of buses to choose from and I chose the right one. Pretty colors and flashing lights and all that, that’s what got my attention.

I received word the the Red Herring was in town, code name Albert Ross. He wanted to meet up for a quickie and I explained that though I was more than willing I had this meeting to attend. I chatted with Bill and didn’t bring it up since we have a DADT thing. It’s a lot like what GZA said. Who knew the former genital massager would still have my back even when his legs used to rest upon my shoulders.

I was the last to arrive at the gilded cigar shack. There was Bradley in his Klerk Kunt mode, Thomas and Jerry Vale all standing in the front of the store. Much to my surprise, Zack wasn’t around. Bradley ran down a list of things he wanted from us, how disappointed in our performances despite hours and hours of rehearsal, we just can’t get that one…two… down pat.

Thomas blamed Jerry Vale and Jerry Vale blamed me and we all blamed Bradley who turned beet red, like the day the it was announced Zack was going to be the manager and not him. It was truly a sight behold. Also the score that Zack provided us left a lot to be desired, things like a beat, even notes. He can swing a harmonica though.

Zack eventually wafted in on his gossamer wings looking like a faerie prince. He alit on a chair and fired up a cigar like a Lewis Carroll character. We watched Zack blow smoke rings, and after trying to stay awake during that we walked into the humidor for an impromptu game of charades.

Thomas scored big with The Effect of Gamma Rays on the Man in the Moon Marigolds which I suspected was the answer but dared not say aloud. Bradley and his interpretation of a Night to Remember was totally forgettable so that’s just what we did. We had the option after the meeting to stay or leave and come back at our assigned start time and that’s what I opted for.

I rendezvoused with Albert Ross at his hotel and really enjoyed a hot 60 minute session with Albert. I forgot what a totally hot lover he is and it brought back memories of screwing around with him for the past 30 years. I had enough time between the cigar shack and the hotel room to pick up some magnums and lube.

And the misbegotten cigar shack was miles away from my mind as we kissed, licked and explored every part of our bodies. Cocks and whatnot spewing forth. Albert was quite happy with the cigar I brought and it was nice having a quick nap in his arms when we were through and the shared shower was helpful as I soon headed back to the cigar shack with charlie horses in both legs.

I must introduce Albert to Bill sometime, even though Bill is not into men of color, no matter if they once played for the NBA. I mean, I knew Albert before the NBA and our intermittent hook ups were so enjoyable for him especially since I had no interest in whatever it was that he did, or does. It was always about hot man on man sex.

He did ask me to travel with him back in the day, asked me in a Swiftian way, but I have to admit it was merely a modest proposal. Albert is not gay, he just likes to bottom for me.

05 Always Crashing InThe Same Car

“Much more witty than the Columbus Circle blog aka cigar shack. Who knew Herkuleast still had my back?? I guess the GZA was right.”

Tags:Albert Ross, Charades!
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I Know You Rider

Friday, May 11th, 2012

So this is day five and this is the wall that accompanies day five. It has been a long day. Started with Bill over sleeping and kissing me goodbye. I asked if he made coffee and he hadn’t since he was running late. Neither of us has been sleeping well so getting up in the morning has been quite a struggle, a pain in the tuchis.

He was out and I was up about a half hour later, shuffle into the shower after making coffee and pouring a bowl of cereal. A conference call at 8AM was scheduled with the big wigs from who knows where. It really did not have anything to do with me but still my telephone attendance was mandatory. Bradley and Zack were at the cigar shack and their presence was felt online.

My presence was not felt so much and at 8:12 I had a text from Zack asking if I was in on the call. I didn’t find the text until 9:30 when the conference call ended and I texted Nimrod back to let him know that I was and couldn’t text and phone at the same time, so take that Mr. Blackberry.

I flitted about the apartment while the drone droned on. I had speaker phone so I wasn’t missing anything really. I got dressed, did my morning business and drank cup after cup of coffee in an effort to stay awake. And I did stay awake through the conference call.

After that, a stop at the bibliotheque where I dropped off some items and picked u-p other items. A walk to the bus stop, ready to head to the Path train should my lately non existent bus did not show again. But it did and it was Chief at the wheel. Long time no see and not much chat between the two of us.

I made it to work and there was Jerry Vale with Zack and the great possum. Braley reaped the benefit of Zack’s largesse today, Jerry Vale and I left to fend for ourselves. And we did an admirable job of fending for ourselves, especially when Zack and Bradley went off for a ‘nooner’. Interpret anyway you’d like.

AT some point in a few weeks, Thomas and Jerry Vale and Bradley and I will have to be in the cigar shack to give a review on Zack and his managerial style or lack thereof. I came up with a line yesterday which some people thought was hilarious. ‘He aspires to be half assed, but as of now he’s merely quarter assed.’

I’ve discussed it with the non marsupials I work with and we’re all a bit cautious and they are advising caution on my part, since I have a way with words and despite being told our reviews would be confidential, people would know it was me who said whatever so I had best be careful. I don’t care right now, and as Bill said, what I say will probably depend on how I get along with Nimrod the day before. I could say he’s great when he’s sober…but how often is that?

09 My Baby

Tags:Bill, If you can read this
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I Heard It Through The Grapevine Gladys Knight and The Pips

Friday, March 16th, 2012

Oh what a long strange day it’s been. It started out earlier than usual, with Bill kissing me goodbye in the morning around 6:30. He’s so sweet and gentle and I am just a wolf in bed. An hour later I got out of bed and got myself together. Not enough milk for cereal so it was just coffee and I was out the door.

I do not like the crowds at all and when it is so early in the morning I like them even less. One good thing is the fact that there are a lot more buses and the bus lane is open so I was at the bus terminal in no time at all. It did give me enough time to get an egg sandwich which was not as good as it is on weekends.

Each time I go in there they seem to be trying out a new short order cook. I can’t complain though since the egg sandwich was 25 cents cheaper than it usually is.

I got to the cigar shack which was dark and that meant that Zack wasn’t in yet. I started work almost immediately on getting the cigars back on the shelves now that the painters are done with their work. They did a good job though. Zack did make it in and the two of us were able to get most of the cigars back on the shelves, leaving the rest for myself, Thomas and Bradley to restock the shelves.

And Thomas and Bradley did come in, leaving Bradley to tell me that he wanted Thomas and me to do the rest of the work. We got it done, thanks to some regular customers. I had to run an errand at lunch time which coincided with an errand that needed to be done for the cigar shack.

Some keys needed to be made, and there seemed to be only one locksmith in Manhattan who would be able to do the job. Very special keys that are made in Germany. So I was able to do that, get my own errand done and I came back from lunch about 20 minutes later than usual, but it was excusable since it was cigar shack business.

I came back from lunch, Thomas was then headed to his lunch while Zack and Bradley were sequestered in the office having a very long meeting. The meeting it turned out was about a whole new bunch of rules which was sent out a short time before I was leaving and I was too busy giving Jerry Vale my sales since I achieved my own personal goal.

And I will not read the rules until Monday since I am off both Saturday and Sunday. No I do not do work related things on my time. You’re gonna have to pay me to do such things.

I asked Zack if I could leave at 7:00 instead of 7:30 and when he asked why, all I could say was my body clock is screwed up. It wasn’t good enough of an excuse so I stayed for a very long half hour, giving more sales to Jerry Vale. And right before I left there was Thomas getting a very serious call which made the atmosphere even more bleak than it was earlier.

He needs me to switch a day in April so he could attend some family thing. The catch was I would have to work a five day shift which is killer and no one wants to work a five day shift. I’m sure if I was able to sit in an office most of the day it would be no problem, but I am on my feet for 9 hours a day, so that would make it 45 hours of standing around selling cigars and whatnot.

Still, it is over, I am home and surprised I was able to write this much. Time to chill. Bill is driving to Atlantic City tonight and tomorrow, but at least I will be able to see him tomorrow morning at my leisure and not so wolf like.

01 Feeling Good

Tags:Bill, Jesse
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I Could Be Happy (Again)

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

The oh so unhappy syphilitic life of Phillip Andorr began when he was raised in a box next to a garbage can of medical waste. His smother was next to a lamppost and may have been impregnated when an overzealous dog chased a rabbit which turned out to be his father who was the understudy in a Fenway production of Harvey.

Phillip was a Red Sox fan and only by the decree of the most holy roamin’ apostolic church of idiocy was he spared the child and spoiled a rod. Phillip was an unhappy lad, not liked by anyone at all which made for an extremely bitter life overall.

No sweetness for Phillip Andorr, all sour and scorn for him. A truly nasty beast which haunted most of Long Island. It couldn’t have been easy but then again, being a Red Sox fan more than likely helped with his disconsolate lifestyle.

A teenager with sticky fingers Phillip found himself banned from both strip malls and strip clubs. His misogynistic tendencies did not help in either location and when he figured out what it was that was causing his routine absence of sense it only amped up his disquiet.

Phillip barked like a mad dog at passing cars whenever possible and it was then and there that he found redemption or at least what passed for redemption but Phillip actually figured out what it was that was bothering him. It was himself.

He looked into the reflection of a hub cap when he was laying in the gutter and wondered why life had dealt him such a lousy hand. That was my attempt at getting back at a true wanker who was a horrible customer that I had to deal with. Drivel and nonsense and fun to write.

I know I know, you’re thinking ‘John Ozed, is this one of your lousy attitude flip outs?’ And it isn’t, though of course you have every right to think so. You have every right to think about whatever it is you might want to think about. But for this I have back up.

Bradley witnessed the whole event and would back me if asked. And it was caught entirely on camera, which by the way added a lot more than 10 pounds to Phillip Andorr’s expanding frame. As I walked Phillip Andorr into the room he felt like I was watching him to make sure he wasn’t shoplifting. Now the only person who might think that would be a shoplifter, but still I gave him a doubtful benefit.

I tried to explain why I was there but Phillip Andorr was adamant that I was being too vigilant with regards to the criminal escapades in his dark and dank mind. Bradley heard this and offered to help but realized that there was no helping this loose loser. He flamboyantly showed Bradley and myself what he got and Bradley thought it best to let him wait a few seconds so he can cool off.

I took Bradley’s advice and there was Phillip Andorr so upset, as if an Ulster man ran over his turtle. I did my best to get this cancer out of the store as soon as possible and Phillip Andorr helped by calling me ‘Sweetie’ and I am sure he didn’t mean it as a term of endearment since discharge like Phillip Andorr wouldn’t know a term of endearment if it bit him in the face (and it certainly looked like that happened). But Phillip Andorr is out of my life and hopefully it will have nothing to do with your life.

That’s the way it goes I suppose. I should have been a proctologist, what with all the assholes that have been crossing my path the past months. With Lazy Teat Greg still reading this blog every day, followed by Miss Shack Thing and now in the flesh and blood, Phillip Andorr.

Can it get any better? Can they get any more bitter? Probably.

Tags:Phillip Andorr
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I Can’t Quit You Baby

Thursday, August 4th, 2011

Wow. It’s Thursday. It’s interesting for me at the cigar shack. There are days when I feel I have a grip on things and I think things will be alright, then I go in the next day and all that is forgotten and tossed in the rubbish pile. Today is one of those days.

Yesterday was good, me and Calvin and joined by Jerry Vale, then today with Bradley & Thomas. Thomas is great, Bradley has the amazing propensity to be a pain in the tuchis.

Just had an interesting chat with Jimmy Seltzer who basically schools me on matters economic. He says things are going to get worse than they are now. I can see it, I can feel it. I used to look at Don and Raymond and wonder how they could work in the cigar shack for two years, and now I find myself in the same position.

No, it hasn’t been two years but I am over one year. That is simply the situation I find myself in. The mantra continues ‘at least you have a job’. Some people don’t. Some people are still looking. Danny the K and Greg Stevens have not responded to my email. It’s disappointing but what can you do?

More disappointing is the twenty something young man who was so fucking self absorbed, he wouldn’t move half an inch so someone could sit next to him on the bus. He was so fucking engrossed in whatever stupid game he was playing on his cellphone. A regular C U Next Tuesday type.

I was the unlucky guy to try to sit in the seat next to him. Oh how I wanted to punch him in the skull, but instead decided on saying ‘wanker’ when he got off the bus at 14th and Washington. He probably didn’t hear me and if he did he didn’t know I was talking about him, or more than likely did not know what a wanker was. Go ahead, look it up, I’ve got time.

It could have been a better day, but it wasn’t. Calvin was out of the cigar shack most of the day, attending a meeting across town. When he did eventually came back he was all doom and gloom which did not help matters in the cigar shack with Thomas and myself. Bradley usually plays the role of being aloof so how he felt was relatively unknown.

On August 22, the staff has to meet at 8AM across town to renew our tobacconist licenses. I don’t have a tobacconist license and frankly I wasn’t looking to get one. Perhaps I should. It doesn’t look like I am going anywhere else really.

A friend of former co-worker Raymond stopped by, Frank. Nice guy, he’s been out of work for nearly three years, and he has a wife and kid to support. He was looking to buy a gift for someone and after looking at a few items, said he would come back another time.

Before that I had to look at pages of what might be ordered for the store, such expensive items, no one I know would want or buy these things, but I guess a $14,000 humidor is just right for some. It really is a tale of two cities.

Bill just came home from rehearsal. He was feeling ill most of the day, took off from work and slept a lot. I checked in, in the morning and told him I would call again at lunch time. And I did just that, only I got his voice mail at the beginning and ending of my lunch hour.

So he’s alive and able to go to rehearsal, and leave me wondering if I would be coming home to a corpse in the bed. But he’s fine and I guess feeling a whole lot better.