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I Go to Rio

Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

Oh how I did not sleep well last night. I mean, I was pretty tired when I turned in at 1:00, and at 2:00 I followed my advice and got out of bed and surfed the net a bit. Then went back to the bed about 20 minutes after that, but still I could not fall asleep. I simply could not shut my brain off.

Too many thoughts coming in from all directions on all different subjects. Finally I guess around 3:00 I did fall asleep somewhat, but still it was not enough. I probably had that mad eye look when Bill was leaning over me, kissing me goodbye as he headed off to work. I tried to get some more sleep but the sun was coming in and I eventually had to get up and get out.

I had shown Bill how to make coffee the other day so I had a nice pot waiting for me, one less thing to do in the morning. Somehow I remained awake in the shower and cleaned myself up, washing whatever sleep there was from out of my eyes. A couple of cups of coffee and after checking email and whatnot I was on the way to the bus stop.

I was several feet behind myself though, and it was like that throughout the day. I felt stoned, like I had taken a massive hit off a joint and left to fend for myself among the natives and tourists of Manhattan. I’ve been saving some money by walking to the cigar shack instead of taking the train but it didn’t help much.

I mean money wise it did, but still I was groggy. And it was Bradley and Jerry Vale in the cigar shack today and of course that meant that Bradley was calling the shots much like the Frank Burns he used to be and sometimes still is. I was doing well in sales though and for most of the day I had a several hundred dollar lead.

Then I went to lunch and an order that both Jerry Vale and I worked on, well all the credit went to Bradley who was quite a fucking bitch about the whole thing. I explained the reason my initials and Jerry Vale’s initials were on the work slip, to which Bradley stated that he could not figure out what the initials JV were for.

I was pretty upset about the whole thing with regards to Bradley being a dick but things got better since I just surpassed him in sales and I didn’t have to steal credit for it. About 20 minutes left in the cigar shack for the day and of course it is taking it’s sweet ass time in getting here.

Cat Stevens is singing Father and Son and Jerry Vale just related a story about how he played the song for his son, who hated the line ‘you are young and it’s all your fault’. I just want to go to bed.

lucky penny?






2 – Downtown

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I Go Crazy Queen

Friday, January 6th, 2012

Last night I stayed up later than expected and this morning, I slept later than expected, more than likely from the melatonin I took before going to bed. I did not help me to fall asleep faster but it did make me sleep quite deeply, making waking up delayed.

Bill got up before me and I eventually followed maybe 15 minutes later. I slowly got myself together in anticipation of going to the supermarket but there was no need. Bill having been up a little longer than me was already dressed and heading to the store anyhow. I settled in in front of the computer with a cuppa and checked email and Facebook.

Bill came home laden with groceries and foodstuffs and after helping him unload I had myself a nice breakfast. For some reason I had actually thought I would be up and out before noon, but in reality it was closer to 1:00. I made it outdoors and stopped by the local music store to see if the newest copies of Mojo and Uncut were out but they weren’t. The store was certainly crowded though.

I walked to the Path train and got on, happy not to see the former friend that I wrote about in September, the guy with the drinking problem like I did last week. I did see Kathe Charas who is back in town for a few days. She was looking good but couldn’t chat too long since she was off to have lunch with Chaz and I had a train waiting on the platform.

I hopped on a train and soon I was getting off the train at Christopher Street. My former roommate William told me of a store on Hudson Street that sold the kind of holiday lights we used to use in Weehawken, the colored lights fade in and out type. I walked over to the store where William said they had them but they had a lot of different lights but not the kind I was looking for.

‘Oh well’ I sighed, saving some money I headed back onto the street and walked down Bleecker to Carmine to see if the Anti-Imperialist Bookstore had any calendars. They used to have lots of calendars but not this time. From there I walked up Sixth Avenue and as I walked I saw another friend from the past, Teo.

Teo used to live in the building next to mine with his parents when I was living in a basement apartment in the 1980’s. I last saw him when I considered moving in with him in Jersey City when 10 years of living with William was wearing me down, but seeing where and how Teo lived made me reconsider and cool my jets with regards to moving.

He eventually hit rock bottom from drug use and moved to Toronto where he did not know anyone and from what he said today, lived in the woods for some time. After going to rehab he was clean and looked good. He was a very good artist and still is. And today I saw him selling his paintings on the street along with other sellers of art and whatnot. He’s living in Inwood now and it was good to see him.

I did walk up to Barnes and Noble on Eighth Street and found 2 calendars, a John Lennon drawings calendar and for Bill a New York Yankees calendar. It was a nice day so I decided to just continue listening to the Modern Lovers on the iPod as I walked up to the bus terminal. Of course there was a line at the gate for the 126 bus but I didn’t really mind. It was a good day and I am glad I made it out.



smartphone in hand, fast asleep




03 Picture Book (mono)

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I Feel Home

Tuesday, December 6th, 2011

Well today was an interesting day. Last night was as well. The bus ride home with neighbor Deborah was filled with insight. She offered some wisdom that I imparted years ago to a dear friend of mine that I have written about before. Basically don’t pay attention to the angry, lonely crank. Instead, pay attention to those that are positive and support you.

There’s so much negativity in the world, who needs it from some unknown thing? It is almost word for word, what I told that dear friend back in the early days of the Internet. So many positive and supportive things were said, but all it took was one crank to be such a douche bag that my dear friend was upset despite my dear friend’s wife and I told him, to focus on the positive.

That is the angle I am working and so far so good. No pestilence in my life today. Today was started off with my dear love Bill kissing me goodbye and me sleepy eyed telling him I loved him so. Such a wonderful way to start the day. I soon got out of bed, did my thing.

The coffee, the cereal, the shower and then after checking some email, I felt tired. I still had an hour to get the bus so I decided to take a quick nap. Man did that do the trick. Reset my body clock it did. I should do that more often. I was refreshed and energized and ready to face the world.

Cobwebs blown away, I headed to the bus stop where I finished a cigar and waited for my second favorite bus driver. And he was on time as usual. The bus wasn’t too crowded and soon I found myself traipsing through the bus terminal, headed to the subway. That was where the wait was, on the platform.

No performers, the a capella group that usually does so well were absent as was the over emoting female singer who sings along to a CD, doing her best Whitney/Mariah imitations. I was a half hour early so I chatted with Bill for a few minutes before I headed in.

The day progressed nicely and sales were very good. Zack wound up babysitting for a group of jewelry makers who had reserved the man cave for an hour. They sat and drank and talked diamonds for a while. Then they left, Zack went home and another group of men came in, talking computers. It was all arranged by Zack and it fell to me to babysit this crew.

They were a nice bunch from upstate New York, a bit catty with each other and respectful to me. They stayed for an hour before they all departed to catch their MetroNorth trains home. I cleaned up the man cave while Thomas manned the front of the store. All in all it was a good time, I got to sit and smoke a cigar while watching the crew.

Thomas was understandably antsy since he is flying to the Virgin Islands tomorrow. At the stroke of 10:00 Thomas was out the door. I finished up, closed everything and headed to the subway. My beloved was in midtown and said that he would be taking the Path train home.

I told him if the train that gets me to the bus terminal shows up first, then that is the train I will take. If the other train that goes to the Path train shows up, then I will be on that one. I had hoped to ride home with my love but he was not on the train. Still I sat and read Uncut magazine.

The train took about the same amount of time as the bus would have so it really made no difference. It would have been nice to ride with my Bill again but he just boarded the Path train so he should be home soon enough. I hope you had a good day today, I know I did.






Butthole Surfers – 03 – American Women

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I Am the Law

Wednesday, May 11th, 2011

Well here I am again, standing behind the counter at the cigar shack. Thomas is pounding out a rhythm, totally flat and off beat, his titanium ring hitting the wood of the counter and making quite a noise. No charm in that.

It’s been a better day than yesterday, time is flying by- not like the other day when it really zoomed but faster than yesterday. I finally finished the Keith Richards autobiography and I enjoyed it very much.

He explained how he fell off the ladder in his library as well as falling out of a tree in Fiji. He says he did not snort his father’s ashes and I believe him. That story came after his brain surgery and the doctor told him, ‘No more bumps’ which means no more cocaine.

And the story went that Keef mixed up his father’s ashes with some blow. His relationship with Mick is like 2 brothers, bitchy and forever intertwined. I can relate to that somehow.

Now perhaps I can get back to the New Yorker where I am reading about Jane Fonda and I have not even cracked open Mojo or Uncut yet. I’ve been carrying it around in my bag since I bought it a few weeks ago.

Listening to Bob Dylan’s Love & Theft in the store right now. It could be my favorite Dylan album. Bob is going to be 70 in a few weeks. I saw him in the 1990’s but did not stay for the whole show.

At the time I was more interested in seeing Patti Smith who just came out of exile after Fred Smith passed away. Bob was nice enough to offer her the opening slot on the tour and she wisely took it.

I went with my Weehawken roommate William. It was odd being in the lobby of the Beacon Theater and seeing familiar faces of people that I had assumed that had died a while ago. The look of shock on my face was more than likely noticeable.

Patti Smith was enjoyable and since I was not so much into Dylan at the time, we left midway through his set. I didn’t get it and I think he was doing Alabama Getaway when William and I made a hasty exit. Not into the Grateful Dead at all you see.

Right now I am downloading the Roches self-titled debut album. I’ve always liked them and was fortunate to see them twice, once at Town Hall as the Roches and once at the Bottom Line as the Caroling Carolers.

When I worked at Farfetched I would play Keep on Doing, the Roches third album often and almost every time I would play it, someone would ask if they were hearing the Roches and when I would answer affirmatively they would almost always go on about how much they loved them.

I also have to confess that I had a crush on Margaret A. Roche for the longest time, nothing sexual just a sheer admiration since she wrote some of their most beautiful songs. I have their debut on vinyl somewhere but I felt I needed to have The Hammond Song on mp3 and on my iPod.

And of course the Roches tie into the Wainwright family thanks to Loudon’s wandering eye. I expect to be playing it at the cigar shack tomorrow. That should raise a few eyebrows. Hey, if you’re in the neighborhood, stop on by and say hello. Just don’t be a douche.

Now I am home and quite happy to be here. Bill is awake, first time in days that he’s been awake when I walked through the door. It’s nice to see him in a vertical position.

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I Fell in Love with a Dead Boy

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

Oh I slept well enough last night. The Xanax certainly helped. I was getting a bit anxious about going back to work again, one day off followed by seven straight days of work. The medication helped my mood getting up this morning.

Bill had kissed me goodbye an hour earlier as I slept, wishing me well and me mumbling for him to be careful. I wandered into the shower and glad I still had hot water. Some breakfast, coffee and checking of emails. No nibbles after pounding the pavement yesterday. Still I got over it, not much I could do.

I got the suit on, deciding to wear the same suit I wore yesterday while walking the streets. I rarely wear the same suit 2 days in a row, but I didn’t care. It’s not like anyone I work with saw me yesterday anyway. A walk to the bus stop, after getting 2 quick picks for the Mega Millions, feeling lucky I guess.

Spoke to Bill briefly before getting on the bus. He was his usually jubilant self, though of course when I call his boss always enters the picture. I sussed that it’s his way of saying he doesn’t want to talk on the phone anymore. Fine with me.

I rode into the city, walked through the bus terminal and headed into the subway, way ahead of the people I rode the bus with. Why they take the crowded route is beyond me and I do occasionally get strange stares from the people that were sitting behind me when they walk down the subway stairs and see me waiting for the bus.

I did see someone unexpected. It was a friend of Marcus, a guy who sounds like Principal Blackman from Strangers With Candy. The friend’s name is Walton and he’s an obnoxious friend of Marcus, as if Marcus would have any other type of friend.

He saw me standing there waiting for the train and asked ‘What, are you waiting for the train?’. I said yes, and seeing him with a cup of coffee, I asked, ‘What, are you drinking a cup of coffee?’ He said he was escorting his nephew back to Michigan. I remarked that I didn’t know the train went that far.

Just then another train pulled in, allowing me to make a hasty exit, saying goodbye and wishing his nephew best of luck. Got off the train, still in a good mood.

I knew I would be working with Calvin and I forgot I would be working with the new guy, Bradley. Calvin was in a good mood and Bradley was eager. I didn’t have the heart or feel it was my place to tell Bradley what a mistake he made taking this job. But he needs work and perhaps he’s better suited for this job than I am, since he’s spent 11 years working in a cigar shop somewhere else.

It was a fast day though, perhaps it was due to having fresh blood in the fish tank. Bradley did a good job and Calvin kept to himself a lot of the time.

I did point out to Bradley something that wasn’t pointed out to me until a month after I started, about having your name put on a sale on the computer so you get credit for it, and thereby earning that 1/3 of 1% commission.

The day ended, leaving me to close the store solo. While I worked I took my suit jacket off and missed a call. It was my cousin Joe who I finally reached out to, thanks to Annemarie’s prodding. Man, can she prod.

He gave me his email address and sounded like he was willing to help. I’m looking for something low level, and hopefully a Monday through Friday job. I just emailed hm a few minutes ago.

Made some jokes in the email about spam and my mother saying that I was dependable, polished and professional. I read it to Bill and he suggested taking those jokes out since it is an ‘official’ email. So I listened to Bill. For the first time in what seems like weeks, after I got Joe’s voice mail, I felt hope.

This was written with crossed fingers.

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I Almost Had A Weakness

Monday, September 27th, 2010

Here is a recap of sorts. Had off yesterday, Sunday. Had a dream before waking up, where I was in Lodi, in the house that I grew up in, or more likely in the backyard with the family dog, Bojo. Bojo was not really himself.

Looked like the beagle terrier mutt that he was but he was happy and without of of the neuroses that the actual Bojo had. He was pleasant to be around, like a dog you see on TV. That’s how I woke up.

Yesterday was the day off. Laundry done and not much else. Just farted around. I went out for a bit but it was drizzly and decided to come home after returning The Lovely Bones DVD to the bibliothèque. It was not the laugh riot that I expected.

Actually I was not expecting any laughs, I knew what was going to happen and I wasn’t much in the mood for child rape and murder. Call me old fashioned. I actually rented it since the score was by Brian Eno but most of the songs were songs that I already had.

From what I gathered, the last song in the movie was a piece from 1973 and updated for the movie, but I didn’t get that far and figured the movie would be on cable eventually. I watched Boardwalk Empire but feel I enjoy it more when Bill is watching it with me, and he wasn’t home.

He was home in time to watch Mad Men, but didn’t see the whole thing, going to bed midway through. I eventually joined him around 12:30 and tossed and turned for an hour. Couldn’t fall asleep.

Couldn’t help but think of other jobs that I had. When I go on interviews, no matter what I usually freeze at the end, when they ask me if I have any questions for them. ‘Do I look fat in this?’, turns out to be not such a good question.

Nor is asking if their gender reassignment was an easy process to go through. I did come up with some valid questions, such as, ‘How many people are in the firm?’ ‘How many people will I be supporting?’ And my favorite, ‘What’s for lunch?’

Bill was out again this morning earlier than I was. It was pouring rain outside, which made for good sleeping in weather. I bargained with myself and got 15 extra minutes. Got up listening to Ben E. King singing ‘Stand By Me’.

I took that to be a good sign as I walked to the shower after making some coffee and pouring out a bowl of cereal. When I walked back in the bedroom, the Fabs were singing All You Need is Love. Another good sign I hoped.

Soon I was out the door, happy that it wasn’t raining just then. Everything was wet. Onto the bus and out into the terminal, down the stairs and onto the subway platform where a guy was playing I Me Mine. Not your every day Beatles song you hear busking.

I gave him a buck and hopped onto the train. When I got off at my stop, it was pouring out. No place to hang around before heading in, so I went in. The usual characters, the usual paranoia.

And since it was raining I had to spend my time indoors, in the cigar shop, which wasn’t so bad after all. I had my nose buried in a book but was drawn into a conversation about the state of pop music today.

It was agreed that hip hop doesn’t have much of a shelf life.

yesterday's me

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