Monthly Archives: November 2011

I Feel A Change Comin’ On

I don’t know why but I just put on Christmas in Rockefeller Center, which is all about the lighting of the tree. I remember when I was growing up, it was a big deal but not that big a deal. It was usually allotted about a half hour that night and my mother used to laugh at the people in their offices behind the tree who would flick their office lights on and off when the tree was lit up.

Tonight they have everyone from Neil Diamond and Carole King to Justin Bieber and Michael Buble and Javier Colon. Back in the day they would have Peggy or Art Fleming skating in the rink, now it’s a two hour extravaganza. The Little Drummer Boy duet between Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes is heartwarming though.

Right now Al Roker and Savannah Guthrie are on introducing the acts. Calvin told me a few weeks ago that Al Roker is a dick, not the roly poly fun guy he plays on TV. He might have heard that from someone who had an encounter with Al Roker on the telly.

Today has been a day off and a nice one at that. I’ve been busy, running errands and doing laundry and now that’s mostly done. There is more cleaning to be done but not today. My love Bill had to work today and of course he gave me quite the passionate kiss when he was leaving, telling me he loved me so. I mumbled I loved him and went back to sleep.

Later when we talked on the phone, he mentioned a dream that he had where I had kissed him. That was no dream, I actually kissed him a few times when I came home and he lay sleeping. He appreciated it as did I, since we are spouses and partners in life, not merely roommates. It was a fun chat on the phone as I did the first round of errands.

Later when I was doing more errands I left my phone at home and thought about going back to get it, then decided against it and proceeded to walk around Hoboken. It was a good day for it, a little overcast, a bit on the breezy cool side and not too many people around.

Perhaps I felt a bit of the holiday spirit but it was a nice feeling walking up and down the avenue. I stopped by the Guitar Bar to say hello to Mr. Wonderful but he wasn’t in. He’s probably on tour with Ian Hunter somewhere. I also got my first Christmas card this year.

Bobby Risotto more than likely wrote them all out the day after Thanksgiving. I am obliged to send one in return. I was going to write him a letter as well so maybe I will mail the card on one day and the letter a few days later, thanking him for what he did for me as well as his encouragement with regards to my photographs.

I had a nice online discussion with some Facebook friends, friends who live right around the corner but we only see each other online. They’ve been quite supportive with regards to my photos and videos as well as links that I provide to important issues, like how Clarence Thomas should resign from the supreme court, how Rick Perry makes rocks look smart and how Michelle Bachmann is quite a know nothing twat, who has nothing but other know nothing twats following and supporting her.

That’s about all for now. Bill is home and we’re having a good time watching the lip syncing on the Rockefeller Center holiday show thing. Tomorrow is World’s AIDS day, so remember those who have fallen.












09 Everything Is Broken [Alternate V 1

I Want To Tell You

Well it’s been a better day than yesterday. I am over the setback. A Xanax helped and now that it’s worn off and faded away, not going on interviews loaded on drugs (like the malignant tumor Greg mentioned that he found not to be so beneficial). So the 11/11/11 at 111 Fifth Avenue at 11:00AM thing did not pan out. Oh well, la di dah, la di dah. You live, you learn.

Another night of good sleep was had last night and woke up with Bill kissing me goodbye again this morning. Such a lucky guy I am. I am part of the service economy and I guess that is how it is going to be for the time being. At least I don’t have to ask if that is ‘for here or to go’, or if they want ‘fries with that’.

Right now I am working with Bradley who just ran out to CVS to refill his prescription. He’s been a good egg today once again. Perhaps it’s the prescription. I’m doing especially well in sales today, in fact I have a healthy lead over everyone else. I achieved my goal early enough and still continue to rake up the dollars.

Since Bradley is out, I took off the Shins and put on the Fabs, Magical Mystery Tour. It’s been a decent day, I talked with my brother Brian on the phone this morning. he was working nearby but there wasn’t enough time to meet up for a coffee since he had his work to do and I had to head out and catch the bus.

Bill has been exceptional throughout the past couple of weeks. Steadfast and true, and last night despite my telling him to go to bed he stayed up just to give me a great big hug. If that is not love, then I don’t know what it is.

This morning on the bus I played Aladdin Sane by David Bowie and it’s been ages since I played it from start to finish. It still is an amazing record. It’s funny how I never really cared for that perdiod of Bowie, initially I was into his Berlin phase but lately the stuff that put him on top has been grabbing my attention, though last night as I walked home after getting off the bus I did play Move On from Lodger and found solace in that.

Also some texting between me and Rand this morning, he is still searching for steady work and I really hope he finds something soon. He is one of, or perhaps my oldest friend.

And it was 10 years today that George Harrison passed away. I remember hearing the news when I woke up and I really cried a lot about it. Ten years later, I remember buying All Things Must Pass for Annemarie before I headed back from California and a few days after returning to Weehawken George was dead.

I also remember Bill giving me the copy of Time magazine with a beautiful photograph of George with a sunflower on the cover. We were at a pseudo upscale bar and once again I cried a bit. Here’s to you George, somewhere out in the universe, perhaps with John & Brian Epstein. Hare Krishna George.

And thanks for inspiring me to be an artist and encouraging me to continue to create.




09 Run of the Mill

I Fall to Pieces

Well the later hours have begun, meaning that I go in to the cigar shack later and get home later. It works out in a topsy turvy kind of way, I do get to sleep in a little bit later, but then again I do not get home until after 11:00. Too late for a decent meal so I take what I can get.

Yesterday was a Sunday, hence my non posting of an entry. I worked alongside Thomas and Jerry Vale and it wasn’t that bad. The day before was better what with Bradley included and many laughs were had. Yesterday a few laughs were had but sales wise it went all pear shaped. The weather has been unseasonably and unreasonably gorgeous. somewhat disturbing, here we are on the cusp of December and it’s bloody 70 degrees outside.

Bill has been quite the rock lately, so loving and caring and I certainly appreciate it. Yesterday he stopped by the cigar shack to say hello and it truly made my day. That’s what love is, just showing up and making someones day, you can’t beat it. I am fortunate to have someone like Bill, actually I am fortunate to have Bill. A long life filled with love lay ahead no doubt.

And yesterday’s call with Annemarie was really great too. My sister is so great, she is like my right arm, with sage like advice and she laughs at my jokes and comments so you know that can’t be bad. Even if she didn’t laugh at my jokes or comments she would still be great. It certainly helps though. I do enjoy making women laugh.

Heard from Bobby Risotto and the news wasn’t as favorable as I had hoped but he and his partner will be having a child in a few months, surrogate style so to them I say ‘mazel tov’.

Tonight at the cigar shop it’s wrestling night. Don’t ask me who is play or what is what. The last time I watched wrestling was in the 1970’s and the top wrestlers were Bruno Sammartino and Mil Mascaras. WOR channel 9 was the station and one night it was a repeat so while watching TV with my brother Brian, we changed the channel and caught George Carlin on the telly hosting a new show called Saturday Night Live, with musical guests Janis Ian and Billy Preston. I wasn’t 17 so I never learned the truth.

Less than 90 minutes to go, still it is closer to 90 minutes than it is to 0 minutes. The Wynton Marsalis crew is on loop playing the same New Orleans Dixieland holiday classics. I guess they only know 3 songs and those songs are played ad infinitum. Still it beats having sleepy breasts I suppose.

Bradley is less than 3 feet away from me, he clears his throat as he looks out the window, checking out the girls as they stroll by. I check out the guys of course. Just because I am on a diet, it doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.




03 Move on

I Drove All Night

I knew I am dictating tonight entry into my smartphone. I am not sure whether not I will continue to correct whatever ari’s might happen. but it should be an interesting a car and then.

I am in the cigar shop once again after 2 day that’s about all I can do right now I don’t wanna be distracted I have to count money to have a problem if you knows off and it has not been so bad. I work with thomas bradley and sheri cell we all got along quite nicely and have quite a few laughs. of course I would rather spend the day with bill said he is driving to atlantic city tonight a late start for him finale thanks for me.

right now I am counting the face in the back a k a h e math games. send mail proposition to be using the microphone to translate what I am saying into text. hopefully you will be as soon as I am. who knows how to make more sense now that sounds amazing right I fingers. so now its me and thomas in about looking at the week ahead.

certainly doable however unpleasant at my page. less than 45 minutes to go getting out at 10 o’clock tonight or rather a little after 10. thomas and I both agree that bradley was in top form and easy to work with today which is different for a change. I certainly hope to hear from body rizoto this week it would be nice to hear something from him.

It’s almost like a Burroughs cut up.

Well I just got home and thought I wouldn’t have to write after dictating what came out as gobbledygook. It’s 11:05PM and I closed the cigar shack at 10:15. Easy getting home though the later hours truly suck. I got in at 12:30 and did the usual 10 hour shift.

I could complain but then again the wankers would respond saying whine whine whine. You don’t see the comments, they go right into the spam folder. Thomas and I had a lengthy discussion about art. I had no idea of his interest and he mentioned that he enjoyed my photos and would consider them worthy of the pantheon that I call ‘Art’.

It was definitely a good thing to hear. We disagreed about R. Mutt and the Fountain. He didn’t see the humor and most definitely does not enjoy conceptual art and really does not like surrealism. And I am all about surrealism. True I edit myself greatly and so a lot of surreal things don’t make the cut.

Perhaps I am too bourgeois, too middle class. That maybe so but I am fine with it. I do what I do and if you like it, that’s fine and if you don’t that’s fine too. Why anyone would go back to something they don’t like time after time, day after day is beyond me.

I am not holding my breath but really don’t mind if they do. They might look good in blue anyhow.






04 Sound And Vision

I Drink Alone

Well today was a day off and after how things went asunder yesterday it turned out to be a good day to have off. The plan to go to upstate New York and visit with Bill’s cousin et al fell by the wayside for reasons to be revealed at a later date.

So we were home a lot earlier than expected and wound up cuddling on the couch watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, followed by Hannah and her Sisters and then Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One. We didn’t watch all of Deathly Hallows Part One sine we were both very tired.

Juan took a chance and texted me to see if we were around but it was mere minutes before we both headed to bed so I had to tell Juan no. I’m sure he understood, or at least I hoped he did. Bill and I slept well and he was awake before I was this morning.

He was busy doing something as I showered and made some coffee before heading out to the grocery store. Since Thanksgiving plans were mislaid Friday plans were now nonexistent, leaving me with nothing to do. I was sort of fine with it but still I would rather have had something or somewhere to go that would be fun and or at least enlightening.

Instead, laundry was done after breakfast. At the supermarket, Isis cashier supreme told me how her plans had gone awry and she too had wound up being home much earlier than she expected. She also mentioned that a few other customers had told her of their holiday plans gone to seed. I guess yesterday was a bit of a fiasco for a few people.

I was soon home, Bill shredding a lot of papers trying to clean the apartment. There is a lot to be done in that regard and I do my bit and he does his bit and still it is a Sysephesian Sisephesian task. It’s just as well that Juan is just about the only person that ever visits and here we were turning him away the night before due to our exhaustion.

I was able to get out and about for a while this afternoon, very sunny and warm in the 60 degree range. Not that crowded on the streets of Hoboken and still plenty of parking due to it being a holiday weekend. There was some texting going back and forth between me and Julio this afternoon culminating in a dinner invite for me and Bill with Julio, Stine & Alexander.

They had gone to Julio’s cousin’s house for dinner and now ere relaxing after a day trip to Bear Mountain this afternoon. Alexander played shy for a few minutes when he came back from the supermarket with his dad and then it was gloves off.

Out came the toys which were just put away an hour before. We had a wonderful spaghetti and meatball dinner with some nice white wine and quite a few laughs and applause when Alexander completed the alphabet. A very nice and enjoyable time followed by a nice walk home with Bill on the quiet streets of Hoboken.

We did not walk down Washington Street so we couldn’t say the bars were crowded but still the few bars we passed on Willow Avenue were not crowded at all. We are both happy to be home nonetheless.


Romantic Me

I Drink

It is Thanksgiving Day. Once again I did not sleep so well. It seems to be a pattern. Despite being awfully tired, I couldn’t really rest. Maybe it was because Bill was driving back from Buffalo and I was worried. I don’t seem to be able to get a good night’s sleep when he is not next to me in the bed.

Now he is home and taking a nap, waking up in a few minutes. Then we head out to dinner. I am ambivalent about the whole thing and would just as well be happy at home, not doing anything. But it’s not just about me of course, and I am accompanying Bill on this day.

I wish I could really relax or get into the swing of things but it’s been difficult so far. I’m sure going out with Bill will do the trick. I am thankful though for Bill, my family and my friends.

Ten years ago I was in California visiting Annemarie, Rex and Earl for the holiday. I thought it was time that someone from my family went out west to visit since the only other person to make the trip was my mother before she passed away.

It was also after September 11 and the reports were that people were afraid to fly. I decided to show my lack of fear and booked a flight. It was a wonderful visit, and my sister went out of her way to make sure that I would be able to have some turkey since Anne, Rex and Earl are all vegetarians. She really went all out and to this day I am still grateful.

The four of us even made time to catch this new movie that came out, a movie that Earl was excited to see. Some movie called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. We all enjoyed it and believe me, I am surprised that ten years later I find myself enamored with the whole series.

It was a fun visit and I hope to do it again soon enough, when I have a real job and some real money to fly out there. Focusing on that trip has helped my spirits a great deal. I have two movies from the bibliothèque, Hannah and Her Sisters and Sweeney Todd. Hopefully I will find the time to watch these movies during the time I have off.

So overall I am thankful for everything I have, once again- Bill, my family and my friends, and a roof over my head. So we’re heading out in a little while. It looks to be a sunny day, a good day to walk in the sun before heading on the train with Bill.

I am looking forward to dinner and spending some precious time with the man I love. I am fortunate and I am grateful. Thank you for your love and support, your kindness and your generosity. I certainly appreciate it all and hope I can repay your kindness somehow, someway.

You know who you are and I love you all so very much. Thank you.

2-10 I Saw Her Standing There [Live

I Dreamed A Dream

I just got home a few minutes ago. Bill is up in Buffalo, and is expected back tomorrow. It’s been a long day. Last night I had the strangest dream which seemed to go on forever, but in reality probably lasted about a minute.

In the dream I was working in an office (perhaps a omen) yet still working for Cigar Shack Incorporated. A phone was ringing and I answered it. On the other end was Benjamin Netanyahu. He was friendly enough, perhaps too friendly.

He was asking me about some cigars that I sold him on the east side of town. I told him I worked on the west side of town but he was insistent and being a customer, always right. He basically told me he liked the cigars and in a roundabout way, was asking me out for some cocktails.

I don’t remember much after that since I woke up. The day started out as a drag and continued to be so and it went on. I was out on the street waiting for the bus and watching the rain clouds roll in. I don’t think I slept too well and was a bit anxious about work.

I had no idea what was in store at the cigar shack but a redeeming value was the fact that Frank Burns would not be in. It was to be Zack and Thomas. The bus was crowded and late. There were quite a few people leaving town with luggage. At the next stop Deborah got on board and it was nice to see her though both of us were dragging.

I tried not to think about past jobs where the office would close at a half day and a four day weekend happily loomed. No, that was not for me. I had a long full day ahead. Looking backwards was not going to help me at all. Since my bus was late that meant I was late but I wasn’t too worried.

After the train ride uptown I walked into the cigar shack where Zack was behind the counter next to Thomas who was counting money. Zack was ringing up for a customer and I said good morning as I walked in. A glare from Thomas did not seem promising. He was just tired.

I got myself together and punched in and soon started selling cigars and whatnot. The man cave once again open for smoking was getting crowded and in the afternoon would be filled with some slightly tipsy customers pontificating and egging each other on while others merely rolled their eyes.

For lunch I headed out, took a train downtown and walked back just to have something to do. I was back in time as Thomas was due to have lunch next. He had nowhere to go and wound up spending his time looking for a place to roost. Zack left early leaving Thomas and myself.

The tipsy customers left wishing Thomas and myself a happy Thanksgiving and once or twice I actually wished customers a happy Halloween.

Now I am home and happy to be here. I might not write tomorrow, it is a holiday and Bill has things planned. So we shall see.


transom





05 That’s Love, That It Is

very boring entry, no?

I Dread The Night

Man do I work with some bitches or what? Today it was working with Othello and Iago. Overall it was sort of like working alone. The man cave was available to smoke in again and sure enough it was crowded. I’m not sure tweaking the nipple of a neighbor who has been complaining is the right thing to do but what do I know?

I’m not management material. That would be Othello’s position with Iago his loyal lieutenant. Last night wasn’t so bad, I was working alone, leaving Iago to close the shop. Working with him is like working alone. We only speak to each other when we have to. And lately Othello speaks only to Iago.

I’m fine with that, I just putter along, doing my job and doing whatever is asked of me. I offer no input, no suggestion that annoying the complaining neighbor is a bad idea. No I just watch them build their house of cards, hopefully being far away enough when those cards come falling down.

The lawyers are getting paid so that’s good I guess. It is not that comfortable working like this but it is certainly manageable. I’m practically enjoying it, since it certainly gives me plenty to write about. Tomorrow Iago won’t be in and since I am off both Thursday and Friday it will seem like three days off.

And another good thing is the fact that Thomas will be in so it will be good to have someone to talk to during the day. I am nearly certain that Othello will do his best to keep us from conversing but things have gotten so familiar that a nod or a wink is just as good to a blind horse.

I slept really well again last night and got up at my own speed, no more hustling about in the morning. It works out fine, moving at an easy pace. I was on the street a little after 10:00 and as I talked with the hubby on the phone I walked up to the bus stop. It was a bit nippy but not too bad. Once again I waited for my 10:30 bus, enjoying a free cigar a salesman blessed me with.

At the next stop, neighbor Deborah and her boyfriend Kevin boarded and we had a nice chat. Deborah is very supportive of me and so is Kevin. She’s trying to get me a gig at her firm and according to her it looks promising. She reckons that something might happen in December so if that is so and things work out, then I might just drop out of the retail scene and move back into the private sector.

It doesn’t seem like there is any reason to give notice and who knows if the cigar shack will even be in existence in January? Of course it is all speculation and there would be ripples in the pool. But worrying about bitches is not my problem, I have my life to attend to and it would be paramount to move on to the next level.

So if Othello or Iago is reading this, there you have it.

Exactly.





02 Kiss Kiss Kiss

I Don’t Want Your Love

Well it certainly has been a strange day. It started out with a very good night’s sleep, had two dreams which involved Pedro. Good dreams he was alright, it was like being back in the old days.

We seemed to be hanging out in River Edge where the old Disc-O-Mat was on Route 4. Also a fleeting dream featuring Takashi Moriuchi, a nice guy I used to work with bank in Wanker Banker days and the Takashi dream took place near Wright’s Village in Lodi or South Hackensack.

Bill was up and out and I was sleeping so well I barely noticed. After a five day shift of 10 hour days, having at least one day off was quite nice. It was not so bad getting up this morning and I slept a few minutes later than I usually do. I got myself together and headed out to the bus stop.

Pedro did phone me but that was because I texted him before I headed out. We have a great bond, the two of us. Truly one of my dearest friends.

Right now in the cigar the usual crap holiday songs are on repeat, and it adds to the hellish situation.And in the cigar shack, things have taken a turn for the worse. The neighbors a really big bank, started complaining about the smell of cigars and they’ve been doing that since way before I started working here.

There was an agreement to talk to us before going to the landlord, but tha has fallen by the wayside and now lawyers are involved. So at 12:30 the man cave was shut down, costing us quite a bit of business since it’s too cold to go outside and smoke (though I did just that at lunch time).

Certain trolls won’t be around so that’s not so bad but this is a crippling blow to the store on the brink of the holiday saeason which is beaucoup bucks for most retailers. A lot of regulars came in looking forward to a smoke and a smile and they left crestfallen. Even Jimmy Seltzer who is driving with his wife to Nashville for the holiday was dismayed.

What can you do? Now the lawyers are involved. The cigar shack lawyers, the big bank laywers and the landlord’s lawyers. I am a Cassandra in this, meaning I knew this was going to happen and even told Calvin that back in January. Our days may be numbered oddly enough and even then who knows?

I am sick of Christmas and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. These horrible New Orleans Dixieland songs probably picked by Wynton Marsalis are terrible. Perhaps once in a while they would be fine, but this loop that is playing is wearing me down. This is more than likely a violation of the Geneva convention.

Now I am home and surprisingly met Bill while on line for the bus. A nice ride home with the man I love. And now we are home watching part two of the American Masters series, this time all about Woody Allen. Quite insightful and worth watching.








08 Hey, Snow White

I Don’t Want You Now

Yesterday was day five, ten hour shifts and I was toast before I even headed in. I saw Bill only for about five minutes before I headed out the door and I was so stressed. Near the cigar shack the same six holiday songs, done in a New Orleans Dixieland style are played loudly and endlessly on a loop, as if it was the sounds of the holiday signaling the oncoming apocalypse.

Ahead of me lay a long day, a Saturday with a staph meeting at the end. I was not sure about what the staph meeting would entail or the length. Last time there was pizza and beer as well as a free cigar of our choice and if that was to be the case then it was probably going to be a long dazed journey into night.

As per usual I took the bus into the city and walked up the avenue, getting my egg sandwich and arriving at the cigar shack earlier than I needed to. Zack was opening so that meant I would have to enjoy my sandwich standing up in the pantry next to the garbage can instead of being able to sit in the office before signing in for the day.

Thomas and Frank Burns were in, with Jerry Vale expected later in the day after he gets out of his other job. I was alright thanks to a Xanax, but still could sense despair on the edges of my outlook. The ritual 3:00 phone call with my sister had her alarmed by my bleak vision.

In hindsight it was probably the darkest part of the day for me, more than likely from not having eaten lunch yet. After a burger deluxe and a chocolate shake I did call her back to let her know that I was feeling better. If I don’t eat, I crash- mentally, physically and spiritually. The day went on as it was supposed to, ending with Thomas and myself nabbing the top two spots in sales respectively.

Still the staph meeting was scheduled and neither Thomas or myself knew what was in store. Were we going to be chewed out? Was Frank Burns going to be the anointed assistant manager? It turned out to be quite a mild meeting, Zack reading aloud from notes, as the rest of us dutifully followed.

Questions were asked and answered and the whole thing was over and we were out of the shack by 10:30, leaving Zack to finish his cigar alone. I lucked out, getting on the subway platform just as an express train was heading downtown.

I was wary about a long line and wait like last Saturday but there was no need. Things were going as they should, the Path was running so there wasn’t hundreds of other people waiting for the Hoboken bus. I was home by 11:00 and watched Saturday Night Live before heading to bed.

Bill phoned from Atlantic City, lovingly concerned about my wellbeing. I reassured him that I was home and doing alright.




If 6 was 9

I Don’t Want You Back (Fuck It!)

I just don’t really understand it, it seems to be a time thing. This time last year I was feeling very much the same only not as intense as I feel now. Last year was a time of uncertainty and nit still is and like last year I am subject to the whims of the universe and man are they kicking my ass.

It is affecting my sleep, at least last night it did. I can’t seem to shut off my brain which leaves me to lay in bed, listening to air escaping from Bill’s sleep apnea mask which is better than his snoring. I went to bed at a decent hour and closed my eyes and tossed and turned and then after about 30 minutes got out of bed, took 2 melatonin tablets and surfed the net for about 20 minutes.

Then I went back to bed and waited for the melatonin tablets to kick in. I guess they did since I did do something resembling sleep, but I wouldn’t call it restful and I wouldn’t say nit was enough. Bill kissed me goodbye saying all the nice things he usually does and I couldn’t even open my eyes. I did speak to him but I really don’t know what we were talking about or even if we were talking about anything besides the usual morning ‘I Love You’.

He left and I stayed in bed eventually getting out about an hour later. Then it was the same thing, shower, coffee, cereal. I was out again on Washington Street waiting for the bus, oblivious to most everything and feeling a few steps behind everyone else in the world.

Neighbor Deborah got on at the next stop and since I didn’t see her in about a week I chewed her ear off. It was quite an interesting story and funny thanks to the spin I put on it. The story consumed the entire bus ride into the city and she was sympathetic as well as supportive, reminding me of a possibility next month which we had discussed in the past.

I got to the cigar shack area and killed sometime before heading in. It was Thomas and Frank Burns (who really does look like a possum when he does not wear his eyeglasses and eats) at the controls. It was fairly busy today so there wasn’t much time to get in each other’s way.

At lunch time I planned on sitting on that bench near the park but found it to be too cold so I went back to the man cave and sat and read the New Yorker (Food Issue- yawn) and Mojo Magazine which wasn’t as engrossing as I hoped. Jimmy Seltzer made an appearance as did My Friend My Friend.

Now it’s just Thomas and I and we are actually doing things. Tomorrow is definitely going to be a long day with a staff meeting at the end of a 10 hour shift. Jerry Vale, Zack, Frank Burns, Thomas and I. Should be a nightmare, at least. I don’t think I will post tomorrow so I will post on Sunday instead.



I Don’t Want To Talk About It

“Excuse me, I have a question. What is that bullet shaped gadget?” The bullet shaped gadget is a cigar punch. “Oh that is excellent” It’s been a big nothing kind of day. Not much interesting, not much going on, not much of anything.

I slept incredibly well, and I think Bill did too even though I had to tell him as he slept that he was snoring. Through the sleep apnea mask again. He is now officially scheduled to spend the night at a sleep clinic in a week or two.

I feel bad for him since it is a problem and the mask does not seem to be doing it’s job, but then again some weight loss might help. I don’t have the healthiest diet and I feel a bit hypocritical telling him that he should eat better, but I also do not want to come across as a nag.

Bill woke up later than he had hoped and kissed me goodbye as I lay there sleeping the sleep of what felt like someone who just smoked a tremendous joint. Not a bad way to start the day despite feeling sluggish. I shuffled about the apartment, turning things on, turning things off.

Coffee and cereal were my morning companions as I heard all about Occupy Wall Street and their plans to take over the world. Last night on the TV Bill and I watched some cointelpro yelling about how he was going to toss a Molotov cocktail into Macy’s.

Today was spent working with Frank Burns and he was in his element. Complaining of his bad back and how he was going to have to go to a cigar lounge somewhere and hang out since his boy toy is hosting it. No sign of Zack lately.

In the land of the cigar shack, no information on what is going on downtown. Just the usual customers sitting around talking shit which they do so well. And it’s definitely the luck of the draw today, Jerry Vale is kicking ass leaving Frank Burns and myself in the ashtray.

It’s pretty funny, I have some guy dripping in gold, nice suit and shoes and he buys the least expensive. Neck bone walks in looking like crap and proceeds to drop hundreds of dollars. I mean there is really nothing I can do about it, but I have never in all my life decided to kill some time browsing in a cigar shack and not buy anything like the fucktard that just came in while Jerry Vale sells ice cubes to Eskimos.

Less than an hour to go and it certainly cannot end fast enough for me. Just a dreadful day, cold and rainy and just dismal overall. Still both Jerry Vale and I are glad that Frank Burns is not here. He could be anywhere but we know he is at a cigar lounge with his boy toy.

So it’s win win for all concerned. Some Eire fan just came in and bought 2 cigars and paid in Sacajewea dollars which will be fun to count tonight and even more fun to deliver to the bank tomorrow for a deposit.






I Don’t Want To Spoil The Party

A dismal and wet Wednesday. The day started out with Bill leaving a few hours later than usual, and I got up out of bed as he kissed me goodbye and headed out the door with his words of encouragement.

He’s a very good man and I am quite lucky to have him. I made some coffee, poured some cereal and jumped into the shower as usual. Not an exciting life but at least it’s a life.

I walked up to Washington Street, stopping by Hoboken Daily News and said hello to Andy and his grumpy brother. Then it was a wait for the bus.

At the next stop I expected to see neighbor Deborah and saw a woman with her hairstyle but this woman was a bit on the heavy side which was a surprise when I saw her board the bus.

I’ve been listening to Bjork a lot lately so I had that all cued up as I walked from the bus to the subway. The usual creeps and cops were around, some of the cops are regulars at the cigar shack and they generally give me a nod as I walk by.

By the time I got to the vicinity of the cigar shack it was starting to rain and even though I was early, I preferred to wait outside rather than deal with Frank Burns who has gone back to being a real schmuck again, all goodwill from last week seems to have fallen by the wayside.

Thomas was in already and he mentioned that it was his turn to close tonight. I told him that it didn’t matter, that I would close. It really doesn’t matter since even if I do leave early I spent my time exasperated on the subway platform waiting for a downtown train which gets there just at almost the exact same time it would be if I was closing the cigar shack.

Frank Burns certainly didn’t care, or didn’t even know since he was sequestered in the humidor rearranging things which is what a faux assistant manager is supposed to do. Zack was out today which gave Frank Burns the nerve to play it as he was in charge.

I suppose Thomas and I humor him as much as we could but we spent a lot more time and energy just trying to avoid him. If he’s in the humidor- we’re on the floor. If he’s on the floor we’re not.

It’s been about a year since Ron flew the coop, just in time to avoid the extra hours that accompany holiday drama. Already in the cigar shack neighborhood, stars and holiday decorations are up already. The giant crystal was hung at 57th and Fifth Avenue yesterday and will probably still be hanging until February.

Now there is an hour left in the work day or thereabouts. The cigar shack closes at 9:00 but since I will be closing I probably won’t be out until 9:15 if all the numbers match up and so far they do.


12 I Don’t Want To Spoil The Party

I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing

Well today was not as bad as I anticipated. I had gotten some reports from Frank Burns of all people, that Zack was none too happy about things on Sunday. I didn’t know what Frank Burns was texting about since he didn’t get into much detail but it was more than likely a red herring from a possum.

I did not dwell on it last night and thanks to some melatonin I slept really well, making waking up a bit of a drag but easily overcome. Bill was as usual up and out an hour and a half before I roused myself out of slumber. Some breakfast, a shower and a nice suit & tie all lined up, I was ready for whatever lay ahead.

Still- after having two days off in a row probably contributed my foot dragging. No neighbor Deborah on the bus but her boyfriend Kevin made the scene, riding a few block to a management meeting at the Wine Bar on 14th and Washington Street. After he got off the bus after some quick chat I stared out the window, looking at the red and yellow leaves on the once green trees covering the lower half of the Palisades.

We were in the city in no time thanks to the excellent bus driver who calls me ‘chief’. A walk through the terminal which was pandemonium on Saturday evening. I was surprised to not hear or read any reports on the mayhem of 500 people running about the terminal as if looking for a great big “W” or being chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

No this was a much quieter terminal this morning. I walked down to the subway and just missed an express train but did not fret too much since a local had just appeared soon after and I boarded that. It was a balmy autumn morning and once I was above ground once again I got myself an iced coffee and headed to work.

Zack was in and didn’t seem as upset as Frank Burns led me to believe. Jerry Vale soon came in so it was going to be us three for the rest of the day. At least half the day since Zack had a Parent Teacher thing that needed attending. Jerry’s been distant lately but opened quite a bit when he started talking about how much he too hates Frank Burns. So that makes me, Thomas and now Jerry Vale who loathe Frank Burns. I guess it’s true, it’s easy to unite when you have a common enemy.

I did wake up to hear that The NYPD moved in last night/early morning an evicted the Occupy Wall Street encampment in Zuccoti Park. Not much news about it since the NYPD arrested reporters who tried to do their job, Conflicting reports throughout the day, judge says they can stay, higher court says they have to move. I suppose more info will come out eventually via the internets.

And for me there is about a half hour left for me at the cigar shack.



03 Another Day

I Don’t Want To Let You Go

Patience has always been a virtue that I struggle with and today it was made known that I still struggle with it. It wasn’t so bad but in fact I am still in a holding pattern of patience with an anxious front coming in from the east.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day- I walked around Hoboken a bit, cleaned the apartment a bit and did some laundry. All was as planned. Bill had an audition and then attended what turned into a master class on acting. I busied myself at home and around town and even had time for a nap.

I also watched a whole hell of a lot of Harry Potter on cable. I couldn’t resist, for some reason I find myself enchanted by the movies, which got better with each release. Having seen them all I was able to leave and come back and jump right in later in each movie. I still think the last two- The Deathly Hallows Parts One & Two are some very good, very intense filmmaking.

After that I watched Boardwalk Empire during which Bill came home from his master class. Then we watched Pan Am which was a bit lame. I told Bill that they’re bound to be heading up to JFK’s assassination, then the Beatles arrival in the US.

JFK’s assassination would probably figure in Christina Ricci’s storyline since she was a big JFK supporter in his 1960 campaign and they had an episode dealing with the Ich bien ein Berliner story, even bringing up the fact that JFK basically said that he was a jelly donut. It’s a good thing that most everyone likes jelly donuts. And the Beatles did arrive on a Pan Am flight in February 1964, so guess who’s be manning that flight? More than likely our four stewardesses and flight crew.

Bill went to bed at some point during the news following and I stayed up watching I don’t know what on cable. I slept really well once again though I did have to tell Bill that he was snoring again, despite wearing a sleep apnea mask. So for Bill it looks like another visit to the Sleep Research Center is going to happen. Bill hasn’t been sleeping well. He’s been sleeping a lot, just not getting that full restful sleep that we all would like to have.

Thanks to the melatonin I slept deeply, so deeply that I had to ask Bill what day it was before he headed out after kissing me goodbye in the morning.
Today I lumbered out of bed, did my things, shower a shave and heading out for groceries as well as greeting the world with a smile. It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep can do for you. So right now I am hopeful and anxious.

Some texting with Bobby Risotto going back and forth, not immediate texting just a line here and there every couple of hours. It’s been a good day, gorgeous and somewhat warm. It was a good day to be off and a good day to be out. Hopefully days like that will present themselves accordingly, sooner if not later.











November 14, 2011



I Don’t Want to Know

Another Saturday night in the cigar shack. It has been a long day, working alongside Thomas and Frank Burns nee Bradley. Bradley reverted back to Frank Burns today, more than likely because he was hung over. I wasn’t hungover since I really do not drink anymore, but I did not sleep so well.

Too many thoughts coming into my head as I tried to sleep and the majority of the thoughts were regarding the cigar shack. Zack’s girlfriend got a haircut and he told me about it so I thought about that for way too long. And then Bill was up and out at around 2:45 this morning so I wasn’t sleeping too much as he kissed me goodbye, in fact I was awake enough to tell him to be careful.

Tonight will be a melatonin night that’s for sure. I woke up before the alarm clock though I don’t think ‘woke up’ is the proper phrase since I didn’t feel like I was sleeping anyhow. I got myself together and headed to the bus stop, catching an earlier bus so I could get my egg sandwich.

Then a walk up to the cigar shack where Frank Burns was holding down the fort. I sat in the office and was about to take a bite when all of a sudden it got fairly busy. I put down the sandwich and helped a customer even before I punched in.

Once I made sure they were relatively happy with their purchase and Frank Burns was secure enough in his insecurities I was able to eat the sandwich and then finally punch in. Thomas was in soon enough and it made for an uneasy day.

Nothing bad between Thomas and myself but both of us are ill at ease with Frank Burns most of the time. Frank Burns does like to play the role of little Hitler when Zack isn’t around. And he was at his most alter kocker today. Whatever good feeling he presented the other night had dissipated but that was more than likely from the hangover.

Had a few phone chats with Bill as well as sister Annemarie and Bobby Risotto. Good talks all around, some food for thought. Now less than an hour to go at the cigar shack and of course it is bound to drag.

Thomas was supposed to close but since getting back to Coney Island is going to be a nightmare, he asked if I could close and I said sure. In return he gave me three of his cigars from his stash which was awfully kind and though he did not have to do it, I gladly accepted.

The area around the cigar shack has slowed considerably which will add to the crawling of time. I myself should be home by 10:00 if all goes well, Bill expects to be home by 11:00. We both have off tomorrow which seems to get rarer and rarer these days. Must do something about it.

And now I am home a few hours later than I should. I closed the cigar shack and walked down to the subway. Lucky me, the downtown train pulls in as I descend onto the platform. I think that everything is going well, and take a seat. I get to the bus terminal and climb the escalators and approaching the gate where I catch my bus and see a very long line. I decide I don’t want to wait, that I would rather be in motion so I go and head down the escalators and start walking to the Path train.

Lot’s of young couples enjoying the end of sabbath as I walk down Broadway to the Path train. I get downstairs to the Path and see that it’s very crowded down there. No one knows whats going on and then the police move everyone out after putting police tape over the turnstiles. Strange but no one did anything about the 30 people on the Path platform, beyond the police tapes.

I make my way to the bus terminal where the lines for both Jersey City and Hoboken have merged into one and is now stretched towards the bowling alley. Some NJ Transit personnel separates Hoboken from Jersey City and I am that much closer to the gate, about 50 yards away.

I then notice that the people way ahead of me on line are turning around and heading to the third level of the bus terminal. I figured out that they were going to the ‘after 10PM gate’. They start to run and I do too, following a guy up the staircase, avoiding the crowds running to the escalators.

Me and the guy make it and we are now like 20th in line. The PA blares that Hoboken bus 126 will be at gate 325 (usually 323). We’re all happy, hundreds of us, or at least the ones I can see. Then the information guy says Hoboken 126 bus is at gate 204.

We wonder whats going on and then it is announced again that Hoboken bus 126 will be at gate 204. We panic and run, I head to the staircase again, most everyone else goes to the escalators.

It was sort of like Jurassic Park meets It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World. But now I am home after all that and I am tired of writing. Good night. No post tomorrow.







Green Manalishi

I Don’t Want to Hear Anymore

It’s a Friday from what I gathered. And so far it’s been quite alright. The day started after having a good night’s sleep. Bil was able to stay awake when I got home last night so that was very good. He stayed awake for about an hour then he turned in.

I stayed up long enough to watch Brian Eno on the Colbert Report and Brian was charming as ever. And the singing of ‘Lean On Me’ with Michael Stipe along with Eno and Stephen Colbert was priceless. I was glad I watched it and even happier that I recorded it so I can show it to Bill since he basically knows a little bit about Eno but never heard him speak. So now he can.

I had the honor of meeting with Brian Eno in the 1990’s when I was working at Skyline Studios. He was producing Laurie Anderson and I never expected to meet him but there he was. I invited him and Laurie Anderson to Weehawken for a pseudo macro-biotic dinner and they politely declined. I’m sure I have written about this before.

I did ask both Brian Eno and Laurie Anderson to sign some albums for me and they did so gladly. I still have them safely hidden away. I watched the Colbert Report again this morning as I was getting ready to head out.

Once on the street I ran into Mike C and we walked to the bus stop. He was doing some power walk thing and slowed down considerably to talk since I power walk for no man. I got on the bus after Mike power walked away and was joined by neighbor Deborah at the next stop.

She was getting ready for the weekend whereas for me it was just another day. It was a fun ride though, lots of laughs though we did wonder why after 14th Street the bus driver wasn’t stopping for anyone anymore. Once again Deborah went her way and I went my way and headed to the subway platform.

The train arrived and soon I was near the cigar shack. I had exceptional sales yesterday and that helped my spirits today. It was Zack and Jerry Vale with the return of Thomas working alongside me today. It wasn’t a home run day but I did hit a few triples.

Right now Thomas is playing Pale Blue Eyes by the Velvet Underground which I think is one of his favorite songs and I am happy to report that I turned him onto the song, but not the band. One more day of work then two days off and I can’t wait.

Plan to reconnect with Bobby Rissotto over the weekend. He contacted me about something and I responded. Now he wants me to call him and I certainly plan on doing that. I haven’t seen him in a while so perhaps it’s an invite to his swank holiday party.

26 minutes left in the store hours, then a train ride and a bus ride and I will be home to see Bill fast asleep. He has to get up at 2:30 tomorrow morning since he has to drive a bus.

Now I am home, and feeling hopeful.







Veteran's Day


I Don’t Want to Grow Up

It’s a Thursday night in the cigar shack. It’s been a busy day which has kept me occupied and it’s been good since I woke up twice in the middle of the night with headaches due from dehydration. The first time I woke up it must have been around 4:00 and Bill was awake and getting ready for work.

He’s been getting to his office around 5:30 to get a jump on cleaning up his desk. His boss has been running him ragged and now that the baseball season is over things have slowed down considerably. So my time with Bill has usually been in the dark, laying in bed listening to the sleep apnea machine forcing air into his face.

The second time I woke up I was a bit wiser and took some Advil which helped greatly. And Bill was gone for a few hours before I got up and got myself ready for the day. I was fairly ambivalent about the day ahead. I waited for the bus in the cool autumn air, the sun was shining and I of course waited for my 10:30 bus.

It was a bit crowded when I boarded and sat in the back next to the wheel well. The bus filled up rather quickly, no downstairs Deborah, no Alice G, just me and I spent most of the ride looking at my smartphone like so many other commuters. I was in the bus terminal, trying to get to the subway, this entrance blocked off, that exit closed.

Eventually I did make it and did not have to wait too long for a train which was nice. Got to the shack just a minute late which I thought would be worse since there were a few checkpoints at the Lincoln Tunnel causing some delay in the commute. The shack had Zack and Bradley as well as Jerry Vale.

I busied myself cleaning yet again and was dragging in sales throughout most of the day. But as things happen it’s the luck of the draw or in my case, whomever answers the phone. I got a big sale much to my surprise and knocked it out the box. Now it’s quiet again, me and Bradley (yes a name change yet again) and he’s playing some music that he performed himself and to my surprise it wasn’t that bad.

With some polish he probably could have sold it to 4AD, but he says that those days are behind him. This newfound respect for Bradley surprises me. Why isn’t he nice all the time instead of being standoffish? It was possibly the first time in a year, since Bradley started working at the cigar shack that we actually got along fine.

I wound up closing the cigar shack letting Bradley get a head start on getting home and closed it relatively quickly. Two more days to go for me then it’s two days off in a row. I’m looking forward to it and though I have no plans, I am open for some good ideas or suggestions on what to do.





01 come together

I Don’t Want to Die (In the Hospital)

Well today was different. It certainly was a change, what with having to get to the cigar shack at 9:30 and open which is usually someone else’s job. It was Zack’s doing since I had requested Sunday off and since the schedule had to be rearranged I didn’t mind.

I was a bit anxious about it since it was going to be me and Zack for two hours before Thomas and Frank Burns were due in. I walked up to the bus stop and waited. A totally different type of person on the bus earlier in the morning, earlier than what I am used to.

It wasn’t so bad as I ran onto Alice G on the bus and we had an interesting chat about our jobs, our pasts and our futures. Alice has big plans afoot, she’s in Psychic TV and a documentary on Genesis P. Orridge is going to be released as well as a tour of Australia and New Zealand. All very exciting but then again Alice G is quite an exciting woman. Having written that, I’m dumbfounded that I have known her for over 20 years.

Zack has been acting weird lately ever since Calvin took a powder so I did not know what to expect. Actually I was expecting something like how Raymond was let go. He came in, there was a discussion and a few minutes later Raymond was gathering his things and headed out the door. But nothing happened, it was merely Zack sitting in his office and me trying to keep busy.

It’s a weird situation for all concerned and perhaps weird for those that happen to be unconcerned. Zack didn’t want the position he is in now and he found it thrust upon him. He’s making the most of it and doesn’t want to fail and personally I don’t want to see him fail. I believe he and his girlfriend have a baby on the way though it hasn’t been announced.

Frank Burns actually let it slip and Zack and Frank Burns have been extraordinarily tight these days. Maybe it’s a gay thing, I don’t know. One is utterly fascinated with who may or may not be gay and the other stated that he and his cousin had sex a week or so ago, so I don’t know who to believe but it does make for some interesting talk.

Thomas came in as did Frank Burns and it made it difficult to be busy when there was now competition to be busy. Wiping down glass, facing cigars, emptying ashtrays. Well actually I’m the only one who empties the ashtrays, at least that is what some of the customers tell me.

An earlier lunch than usual and that was nice since the sun was still out and I was able to enjoy a cigar and read Please Kill Me some more. I finished the New Yorker and since the new one hadn’t arrived yet, I needed something to read. It fit the bill nicely.





06-mos_def-quiet_dog_bite_hard

I Don’t Want To Change The World

Well today has been somewhat productive and even better, sociable. Having off today afforded me some more relaxation time. That’s what I’d call it since I basically woke up at the same time as when I have to go to work. So I got out of bed and made some coffee. A trip to the supermarket was once again in order since after this pot of coffee there was no more coffee to be had.

So after a couple of cups I headed out, with the shopping bag filled with shirts and trousers to be cleaned. I walked by Mr. L’s, my barber and did not see anyone in Tony’s chair. Once I stepped in I saw that Tony wasn’t their either. His son Nick told me that Tony was at the market getting milk for the coffee. I set down the canvas bag and told Nick I would be right back, and went out to vote.

The precinct is only a few doors down and I was in and out in less than five minutes. When I got back to Mr. L’s, Tony was back and waiting for me, even though by this time there were two other guys waiting for a haircut. Maybe they were waiting for Nick and didn’t care much for Tony’s methods, but in any event I walked over to Tony, shook his hand and sat in his chair.

He asked how the cigar business was, telling me that he had gone to a wedding with his wife and at the reception there was a man rolling cigars. I like Tony’s work, he goes so far as to trim nose hair, eye brows and ear hair, and takes extraordinary measures to get as much white hair out of my goatee, so I don’t wind up barba blanca.

Then it was off to Cary’s Dry Cleaners where I dropped off my shirts as well as Bill’s stuff. Then a trip to the supermarket which was not very crowded but I felt like either I was stalking or being stalked. I would go to an aisle and there would be the same woman each and everytime, eyeballing me.

Perhaps I was being cruised but as usual I had no clue. Came home and texted with Mike Cecchini who lives up the block. I saw him on Sunday at Maxwells and told him then I had a few CD’s from Mojo and Uncut to lend him. He was coming over as I started the laundry so I gather 33 CD’s and put them in a bag and walked them down to the street.

The apartment was a bit of a mess to have him come up and it was a beautiful day outside anyhow. I never even opened some of the CD’s and told him he could hang onto them for as long as he’d like. I did upload some of them but the majority of them have been unheard by me, and it’s mainly since I was not so interested in the genre, be it Heavy Metal or the dreaded Americana. Metal I am almost always ambivalent about and Americana is best served in small doses.

I was out and about in the afternoon and enjoying a cigar as I walked up Washington Street I ran into the always wonderful Thaler Pekar, a very smart and brilliant woman. And despite her saying that she was feeling so tired, she looked great. Her husband Tom is a lucky guy and I’m sure he knows it. He’s a nice guy too. Maxwells people keep popping up.

She was off to the Farmer’s Market which I believe is it’s last day today for the year and I was heading back home. So that’s about it, been a nice day, saw friends, did laundry and now Bill is home too so it’s all good.

Rest in Peace Joe Frazier and Heavy D.






Bobbi Martin – For the Love of Him – 1970

I Don’t Want To Be A Bride

Yes yesterday was a day off and yes it was good. I slept in of course, and got up an hour later since I changed every clock except for the alarm clock which is probably the most important clock to set. It didn’t matter much since I figured out what had happened or did not happen and went back to sleep for another hour.

Still I was up earlier than I anticipated and proceeded to get my day started. A trip to the supermarket and soon I was home having breakfast and reading the papers. Bill was driving a bus for the first time in two months.

A trip to Nanuet then to Sylvia’s Restaurant in Harlem and finally a ride to see Sister Act on Broadway. Yesterday was the Artists Studio Tour in Hoboken and I had arranged to take off and attend, to visit some good friends.

I walked up to Maxwells where Rand and Lisa were hosting the Kirby Enthusiasm event. Chaz Charas was there so it was good to see all three. Not much of a turn out while I was there I’m afraid. Mike Cecchini arrived to relieve Rand and Lisa who were off to the Biergarten in Hoboken. I made tentative plans to meet up with Mike tomorrow on my day off again.

From Maxwells I went to Neumann Leather where Tim Daly was working and his wife Sheilah Scully was there too. Some catching up with them and a visit to other artists in the building. A phone call to Annemarie then a walk to the first building I lived in at 201 Madison Street where I saw Hiro Takeshita. He was a bit under the weather so I did not stay long.

A short break at home to upload photos I had taken and then I was out again, this time to the Monroe Art Center where Lois was performing and my neighbor Deborah was supposed to be singing. But Monroe Art Center is a big old industrial building and it’s very easy to get lost in there.

I wound up hanging out with Lois and she played the violin and I played some guitar and a little bit of piano. I said my goodbyes after about an hour and walked on home to a nice dinner. Then it was watching TV and surfing the net. Bill expected to be home around 11:00 but was home at 9:00 in time to watch Boardwalk Empire.

Then he went to sleep and I stayed up for a few hours more, watching Pan Am and then the news and then a documentary on A Tribe Called Quest. I haven’t finsihed it yet and I understand Q-Tip did not want to have anything to to do with the finished result.

I don’t see why since he comes off as quite intelligent and reasonable. Phife Dog, not so much but Ali Shaheed Mohammed is crazy cute. I intend to finish watching it tonight when I get home.

And now I am home, poor Bill. My baby is so exhausted. He never rests. And after a few weeks of that he crashes hard. And that is what he is doing right now. A day off for me tomorrow which is nice. I’m looking forward to it. And today wasn’t so bad.






I Don’t Want To Be

At work right now, been a longish day at the cigar shack. Last night was alright, Bill Maher with Bill and then he was off to bed. I stayed up a little while longer. I looked up an old friend, no longer a friend online.

He hasn’t aged well judging by the picture but he was the number one employee at a Jewish nursing home in Bergen County. I was happy to see he was doing alright. My brother Brian into him a few years ago and to my surprise he was asking about me. Brian relayed the message and I in turn told Brian all about the falling out between us.

Basically this guy was the first person I ever came out to regarding my sexuality. What prompted the coming out was his then girlfriend asking me if I thought this guy was gay. I didn’t know but decided to broach the subject one night in the 1980’s when driving around and smoking pot.

He wasn’t gay but I told him I was and since we were working together in that book warehouse in Saddle Brook NJ, and with my mother working in the office I asked this guy not to say anything about my sexuality. Well he told his dotty girlfriend who also worked in the warehouse and she told two friends and so on and so on.

The next day I went to work half the people I was friends with were no longer my friends. My secret was out and it was then I discovered who my real friends were. As far as I know my mother was kept from this truth until it fell to me to tell her and the rest of my family the truth.

My sister did ask once in the late 1970’s if I was gay, since I had no girlfriends and my first instinct was to lie lie lie. I was going to an all boy’s high school and a regional high school at that, so no friends from school male or female were in my vicinity.

There was Paul Slavin who lived in the next town a few blocks away but I never hung out with him since he was so snobby. There was also a gay cruising area between, my house and Paul’s house and whenever I said I was going to Paul’s house I would usually be waylaid and laid on the way.

A few years later, my father had time on his hands due to retirement and while wandering through his house and into my room, discovered some gay porn. I thought it was alright since my brothers had Playboy and Penthouse in their rooms but who was I kidding besides myself?

I neglected to mention the night of my first anxiety attack. I was going to see the Who with my brother Frank and while waiting for him to pick me up in 1979, I got into a fight with my constant nemesis Brian. Brian dropped the bomb on me, telling me he was going to tell our parents about the magazines under my bed and that I was a pervert.

Frank couldn’t arrive to pick me up fast enough (then again he never could) and the ride was mainly me sitting in the passenger seat as he smoked weed and I maintained my silent nervous breakdown. Brian never brought it up again.

So eventually my dad found the mags and he told my mom, who told Frank, who told Annemarie who told Brian and when it came to me I had no choice to own the truth. Yes I am gay, and I have to leave. I didn’t have to leave but I did if I was going to live my life the way I wanted to.






Bronski Beat – Smalltown Boy 12 Inch Version

I Don’t Want This Night To End

Just got home after a pretty good day. It all started last night I guess with Juan coming over for a few beers for his birthday. It was good to see him and my anxiety over him coming over was all for naught. There was simply no need for that, he’s a dear friend to me, and Bill likes him a whole lot as well.

He came over at 9:30 just as he planned. And I am happy to report that Juan has a boyfriend, someone I can’t wait to meet. It was good to see Juan happy and I have to say I haven’t laughed so much in what seems to be a long time.

At midnight though I realized I was drunk and I am really no drinker these days. I had a ten hour shift ahead of me today and sadly I had to send Juan on his way. Tonight he is back in South Jersey or maybe in Philadelphia with his boyfriend.

I woke up with a slight hang over after not having any difficulty falling asleep. A headache made its presence known and it was dispatched with a couple of Advil. Cereal and coffee after the shower and soon I was headed out the door to the bus stop yet again.

Across the street from the bus stop sat Rand having a meeting of sorts in Stacks. He took my picture and I couldn’t figure out how until after a few minutes, and then when I spotted him, shook my fist at him in a faux rage. Deborah, downstairs neighbor once again got on at the next stop and we chatted. I was definitely in good spirits, much better than Wednesday and we shared a few laughs as we sped through the tunnel.

We parted ways and I waited on the platform for the train, staying far away from some crank who was shouting about who knows what. It was Frank Burns and Jerry vale today at the cigar shack and it was good to work with Jerry Vale. Frank Burns was as effeminate as he usually is. I never noticed how swish he can be.

It is weird to work with a Xanax snorting son of morticians. I keep trying to engage him in conversation and asked him what he and his cousin did after they left the cigar shack during the World Series and he confessed that they had sex. I didn’t bat an eye, I suppose it was his attempt at wit. But as ever it was more of the wit of a nit.

A few customers have come up to me in the past as well as today and told me about how much they can’t stand Frank Burns. In fact when I called him Frank Burns it got a few belly laughs. But that’s neither here nor there.

He left at 7:30 as his schedule allowed and then came back almost an hour later ostensibly to spy on me and Jerry Vale reporting to the guy who manages the cigar shack who is somewhere out on Long Island for the past couple of days attending a management seminar.

Frank Burns didn’t stay long and more than likely headed off to the nearest buddy booth. Jerry Vale and I had a few laughs as we set about closing the store. Thomas is due in tomorrow to work alongside me and Frank Burns so that should make it interesting, Frank Burns working with two co-workers that he really can’t boss around.

I certainly look forward to seeing Thomas tomorrow as we have a few important items to discuss.












03 – Electronic – Disappointed – Cool World

I Don’t Want A Lover

A day off and I did my best to keep myself busy and stay out of my way. I am not so sure it worked out that well. Yesterday or rather last night after posting I was in a funk. It wasn’t as bad as it was yesterday afternoon but still it wasn’t so good either.

Bill was fast asleep when I came home, he did offer to stay awake until I returned but I told him not to. He needed his sleep, he hasn’t had enough of it lately. Maybe it’s the change of seasons, maybe it’s the days getting shorter but he’s been quite fatigued and I’ve been skating awfully close to the abyss.

So with some melatonin I was able to sleep soundly next to Bill. He was up and out long before I roused myself from sleep. A goodbye kiss for the day, me telling Bill he looked good (said with groggy eyes and no glasses on, but it was true) and Bill telling me I looked adorable, hair askew and with morning dragon breath.

I decided last night I was going to do something instead of walking around Hoboken or merely staying indoors all day being depressed. I needed to do something on the cheap since I am skint, so I decided to recharge my creative batteries and head over to the art galleries in Chelsea. After coffee and breakfast I headed to the bus stop.

Decided to do my walking in Manhattan rather than the mile square city, so I walked down the avenues and over to the far west side. I have a subscription to Time Out New York, my former roommate had a gift subscription and forwarded it to me. I rarely read it and for what could be the first time since January I actually picked it up and read it.

I noticed there was a show at 27th Street and 10th Avenue, somehow related to King Kong which definitely appealed to the boy I used to be, as well as the man who went to see Peter Jackson’s great remake in 2005. I enjoyed a cigar as I strolled through mostly deserted side streets and found the gallery on the corner.

It was closed for an installation which was a disappointment and I almost took it as a sign that I should just turn around and go home. But since I was there already I decided to just wander around the streets of Chelsea and see what I could see. I did see a Keith Haring print exhibition advertised so I aimed for that.

I enjoyed Keith Haring’s stuff back in the day and I figured I could use that to make me feel better. It was an entertaining show, a few things that I had never seen before. The major thing was a recreation of the Pop Shop and I wasn’t sure if there T-Shirts were really on sale for $20.00 or was it merely part of the 1990’s simulation.

Some other shows were checked out, and I saw something Warhol related so I really had to check it out. It was a good couple of hours spent wandering around the galleries but overall it left me whelmed. A few shows were getting ready for installations and their opening parties tonight, including the King Kong show. I probably could have gotten in, but after a few hours of walking I was tired.

A walk back to the bus terminal, a cheap taco bought and inhaled near the depot and soon I was home again. Bill just walked in and now I have someone to hug and hug me back.











I Don’t Wanna Stop

I never really cared for Joy Division, though I did prefer New Order. Maybe I just didn’t like Ian Curtis’ voice. I still don’t. Maybe 2 or 3 songs by Joy Division and that’s about it. Right now I seem to be ina Manchester bands mood, mainly the big 3. New Order, The Fall and The Smiths. But that is most definitely neither here nor there. So since I have nothing at all worthwhile to say, it’s time for some navel gazing, or for a certain few, navel grazing.

November 2, 2005 was all about Sandra Bullock. That was when I was being kind about the one later called Bleedin’ Hope. It was definitely a stretch and true to my old self, I lurched into surrealist territory. That’s where I found my bearings when I was but a twenty something youth in Asia. The Sandra Bulwark was last spotted in San Francisco selling hand bags and glad rags to women with too much money. I gave up the ghost years ago and her mention here is merely a byproduct of what happened 6 years ago with my Breton inspired pen.

November 2, 2006 had me working at Wolff Olins, getting out early to see a dentist who gave me quite an exorbitant estimate for some work. I balked and skipped away and came home and readied myself to see the Slits at Maxwells that night. The Slits were phenomenal and I regret today not going up to Ari Up and thanking her for everything she had done for me and for music. I was quite happy to see them and it was a good evening at Maxwells, seeing a few old pals. The future was still relatively bright.

November 2, 2007 had me working in midtown again on a ship which later turned out to be the Lusitania. I was catching buses at 7:10 in the morning which seems far out to me now, though of course I would be willing to do it again if the job was right. Forget about the money being right, it’s all about the job. Harpy broke his heel a few weeks previously in 2007 and I ventured up to Washington Heights to see the fabulous invalid. A case of beer and a few packs of Marlboros is what I brought. I should visit him again, but that would involve actually going somewhere besides work or my apartment.

November 2, 2008 was mainly a review of the B-52’s show at the Hammerstein Ballroom the night before. It was a Sunday so it was definitely before I stopped writing on Sundays. Bill and I had a drink at a pre-fab Irish pub nearby and I was wearing my Obama as Superman shirt which got a lot of compliments. The show was great, Bill and I were buzzing and dancing. Keith Strickland reminded everyone to Barack the Vote which a great majority of us actually did.

November 2, 2009 had me wallowing in unemployment. No jobs to be had despite my endless searching which carries on somewhat to this day. The post has something resembling a political slant, as well as my decision to vote for Jon Corzine and definitely not for Chris Christie. That didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped. Some wandering around Hoboken occurred as well and that also carries on to this day.

November 2, 2010 had some computer problems which probably gave Bill the idea to get me a new computer for Christmas rather than have me use his Mac which still rarely gets used. Three candidates in other states lost their elections, people that I did not care for in Connecticut, New York and Delaware. I wrote about some people at Guggenheim Partners who interviewed me a few times and opted for a door stop instead. I was bitter but I got over it, and changed their names. And once again it was the day before Juan’s birthday. Juan might just make an appearance tomorrow, but we shall see about that in due time.

A day off tomorrow which should be good for all concerned.




Also, totally unrelated to the relatable, as an artist he is a good cigar seller.
06 – The End of the World