Archive for September, 2010

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I Want to Stand Forever

Thursday, September 30th, 2010

Life above the trees. On the fifth floor where Bill and I live, we are above the tree line on our block. No worries about branches coming through. It’s quite windy out so there’s always the threat of dead or weakened branches falling down and clobbering someone.

I had lunch today outdoors at my usual spot on Central Park West, eying the trees above me. It wasn’t raining and it wasn’t too windy but still a few people have been killed in the park by falling branches.

It was a weird day. Didn’t start out that way of course. I was anxious. Calvin was out yesterday and it wasn’t so bad. Today he would be back. I made it to work on time, determined to be ‘cheerful’. I walked into the store, surprised to hear Roots Reggae being played.

I walked by Calvin and said ‘good morning’, walked by Marcus and said ‘hello’. I asked about the music and apparently Martino Basher is a reggae fan and used some of his dough and recorded a reggae CD. It was horribly produced. I would have rated it a ‘D’.

The day was weird in the sense that the other day I was accused of being too silent while working, today it was Calvin playing the role of the mute guy. He wasn’t talking to me. That was fine.

Marcus asked me to fill an order that came in. I filled out the order, the total coming to over $1000.00. As I completed the order I asked Marcus if I should put his name on the sale. He said no. I did the work, I should get the commission. Plus being the general manager, Marcus doesn’t get a commission.

I did my best today, not caring about the commission and wound up selling over $5000.00 worth of goods. Left Calvin in the dust, though it wasn’t my intention and I didn’t care. A couple of rich, drunken Russians came in and dropped a bundle, as did a snooty couple from Barcelona.

Calvin sulked. Sean eventually came in, bringing the energy that a 20 year old young man has. I’m enjoying our relationship since we’ve agreed upon our common enemy. Calvin spent some time later in the afternoon rearranging the schedule since now there is a replacement for Raymond.

Some bloke named Bradley. When Calvin came back out he was quite chatty. Sean hipped me to the fact that Calvin likes to drink and after a few under his belt his whole mood changed and asked me what I thought about Marton Basher’s reggae debacle.

I explained that it was so badly produced and played him If DJ Was Your Trade, a Blood and Fire Records compilation. Deep, heavy dub from the 1970′s. Calvin said he loved it and was really getting into it. I also mentioned that Mick Hucknall from Simply Red loved Dub so much that he co-created a label to release these platters again.

And soon after that Calvin went home, leaving Sean & I to mind the store. It was a fast 2.5 hours. And a walk from the cigar shop to the bus terminal, from Sunshine Superman to Cherchez La Femme to I Feel Love, taking me 18 minutes, 32 seconds.

Not my best time, but somewhat leisurely, if 2 minutes can be counted as leisure.

I also stopped by and saw Julio & Stine. Stine made some meat sauce and had extra. She feels I am getting too thin and Julio commented that my suit looked big on me. I am happy and will reheat the meat sauce tomorrow since now it’s too late.

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I Throw My Toys Around

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

So tired again. Been a long day but not such a bad day. Calvin was out and that made all the difference. He wasn’t missed. Not by me, not by Don and not by Sean.

Things went smoothly and I did not have to listen to his crap jazz all day long. I did not have to listen to his nervous laugh after almost every goddamned thing he says. Oh how a punch in the throat is called for when that nervous laugh is heard.

And it didn’t rain today. I had a nice breakfast, some coffee and as part of my morning routine, sent out resumes. Macy’s? Unloading trucks for the holidays? Sure, why not? Selling books at Borders? OK! I also went back on my rule not to use Craigslist to look for jobs.

The job that I left after 2 days in February despite Sally Maurice’s freakout, well they’re still looking to fill that position. Makes me feel good to know that I left a bad job at the right time, before I signed anything.

Perhaps it’s a good thing that I’m working a shitty job, since when I started this shitty job I was out of work for so long that I wasn’t prepared mentally, at least not 100%, to go back to work. Now, I feel like I’m ready for anything.

Bill has been incredibly supportive. I can only hope I can be the same for him if and when he needs support.

Still I am tired. As the work day wound down I found myself getting despondent with the fact that I’ll be working with Calvin the next two days, in fact it will be just me and him on one of those days.

Lately I close the store by myself. I have my system, my flow. When Calvin is around I can’t do those things, like put the receipts in an envelope. That has to be done at 9:00, not 8:50 as I sometimes do.

Doesn’t make sense since if there is another sale in those 10 minutes, the other receipts will be put in the envelope anyhow. It’s ridiculous.

But I did contact some cousins of mine with regards to finding new employment. Cousins from both sides of the family. I’ve never asked any family for help in getting a job but times are different and it’s best to throw everything at the proverbial wall and see if anything sticks.

And so the family wall is also brought in.

Even applying to see if I can find work with the USO, but nothing is in the NYC area. Plenty of volunteer opportunities, but I need to get paid. Something has to give. Plenty of resumes out there. Holiday season approaches.

I know I’m not alone in all of this. Lot’s of people are out of work still. If I can find something different, I’d gladly let those unemployed people take my job at the cigar shop, but I would give them a word of advice beforehand.

Like don’t trust Calvin. At all.

from where I sit



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I Hope You’re Happy Now

Tuesday, September 28th, 2010

Well today was a fucked up day, and it didn’t have to be. Calvin assumes the lead character, named after vaginal slang. It started out alright. Decided not to rely on the Xanax and started off the day slowly. It was drizzly out again but I was lucky enough that it stopped once I headed out to the bus stop.

Enjoyed a nice cigar while I waited and kept my distance from the sensitive people. Rode the bus in, stared out the window. Got to the bus terminal, and hopped onto the subway, listening to Pylon, Chomp.

Ran an errand when I got off the subway, making me about 5 minutes late. No worries I figured since I am always early. There was Calvin busy filling in a phone order. I got myself together and opened my register.

Calvin had a project for me. He wants me to connect with a store nearby which specializes in shaving accoutrements. Something about having a shave and a cigar. Something that I’d really rather not do.

I did know that Sean knew the guy who ran the shop and started to say that Sean was tight with the guy, when Calvin shut me down saying ‘Sean is stupid. Sean is a part timer.’ Wow. Here is the manager (really the assistant manager, too busy sniffing Marcus’ butt to actually become the manager) putting down a co-worker, calling him stupid. Nice managerial style.

It was off-putting to say the least, enough so that I mainly kept quiet. Raymond mentioned that Calvin always talked shit about people when they weren’t around, and here was Calvin now asking if I was going to be like Don Birch.

Quiet and doing my job, not joshing around like I usually do. I’m sure he calls me ‘the homo’ when I’m not around. He asked if I was alright and I said I had heard from the US State department twice yesterday.

I did.

I applied for 2 government positions and they replied that they received my resume. It was quiet after that, Calvin raking in the big commissions. You can bet that he does not make a 1/3 of 1% commission. I windexed glass.

I’m out of the commission competition business. I just don’t care. It was loud crap jazz music all day at the shop. I made it to lunch and told Bill what was going on in the shop. He was surprised to say the least. Before I went back to work, I took a Xanax.

Sean was in by that time. I eventually told him what Calvin said. That caused Sean to keep making jokes about how stupid he is. Every little mistake that he made, he blamed it on being stupid.

Calvin stole a customer from me. Right from under my nose. I rang up some pricey cigars and Calvin added a lighter to the bill, removing my name and putting his name in my place. I took refuge with Sean in the humidor.

Marcus made it back to the shop in the late afternoon. Apparently, the shop next door was complaining about the smell of cigar smoke. So some technicians came in to check the air while Marcus smoked a cigar in the back room and Calvin rimmed his ass.

They were going to the Carnegie Club to have cigars afterward and who knows what else. Sean and I closed the shop, friends again, now that we have a common enemy. Calvin. Starts with a ‘C’.

My Ernie


His Bert

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I Almost Had A Weakness

Monday, September 27th, 2010

Here is a recap of sorts. Had off yesterday, Sunday. Had a dream before waking up, where I was in Lodi, in the house that I grew up in, or more likely in the backyard with the family dog, Bojo. Bojo was not really himself.

Looked like the beagle terrier mutt that he was but he was happy and without of of the neuroses that the actual Bojo had. He was pleasant to be around, like a dog you see on TV. That’s how I woke up.

Yesterday was the day off. Laundry done and not much else. Just farted around. I went out for a bit but it was drizzly and decided to come home after returning The Lovely Bones DVD to the bibliothèque. It was not the laugh riot that I expected.

Actually I was not expecting any laughs, I knew what was going to happen and I wasn’t much in the mood for child rape and murder. Call me old fashioned. I actually rented it since the score was by Brian Eno but most of the songs were songs that I already had.

From what I gathered, the last song in the movie was a piece from 1973 and updated for the movie, but I didn’t get that far and figured the movie would be on cable eventually. I watched Boardwalk Empire but feel I enjoy it more when Bill is watching it with me, and he wasn’t home.

He was home in time to watch Mad Men, but didn’t see the whole thing, going to bed midway through. I eventually joined him around 12:30 and tossed and turned for an hour. Couldn’t fall asleep.

Couldn’t help but think of other jobs that I had. When I go on interviews, no matter what I usually freeze at the end, when they ask me if I have any questions for them. ‘Do I look fat in this?’, turns out to be not such a good question.

Nor is asking if their gender reassignment was an easy process to go through. I did come up with some valid questions, such as, ‘How many people are in the firm?’ ‘How many people will I be supporting?’ And my favorite, ‘What’s for lunch?’

Bill was out again this morning earlier than I was. It was pouring rain outside, which made for good sleeping in weather. I bargained with myself and got 15 extra minutes. Got up listening to Ben E. King singing ‘Stand By Me’.

I took that to be a good sign as I walked to the shower after making some coffee and pouring out a bowl of cereal. When I walked back in the bedroom, the Fabs were singing All You Need is Love. Another good sign I hoped.

Soon I was out the door, happy that it wasn’t raining just then. Everything was wet. Onto the bus and out into the terminal, down the stairs and onto the subway platform where a guy was playing I Me Mine. Not your every day Beatles song you hear busking.

I gave him a buck and hopped onto the train. When I got off at my stop, it was pouring out. No place to hang around before heading in, so I went in. The usual characters, the usual paranoia.

And since it was raining I had to spend my time indoors, in the cigar shop, which wasn’t so bad after all. I had my nose buried in a book but was drawn into a conversation about the state of pop music today.

It was agreed that hip hop doesn’t have much of a shelf life.

yesterday's me

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I Wish I Were Blind

Saturday, September 25th, 2010

Another splendid day. Things just keep getting better and better. Makes all the whining about the job seem pointless. Bill was on his way home when I woke up so there was no good morning kiss when I woke up.

I showered and had coffee. Not enough milk for cereal, but no worries. Love love love cools down a cup of hot coffee enough. A shower, some email and then Bill walked through the door with more love and bagels too.

A nice walk to the bus stop, sunny morning pleasant enough. The loveliest bunch of commuters on the bus, some wearing my favorite sports team t shirts and jerseys, god bless those New York Yankees.

In Manhattan, a walk up the avenue, handsome and good looking people eating brunch. Even the homeless people looked fabulous. Cute little dogs pooping and pissing wherever they want was adorable. I stopped by the farmers market again, buying cookies which I decided once again to keep to myself, not sharing with my co-workers.

They just give so much, but I decided to hide them away. It was Don and Sean again. Don was in good spirits really and Sean was suffering from a hangover. He had gone out with Raymond and a few other people last night and being 20 years old and quite stupid, was suffering from a hangover.

He spent the day as expected, staring into space and doing as little as possible. I tried to engage him, get him to do things to help pass the time but he was incredibly reluctant to do anything.

He did ask me to pick up cigarettes for him in NJ since they’re half as much money and bring them into the city, but there was no incentive to do it. And I think he’s a little turd. Carrying packs of Newport 100′s as a mule just wasn’t going to cut it.

Don and I did have a laugh about the fact that about 25 years ago, the only people that smoked 100′s were women. Now it’s all thugs and thug wannabes. Of course it was a different world 25 years ago, and better in one sense that Sean wasn’t born yet.

A chat with Annemarie was brief with unease on both sides. It was upsetting on my end and so much so, that though I decided not to have a Xanax since neither Calvin or Marcus were in, I took one. Took the edge off of things once again, but then again I had to deal with Sean.

The 19 year old that he’s fooling around with was hanging around the store, keeping her invalid boyfriend company before he sent her away, opting to fall asleep in the back room. For some reason I continued to try to engage Sean, suggesting that he do things, take a walk around the block, get some fresh air and even suggesting that he leave work early, claiming sickness.

No, staring into space was the thing to do in his case, perhaps praying to the god who’s rosary beads are tattooed on his forearm. Praying and perhaps complaining about how bored he is certainly didn’t pass the time.

Calvin and his wife and kid stopped by the store, on their way to a jazz concert in nearby. Subjecting a child to jazz just sounds so cruel. Don was too busy being invisible and once he left at 7:30 I did my best to stay away from Sean as much as possible.

Stayed in the backroom while he looked at his shoes in the front of the store. Counted the money in the safe a few times as well, and put all the presidents faces in the same order.

It’s humorous, Sean is trying to get a job at Coach, the high end whatever store. He asked me a week or so ago if he could put me down as a reference. I agreed, willing to help.

Lately, I wonder what I would say if I get a call for a reference. Perhaps I could say I was an adviser to him by court order for a shoplifting charge. Sure it’s a lie, but then again so are parts of this entry.








I blame it all, on those nights on Broadway.
And no entry tomorrow.

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I Don’t Care

Friday, September 24th, 2010

Oh it was quite a lovely day. The sun came up and Bill kissed me goodbye once again. He was looking quite nice in his work attire. From out of nowhere a puppy dog came running in and licked his face, then an hour later that same puppy dog ran in and licked me awake before vanishing into thin air.

I made some excellent coffee and fixed myself a bowl of Lucky Charms before stepping into the shower. It was a wonderful shower, one of the best ever. I think in the history of indoor plumbing, you would be hard pressed to have a shower as utterly fantastic as the one that I had this morning.

I dried my hair and got into some clean underwear and sat and had some coffee and ate my frosted moons and marshmallow clovers and read the bible. Such a good book it is. Read some emails after that and watched the Today show where Al Roker and Barbara Corcoran talked about some really fabulous real estate throughout the country.

Property that is exquisite and that I hope to own someday. It was uncanny, how did they know I desired a mansion in Greenwich, CT with a man made pond so near the horse stables? Uncanny. I soon donned my gray flannel suit and headed out to the bus stop.

A foggy day to start out with, but the sun promised to come out and shine shine shine. And it did. I walked to the subway, smiling at my fellow riders and got off at my stop. I was early so I sat in the shadow of a skyscraper and talked to Bill for a few minutes on the phone.

Soon I was skipping over to the cigar shop, greeting Don who was behind the register. Marcus and Calvin were in the middle of an interview with a amiable young man and the next interview, another amiable young man paced around the shop waiting for his turn at bat. Young amiable man exited and the second took his place.

I rang up sales with Don and the day was progressing nicely. About 45 minutes later the second interviewee left and Marcus and Calvin hunkered down in the the office while Don and I competed for that 1/3 of 1% commission.

Things were progressing nicely when Calvin came out and told me to go to the humidor and do the work that Sean was supposed to do yesterday. That took me out of the running for the commissions, allowing Calvin who more than likely gets more than 1/3 of 1% commission to get whatever I would have earned, but at a lesser rate.

So I was off the floor doing a part timer’s job (Sean will be in tomorrow, probably too busy cleaning his nails with an exacto knife to to the job himself) So Calvin decided to move me off the floor. I didn’t care really. I even told Don that the 1/3 of 1% commission is bullshit and didn’t care for it anymore.

I was able to head out for lunch allowing Calvin to take his 2.5 hour lunch/smoke a cigar/have a drink break. I spoke with Bill again but he was rushed since he was trying to leave his job early so he could drive to Atlantic City again.

I made it back to work and went back into the humidor. Where I usually pick out most of the music in the store I decided to let Calvin have his way and listen to that dead music, that jazz. He left the shop about an hour after Don and finally I played some music made in the past 5 years by living people.

I left the store, not caring about much at all, and now here I am, caring even less.

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