Daily Archives: November 13, 2009

Hymn of the Big Wheel

Well today is a better day. It’s because I took a Xanax. Now some people frown upon the fact that I occasionally take a Xanax, but then again those people haven’t set foot in my size 12’s.

And what those people think actually has an effect on me taking some medication to feel better. Today I decided to ignore their opinions, worries and fears and it’s not a surprise that I actually feel better.

It’s my choice and I try not to judge what other people do in their lives or what they might do to make them happy, but I can safely say over the past few days I’ve never felt as despondent as I have. I appreciate their worry and concern but I do have to look out for myself first.

And I’m glad that I did.

Whether or not they’re glad about the reason I’m feeling better is something that I obviously cannot be concerned about. And it’s not like I take a Xanax every day, maybe one every two weeks at best.

Last night was a roller coaster of emotion for me. Bill came home after having deep tissue massage on his knees and we chatted a bit. At one point I decided to open myself up and actually tell him what was going on in my mind.

I told him how depressed I was and said a few other things, open ended stuff, hoping for some sort of feedback. I never got it. So my last statement on that matter was ‘this was my attempt to open up and talk about what is going on with me.’

That seemed to have gone unheard.

It hurt and reminded me of my Arcade Fire meltdown with my brother Frank. I was losing it and needed to talk to Frank about it, but he wasn’t having it, thinking I was baiting him for an argument. I am a firm believer in talking things out, but if there is no one responding to what I am talking about, it is basically useless.

Sure there are a few friends I can call, but even then I go unheard and wind up listening to everything they have to say about themselves with little or no input on my end. I generally would like to talk about what is going on with me.

If I believed in therapy for myself that would be the way to go, but since I don’t, it is not the way for me. Anyone else gets something out of therapy is fine, but for me it requires too much of a commitment that I am willing to make.

I was fairly distant with Bill most of the night. We watched all the comedy shows on NBC. Community was funny, Parks and Recreation not so much. The Office was OK as was 30 Rock, but those could be attributed to my lousy mood.

Bill went to bed soon after that and gave me a hug which was when he noticed that I wasn’t doing so well. I then explained what was going on, how I said I was so depressed and needed to hear some feedback from him and that since I didn’t I shut down and realized that whatever I was feeling, I would have to work through it on my own.

And perhaps even if Bill was there for me in that sense, I would still have to work through it on my own. He looked crestfallen and I felt bad dropping that on him before he went to bed.

Not that it kept him awake. As soon as his head hits the pillow he is out. This morning, Bill did make it a point to say he would be more attentive to my situation when he’s at home and in my groggy haze of the morning I told him I appreciated it and also apologized for my timing.

I should have brought it up right away when it was happening rather than feeling hurt and shutting down most forms of communication. I usually try to do that, but last night I was too far gone.

And like I said, I am better now.

Just got a phone call from my former boss Ashish. His first words? ‘Sounds like you’ve been drinking!’ Why does everyone think I drink all the time? He said I could use him as a reference which was gracious of him.