Hello. Tonight’s entry is from the loneliest guy on the East Coast. I would have said the world but there are probably plenty of lonely guys around. So I’ll take the east coast for myself, thank you. Tonight was supposed to be a fun evening. Unfortunately it didn’t turn out that way. The day started out quite nicely. Bill was here, we watched The Savages which hit home for Bill, having been through the situation of having a parent with dementia.
I enjoyed the movie too, if it can be called enjoyment. Just that I was able to see things in the movie that I hadn’t seen the first time around, like Laura Linney’s facial expressions or Philip Seymour Hoffman’s mannerisms. Went to bed after that, Bill joined me soon after. It was bliss having him laying there. I was fast asleep and didn’t hear him come to bed. Woke up and it was good to see him there next to me. I had picked out what I was going to wear to work, something extra special since Bill and I were invited to a shindig down on Wall Street that his cousin Elsie invited us to.
I had known about this for a week or so so I was looking forward to it, as was Bill. We haven’t had any good celebrations or parties to go to so this was going to be fun. The ride to work was pleasant, the weather was great. The office filled up, I was somewhat busy, running errands, even sent a small package to Annemarie, it was a good day. Everything seemed to be up up up. That should have been the warning sign. I got out of work at 4:30. Bill told me he was going to get out, maybe 5:00, more likely 5:30. No problem.
It was a nice enough afternoon. I wandered around puffing on a Padron, and found myself outside of Bill’s office building at 5:20. I called Bill, he still had some things to do. I mentioned seeing him in 10 minutes. 30 minutes later I was tired of standing on the sidewalk in dress shoes. Padron was finished so I called Bill’s desk and left a message, telling him I was going to be in Bryant Park waiting. Sure enough, after I found a seat in the park, Bill calls. By now, I’m tired and hungry but willing to go have a good time.
Bill showed up and I mentioned that I should have waited in the park rather than outside Bill’s building, seeing everyone going home, walking to the bus terminal. From out of nowhere, Bill says ‘if it’s going to be like this for the rest of the night I want to know now!’ I repeat that I should have waited in the park. He repeats himself just as angry as the first time he said it. So we start walking to the subway, not really speaking with each other. Bill did say, he was inundated with work at the last minute, all excuses, no apology.
No, ‘sorry, but it wasn’t my fault, they threw a lot of things at me at the last minute’. No that would’ve been the nice thing to say. Bill asked how my day was and I gave a thumbs up, saying it was perfect. That was the wrong thing to say, since he heard it as having attitude. I didn’t intend for it to be attitude, and what if it was? He showed quite an angry attitude with his ‘tell me now’ shit. That effectively killed any conversation between the 2 of us for the evening. And also his imitating of me with my thumbs up and saying ‘perfect’ didn’t help matters at all.
I sat next to Bill and we barely said a word. In fact, I talked to the waiter more than I talked to Bill. I told Bill’s cousin that I was going to be leaving after the dinner since I had to take a train home and after a certain hour, you have to transfer in Jersey City. With the night I was having, sitting in the middle of a party, not talking to anyone, much less my partner, sitting 6 inches to my left, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Bill’s cousin said she and her husband were leaving at 9:30, taking a town car home.
At 9:00 I made my exit, kissing Bill’s cousin good night and thanking her for the invitation. I looked at Bill and said ‘see ya’. I walked to the Path train, wishing there was someone I could talk to. I don’t think I ever felt as lonely as I did tonight. I tried calling Annemarie a few times, but she was out. I probably worried my nephew Earl since I called 3 times. I thought it pathetic, the only person I felt I could talk to was 3000 miles away.
Forget about local friends, Julio and Stine have Alexander, Roda has his son, Rand has his own thing going on, and Harpy, has his own problems. Everyone seemed to have real, more pressing matters at hand, including Annemarie, who has probably the most serious, the realest problems with her husband Rex and his heart procedure coming up, and here I am, ‘boo hoo. My partner isn’t talking to me’. Sometimes I just feel so pathetic. I did eventually talk to Annemarie and that helped, as did scribbling in my notebook on the Path train home.
I also called Bill and we had it out somewhat. He wasn’t going to call me. I did tell him that my ‘perfect’ thumbs up may have been seen and heard as snotty, but it wasn’t. His ‘tell me now’ crap was pure anger. And he never apologized for being late. I had to tell him that all he had to say was ‘sorry, but it wasn’t my fault’ and I think the concept escaped him. Jeezy creezy, when did I become such a pathetic loser? Or was I always that way and being alone just brought it all home tonight? Bill’s pride in non-communication certainly did not help.
Seriously, what the fuck?