Daily Archives: March 8, 2006

Army of Me

Jeez. Such pain, such exhaustion. Work was nearly a meltdown. Just so many people wanting things from me which I have to give, tasks, supplies, phone numbers, conference rooms among others. And give I do. I need a break and I need a new job. I should take a break before I get a new job. That is if a new job ever materializes.

Bill and I made plans to see Dave Chapelle’s Block Party tonight. I was into it, and then I wasn’t into it. Last night I mentioned I’d rather see the movie next week and Bill was cool with that. He was going to the Bronx tonight and his parents tomorrow night so I wasn’t going to see him until Friday. I understand that 48 hours is no big deal and it really isn’t. But with the day I was going through I needed to see him, to be with him, so I suggested seeing the movie as originally planned. Tonight.

I knew it would entail sitting in the dark and not talking to each other but I needed some comfort, some hand to hold mine and perhaps tell me everything was going to be ok. I walked down to 42nd street to meet him and he was happy to see me. I was pissed off since people weren’t walking the way I wanted them to walk and kept breaking my stride. After the day I had, the little things became big things. Oh how a joint would’ve helped. Or a drink, or something to alter my consciousness.

I saw Bill and he knew how I was. I mentioned my libido, which is out of control yet under control. So friggin horny lately and not doing anything about it. And there have been quite a few men that trigger the libido. Not doing anything at all about it. An attempt at being master of my domain.

Bill didn’t seem to want to hear it. He brought up the old try/do situation and it started to break down into semantics. And of course that led to a few words and ended with me shutting down. I was exhausted from the day and not sleeping properly (writing this while a fucking commercial for Lunesta plays in the background).

I know Bill was really into seeing the movie and I didn’t want to ruin it for him but probably affected his enjoyment through my passive aggressive behavior.

I probably should’ve eaten something but didn’t. Just became morose. The big theatre was empty as we took our seats and by the time the movie started maybe a dozen people were seated. Don’t ask me how the movie was. I couldn’t focus. Having difficulty focusing on big screens for the past couple of years. I mean, the movie was ok, but I was in discomfort in my mind and body. The job has been stressing bodily functions, and I was getting a headache from lack of food and my mind was distressed over the fact that I couldn’t get from Bill what I wanted to hear.

Oh my own personal hell, how nice. I sat through the movie, wanting to go to the bathroom, but just couldn’t bring myself to walk out during the showing. So I sat and got more uncomfortable. I don’t know why. I wasn’t terribly engrossed. I even tried to close my eyes and catch some sleep but there’s a lot of rap music playing, which doesn’t really lend itself to soothing, relaxing sounds.

There were some scenes of Dave Chapelle in Ohio, his hometown and I felt I wanted to be there in Ohio. Not New York, not New Jersey. Ohio. Like I’d last more than a month there. The novelty of living out there would probably wear off after awhile, and it’s a red state anyway.

After the movie I went to the bathroom, which filled up and caused me to be pee shy. So like I usually do, I feigned peeing and walked out and waited for the men’s room to empty. Once it did I was able to pee with no pressure except for the pressure on my bladder.

I walked Bill to the 2 train so he can head to the Bronx. We talked and Bill was supportive and understanding. I was tired and felt like I was losing my mind. Hungry from lack of food, tired from the day I told him about how I felt everything was out of control and how I felt like I was losing my mind.

We hugged and parted ways after a few minutes. I did luck out and caught a bus but of course that wasn’t comfortable since I was wedged into the last seat on a crowded bus. Julio called while I was on the bus and asked me something. He said something about a repeat and I thought he was talking about me. He was talking about the TV show, Lost.

Some sort of irony.

Now I’m home, I’ve eaten, I’m alone and I’m tired. I know Bill will be back in a day or two.

I’m just so exhausted.